


Stigmatized

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Post-Sirius in Azkaban, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2004-12-12
Packaged: 2018-05-18 20:28:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 84,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5942002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An emotional rollercoaster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

_"Stigmatized" by the Calling_

If I give up on you I give up on me 

If we fight what's true, will we ever be 

Even God himself and the faith I knew 

Shouldn't hold me back, shouldn't keep me from you

Tease me, by holding out your hand 

Then leave me, or take me as I am 

And live our lives, Stigmatized

I can feel the blood rushing though my veins 

When I hear your voice, driving me insane 

Hour after hour day after day 

Every lonely night that I sit and pray

We live our lives on different sides, 

But we keep together you and I 

Just live our lives, Stigmatized 

We'll live our lives, We'll take the punches everyday 

We'll live our lives I know we're gonna find our way

I believe in you 

Even if no one understands 

I believe in you, and I don't really give a damn 

If we're Stigmatized

We live our lives on different sides 

But we keep together you and I 

We live our lives on different sides 

We gotta live our lives Gonna live our lives....

Stigmatized 

~~+~~

**Prologue**

Remus Lupin sighed heavily, eyes downcast, as he perused the paper, his insides curling and twisting in disgust at what he read. Another werewolf capture. Another werewolf--a being like himself--thrown in a dirty cell--beaten, naked and shivering... "Who's the monster really?" he whispered harshly, bitterness sharpening his words as he stared at the photo of a pale, scrawny boy--only a scant few years younger than himself it appeared--being shackled as the priggish, smug-faced, richly attired Minister of Magic looked proudly on. It sickened Remus. It seemed nothing would ever change for his kind.

Growling softly, he crumpled up the paper and stared at the candle flame before him as it flickered orange and spitting in the lamp. Mesmerized for a moment as he watched the dancing flame his mind spiraled with dark thoughts and darker desires. The heavy moon was waxing, and the wolf was strong, growling inside Remus, the feral creature was lustful and hungry for blood and sex. Neither desire could be sated. And for the young man who tenaciously clung to his hard-won humanity, wrestling with the twin agonies of carnal frustration and blood lust, the battle ramped up as the lonely satellite above swelled in the night.

Remus turned glowing amber eyes to the window, gazing heavily at the luminous orb that had tainted his life in its silvery glow. How could something so beautiful be so deadly? He stared for a long moment and then moved his gaze across the midnight heavens, his eyes seeking another glowing light that pulsed with energy and called to his human heart just as the moon called to the beast inside. His star, Sirius, glowing bright, fierce--so keenly like his wild, reckless, desirable lover.

He closed his eyes, hands curling against the polished wood of the table, scraping up the fine veneer. Mrs. Black's table, scarred now by the werewolf her son had taken to his bed, his home, his heart. But lately...no...he chased those worries from his mind as he stared at the long scratch he had made on the table, idly lifting his hand to gaze with indifference at the nails that extended just barely past his fingertips. Still human...barely.

Grunting softly, he pushed one hand back through his long tawny hair, pulling at it in frustration, as he rose from his chair. Too quiet, too damnably quiet here with his lover gone. The house was too dark, too empty, and yes, entirely too quiet without the burning force of energy and fierce life that was Sirius Black. Remus hated these times when, because of his curse, he was unable to accompany Sirius on missions for the Order. Part of him felt pangs of guilt that, in this bleak time of dread and worry, that he should take such pleasure in the freedom and exhilaration of working with Sirius and with James to defeat the evil that threatened to take over their world. With them, as always, Remus felt strong, smart, capable, and, most of all, good. A creature of darkness that gloried in working for the light. He smiled at the irony as he always did.

Well, this would never do. Pissing and moaning in frustration was not his style. So, he could not physically be with Sirius, but... he could still do his part for the Order at least. He gritted his teeth, hands twitching for something, anything to do. Ahhh...there... research. He crossed the room and lit the lamp beside the couch lazily with his wand before pulling down the heavy ancient text that rested on the table before him. He opened it, trying to lose himself in the familiar comfort of words. He stared down at the musty page, muttering a quick translation spell and began to read. But...it was to no avail. His reading lasted for only a few moments before he was glancing up again, eyes darting to the moon outside, nerves flaring.

This was **impossible**. Research! God, he was so fucking tired of research. Scholarly, calm, practical Remus J. Lupin-- academician. Bah! Oh, true most of the time he was quite happy to wear the mantle of the kindly, slightly befuddled scholar...but not now, not when the blood was racing in his veins, the moon calling to the beast in his soul. No...now he wanted nothing more than to be prowling the darkened woods beside Sirius, hunting beside his packmate.

Leaning back against the couch, his eyes darted to the fireplace, and he stared for a long moment at the darkened hearth before leaning forward and with a flick of his wand he created a blue blaze. He smoothed his hair and his robes and stepped closer to the flames. Finally reaching above him, he took down a small box, opened it and threw a small pinch of powder into the azure fire. Cupping his mouth he called out, "Prongs! Prongs, it's Moony. May I have a word?"

The fireplace roared merrily and then in a shimmering flash, the visage of a mussed-headed, bespectacled, smiling young man appeared in the flames. "Hullo, Moony!" James Potter answered from the fire.

Remus smiled at the warm welcome in that voice and felt himself relax for the first time that evening. He crouched down before the flames to speak to his friend. "James, thank you. How are you and Lily and Harry?"

"We're all fine, Moony. But...errr...forgive me, old boy, but you don't look so good. Is all well in the Moony-Padfoot camp?"

Remus smiled. James, of course, was assuming that he and Sirius were quarrelling. "Yes, we're fine...well, rather, we're not in a row or anything of that sort.."

"Hmmm...and only two days before the full moon. I thought that was a usual time of fighting or fucking for you two!"

"Prongs!" Remus protested, his face coloring hotly. Though there was truth to James' words, the hearing of such was still rather startling.

James laughed mischievously before pushing his glasses further up against his eyes. "Ahhh, sorry, Moony! Okay, then, what can I do for you?"

Remus frowned. He hated to do this. "James, do you...do you know where Sirius is currently?"

James' face registered shock for a moment before he collected himself. "You mean he's not there with you, Remus?"

"No. Why? Should he be? He was sent out yesterday on a mission. I thought you knew. He... he didn't tell me where he was going. I wondered if you knew, but...obviously you don't."

"No, sorry, Moony. I knew there was a mission planned but I didn't know they sent Sirius..." his voice trailed off as his gaze seemed to flicker inward.

Remus watched with a sense of trepidation. Then James' gaze turned back to him. "I know..." he paused, licking at his lips, and Remus recognized it as being a classic sign of James' nervousness. James cleared his voice and continued. "I know...err...well, I'm aware of one mission. They suspect a leak at Hogwarts, Remus. He's probably gone back there."

Remus nodded. "Hogwarts," he repeated dumbly, his own gaze flicking past James to stare into the flames, his thoughts beginning to whirl inside his head again. James cleared his voice again, bringing Remus from his reverie. "Oh...sorry...ummm...thank you, James."

James nodded. "Remus, are you sure you're okay?"

Remus chewed his lip thoughtfully, trying to gauge whether or not to confess to James the doubts that had begun to fester inside him. Finally, he smiled and nodded. "Prongs, I'm quite well, I assure you. If I seem a bit out of sorts, it's only because of..."

"The lunar cycle," James finished.

"Exactly."

James laughed. "Oh Moony, you're just horny now, like you always get at this time, and you're missing Sirius and you're frustrated as hell."

Remus laughed. Leave it to Prongs to put a much lighter spin on things. "Yes, guilty as charged," he chuckled.

James smirked. "Well, then...perhaps Mr. Moony should pay Mr. Padfoot a visit at the old stomping grounds then?"

Remus chuckled again. "Perhaps!"

"God! Listen to me, giving you two poofs sexual advice! You two are a bad influence on me, Moony!"

"We always have been, James."

"Don't I know it! How did I ever manage to become Prefect and Head Boy with you two bloody great gits hanging about me all the time?"

"Must be all the cleverness lodged inside of that overly large, pointy head, Prongs!"

"Ahhh, now Mr. Prongs is offended and will bid Mr. Moony goodnight."

Remus smiled. "Goodnight, James."

"Goodnight, Moony."

"And James? You and Lily and Harry, do...do be careful?"

"We are, we will. You and Dogboy take care also. We'll be in touch."

Remus held up a hand and watched as the flames flickered out, leaving the room as quiet as before. He sat before the hearth for a moment before finally rising and dusting off his robes.

He would take James' advice and go seek out his lover. He sighed softly and shrugged. Perhaps James was right. Maybe his current troubled mood did have more to do with his lunar-influenced lusty desires and frustration than the slight, bitter worries and doubts that had begun to plague him. Yes, he would go find Sirius and ... perhaps with the sating of his sexual desires and the comfort of being with his lover, he would be able to put aside all the negativity.

~~

He apparated near the outskirts of Hogwarts, at the far end of the Forbidden Forest. There were too many wards on the ancient castle for even the most powerful of wizards to penetrate, so he'd gotten as close as the magical boundaries would allow. The forest had always been a means of chasing off unwelcome visitors, but Remus, even in his childhood, had never feared the woodsy area. As he made his way calmly through the enchanted maze of trees and spider webs and shrubbery, he paused to gaze up at the tall pines, straining his lupine eyes in a silent challenge to see if he could view the very tops of the branches where the leaves were the thinnest. They tapered as they rose so that the bottoms were thick and full, granting little or no light to fall upon the inhabitants below.

Lost in nostalgia--for the forest brought back many fond memories--he walked steadily forward, boots crunching the dried leaves and snapping on stray twigs. Dark shapes moved this way and that as he strolled through the heavy underbrush, but he remained calm, soothed somewhat by the familiarity of it all. If it was true that Sirius really was at Hogwarts, perhaps they could run again as Moony and Padfoot through this forest. Perhaps they could put all the doubt and suspicion behind them and simply enjoy the openness and well- known territory of this forest once again.

As he neared the clearing, however, uncertainty, regret and hesitation clouded his heart. What if Sirius **was** here and he didn't want to see him? What if he became angry or thought that Remus was attempting to spy on him? Sirius had been awfully touchy as of late, and slightly unpredictable. Remus knew that much of it was due to the stress of the Order, but he also suspected that there was an underlying cause as well--a strong rift had come between them somehow, distancing them from one another. The tension was starting to wear on Remus, and, James was right--he was annoyingly horny.

_Sirius has **got** to feel it too..._ , he told himself. _Perhaps that's why he's been so moody lately..._

Once in the castle, he made his way quickly yet as silently as possible through the halls. He really wasn't sure where Sirius would be, but he was determined to look everywhere he could think of. The castle was huge and had several floors, each of which hosted far too many rooms to count accurately. The thought occurred to him that he could ask Dumbledore and save himself all the work, but he wasn't sure if the elderly wizard would approve of him interfering in Order business.

How many times did that make it now--three? Four? He'd betrayed Dumbledore's trust too many times for his own liking. Still, this was important. It was imperative to Remus that he repair whatever damage had been done to the relationship he so cherished with his mate. He was certain that if Albus knew all the circumstances, he would understand.

He found himself wishing that he'd had James' invisibility cloak on this adventure. It would be so much easier to move through the halls. Although they were, for the most part, empty of any potential passersby, he had the distinct feeling that someone or some **thing** was watching him. Perhaps it was just guilt that caused the fine hairs on the back of his neck to stand on end, but he knew that whatever the reason, he needed to find Sirius right away.

He finally located him on the third floor, in an office near the teacher's lounge. His canine nose alerted him to the familiar fresh scent of musk and shampoo, and even though it was stripped of the usual faint smell of motor oil, it was unmistakably his mate.

Pausing near the doorway, he took a moment to thoroughly sniff his surroundings, checking for any foreign scents that might accompany that of his lover. He relaxed visibly when he found none, and, taking one last glance around, strolled swiftly into the room.

He found himself in a classroom--one of the few in these thoroughly explored halls that remained unfamiliar to him. Wooden worktables that were long enough to accomodate three students each filled the room, facing a teacher's desk and a blackboard that was filled with all sorts of odd magical inscriptions. Remus recognized some of these as mathematical symbols and figures for incantations. Perhaps this room had been used for Arithmancy the previous school year. He found himself wishing he'd had the Marauders Map at that moment so he might confirm his current location. Whatever the case, it no longer mattered, all thought diminished as Remus' sensitive ears picked up the sound of approaching footsteps.

His first instinct was to panic and hide, but he calmed himself quickly, mentally scolding himself for being so ridiculous. The steady rhythm of the footfall was unmistakable. He braced himself against the edge of a desk, mustering all of his courage to stand there as passively and calmly as possible as the tall, dark haired form of his lover entered the room.

Remus caught his breath at the sight of him. He was dressed only in a loose robe, open from the neck to the waist and tied loosely with a satin sash, hair damp and cascading down his back. Remus realized he must have just gotten out of the shower. He could make out the familiar, oh so sexy lines of muscle beneath the smooth flesh of that faultless chest, and he let out a sigh, wanting nothing more than to run his hands over that perfection. He thought about his own body, scarred and bruised, and he wondered how Sirius could have ever thought him worthy in comparison.

Sirius halted as his sight fell upon the other man, an unreadable look crossing his features. "Remus...what happened?"

The concern and alarm in those steel grey eyes made Remus weak in the knees. So he still **did** care. But of **course** he would. How could he have expected anything different? Circumstances might have distanced them from one another recently, but the love they shared would never truly dwindle.

Remus pushed himself away from the table and took a couple of tentative steps forward. "Sirius, it's okay...everything's alright. I just... well..." He forced himself to meet the steady gaze. "I missed you."

Sirius just stared at him for a moment, as if he hadn't quite heard the words. Then, slowly, a smile began to spread over those soft, delectable lips.

"Why didn't you say so, Moony?" The nickname was spoke with the utmost endearment, and Remus found himself grinning like a fool.

"I didn't want to interfere with your work."

"So you thought you'd come and crash the party here instead." There was no malice or anger in those words, Sirius' voice pouring over him like water.

"I'm sorry..." Remus said gently. "Perhaps I should go..." He turned to leave, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

Sirius pulled him around to face him, expression somber. "Don't leave," he said softly. "You don't know how lonely it's been here. It's insufferably boring."

Remus smiled, relief washing over him. "Perhaps I can help liven things up a bit."

"Mmmm...I'm certain of it." Sirius flashed him one of his trademark grins.

He could smell the arousal pouring off his lover, and without pausing to consider his actions, Remus reached up, hooking his thumbs around the edges of the robe and pulled Sirius down to him, capturing those lips in his own. The taste and feel of that silky caress was like heaven, and he ran his tongue gently over the soft flesh, savoring the sensations. Sirius' tongue snaked out to meet his own, velvet caressing velvet as the two men held desperately to each other.

Remus' heart was pounding harder than he could ever remember--the incredible joy of the reunion mixing with acute arousal and anxiety at the idea that they could get caught.

Sirius threaded long fingers through Remus' shoulder length honey- toned mane, curling them around the strands and pulling his head back, bearing a pale, smooth throat. Remus flinched a bit, the hold on him only slightly painful. A brief stab of apprehension gripped him for a moment, but quickly subsided. This was his lover...his **mate**. Sirius would never do anything to harm him.

The black haired man moved in closer, inhaling the woodsy scent of his lover. He closed his eyes, enjoying that familiar, comforting aroma. And then, like the wolf had done to him so many times, he bore his teeth and sank them gently into the awaiting flesh of Remus' throat.

Remus let out a moan, both of slight pain and intense ecstasy as Sirius bit down, insistent yet gentle. Remus curled his fingers around the folds of the robe, holding on to Sirius, encouraging him to continue this strangely erotic claiming ritual.

Sirius finally pulled away, moving his mouth upward to suck at the soft skin below his ear. Remus' grip tightened, his breathing coming in shallow gulps as that talented tongue swirled around his earlobe and eventually captured it between his teeth.

He'd had about as much as he could stand. In one swift movement, he shoved Sirius away from him and pummeled him to the stone floor, sinking his teeth desperately into his throat. The clean, tang of that oh-so-soft flesh nearly drove him mad, and he bit down harder, wanting to taste more of it, to feel the blood that pulsed in the veins beneath pool up to swirl around his tongue.

Sirius groaned beneath him, body stiffening, and Remus snapped back to his senses and pulled quickly away. The reddened imprint of teeth marred the otherwise perfect throat, and Remus stared at Sirius in shock and apology. Sirius was panting, eyes meeting his, and Remus noticed with some relief that there was amusement there.

"Sirius, I...I'm sorry--"

"Don't be." Sirius smiled. "I do so love it when you get possessive."

Remus allowed himself a smile, but inside, he continued to berate himself. How many times had he come close to hurting Sirius during the nights near the full moon? He'd told himself that he **must** be more careful, and yet, he'd almost made the mistake again. He couldn't help but worry that one of these nights, he might slip--let the wolf's instincts hold him for too long, and commit the ultimate betrayal. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he ever did harm to Sirius--or worse, bestowed upon him the curse that tainted his own blood.

"Stop worrying..." The calming touch of gentle fingertips stroking his jaw pulled him from his depressing thoughts. "I know you'd never hurt me." Truly, Sirius believed this, yet somewhere deep in the pit of his stomach, doubt remained. Was Remus in fact, the traitor who had been leaking information to Voldemort? He knew how revved up on werewolf rights Remus had become lately. And hadn't the Dark Lord promised freedom to any dark creatures who would join him? Still, it was times like these that Sirius mentally slapped himself. He knew better. Remus was a kind, gentle soul. There was no way he would turn his back on those he cared most about to join with the forces of evil.

Before Remus could respond, Sirius was kissing him again, and all doubt between them slowly dwindled away.

Remus, compelled by the urgent pull of the wolf for its mate, grabbed a hold of Sirius and pushed him back against one of the tables, back arching over the rough surface as he practically climbed atop him, ravaging him with kisses and nips and bites. He began at his mouth, swirling his tongue over Sirius', biting down gently on swollen moist lips. Then to the neck, gently licking at the bruise he'd left there before pulling loose the tie on the robe and pushing it open to reveal the masculine curves of that beautiful body.

He got to work instantly, sinking his teeth very gently into the soft pliable flesh where shoulder and neck meet, planting kisses down over the smooth chest to finally nibble insistently at a taut nipple.

Sirius hissed beneath him, grabbing at his hair as if trying to pull that warm wet mouth even closer to his own flesh. The teasing caress of the hot tongue and teeth at these most sensitive of areas was nearly maddening.

"God, Remus..." he groaned. "I want you so bad..."

A growl of possessiveness sprang forth from Remus' throat, and he pulled the strong body closer, kissing him desperately, hands gripping the sides of his head as he forced his tongue in deeper to duel with the other man's.

Sirius finally broke away, both men panting and trying to catch their breath. He locked eyes with Remus, a carnal look heating his gaze. Tantalizingly slowly, Sirius reached up, gaze still locked with that of his lover, and brushed first one shoulder and then the other, allowing the garment to fall to the floor and exposing his nude body to the wanting sight of his mate.

Remus licked his lips, cock swelling painfully within the confines of his trousers, heart hammering. It had been a while since he'd last had the pleasure of gazing upon Sirius in this form. Truly, he was beautiful. He took a step toward the other man, running his fingertips lightly over taut muscles, savoring the way they tightened and contracted beneath his touch. He drew in closer, running his hands back up over the contours of smooth flesh, to run the pads of his fingers gently over the sensitive nipples, causing the buds to harden beneath his touch. Sirius moaned as Remus continued his ministrations, cock snapping to attention. He ran his hands over Remus face, the clothed torso, and allowed his fingers to gently stroke the swelling mound that was buried beneath layers of cloth between Remus' legs.

Remus bit his lip, lost in the gentle yet persistent sensations of his lover's hands. God, how he'd missed even these most simple of touches. Finally, unable to stand any more in his clothed state, he grabbed Sirius' hands and brought them to his mouth, kissing them gently before letting them drop back to his sides. Then slowly, he lowered to his knees before him, inhaling the sharp musk of arousal that poured liberally from the other man.

Sirius closed his eyes and threw his head back as Remus snaked out a wet tongue, encircling the head. Too quickly, he pulled away, glancing up to bathe in the ecstasy painted over that handsome face. Sirius groaned at the loss of contact, and Remus leaned over again, planting warm wet kisses down the length of the shaft.

His efforts were rewarded with a sharp intake of breath and a pair of strong hands threading once again through his hair. Again, Remus pulled away, just a bit, to watch the emotions play over Sirius' face.

"God, Remus... **please**!"

But Remus continued to tease in this manner--sliding his tongue seductively over the aching flesh and then pulling away--until Sirius could take no more. Panting fervently, he grabbed Remus' head and pulled him down, impaling that mouth with his hard, weeping cock.

Remus grinned around his aching flesh, more than happy to oblige. He pushed himself forward, mouth opening further around Sirius, taking in all of him until his lips touched the smooth plane of his groin. He waited a few moments, wanting to drag this out as long as his impatient lover would allow, but finally, he began to suckle gently. One hand reached up to stroke the soft skin of his balls and Sirius nearly lost it right then and there. Remus ran his other hand over Sirius' backside, gently kneading a firm cheek as he moved his mouth agonizingly slowly over his erection.

"Fuck yeah, Remus...god...just like that..."

Encouraged, he began to move faster, hand sliding from the tightly clenched buttock to wrap around Sirius' cock, pumping in time with his mouth as it slid over and over the taut flesh.

Sirius sucked in a labored breath, hips bucking up to match the rhythm of the skilled mouth. Just a few more thrusts and then...

Sirius came violently, warm seed pouring forth from his body. Remus swallowed all of it, wiping his mouth as he stood on shaky legs to kiss his lover once again. As their tongues met, the fire in his own groin ignited and he let out an impassioned moan. Sirius, knowing his lover as well as he did, understood this little outcry. Without warning, he scooped Remus up into his arms and deposited him gently onto the table.

"Sirius, I--"

"Shhh..." Sirius pressed a finger to Remus' lips and the werewolf closed his eyes, lost in the familiar, scents and touches and tastes that seemed to be swirling insistently around him. Deft fingers moved down, unbuttoning his shirt and pulling it expertly from his shoulders. Next came the pants, which were unfastened with a loud zip. Remus arched his back, allowing Sirius to slide them slowly and seductively down his thin hips.

A moment of silence and immobility passed. All Sirius could do for a moment was stare hungrily, tongue darting out to wet soft, flushed lips as he took in the sight of his waiting lover. God, but Remus was beautiful. The brown haired man watched him, chest heaving as he crawled up over him, back arched like a cat's, never breaking his gaze. Hands reached out, nails dragging lightly over sensitive skin, causing Remus to shudder.

"You look so fetching like this, Remus." Sirius' voice was low and tainted with lust. "So fucking beautiful..."

Remus moaned at the words. How long had he waited to hear them? It used to be not a day would go by without those soft whispers of endearment pouring forth--at least once--from Sirius' lips. But lately...well...things had been different. He put those thoughts behind him however, determined to enjoy this moment for what it was, recent tensions be damned. Even after all that had transpired, he still could not think of a safer place to be than wrapped in Sirius' arms.

He wallowed in the warmth that emanated from the man above him, sweaty, firm chest pressed against his abdomen as a skilled mouth showered his body with kisses. It was the most erotic thing in the world to be loved and worshipped by Sirius Black. He simply couldn't get enough.

When Sirius' mouth finally found his cock, it was about all he could take. A few deft swirls of a wanting tongue, and Sirius found himself on his back yet again, a hungry, aroused werewolf perched over him. Sirius loved these nights nearest the full moon when the "beast" would come out to play. Remus had always been a very skilled lover, but it was during times like these, when he completely threw caution to the wind, that Sirius fully realized why he simply could never get his fill of Remus Lupin.

No spells were uttered, no bottles opened--Remus was just suddenly **in** him--filling him completely, painfully, exquisitely. Where Remus was generally calm and patient and concerned, the wolf simply wanted what it wanted. Sirius didn't mind though. What pain existed was brief, and quickly gave way to intense pleasure. Remus buried his face in Sirius' neck as he arched his hips, burying himself completely inside of Sirius. He pulled out and pushed back in with force, tempo rising with every thrust. Enthralled by the wolf's passion, Sirius tilted his head back, screwing his eyes shut tightly as he wrapped a hand around his own erection, caressing it to match the pulse of Remus' thrusts.

With complete abandon, the werewolf slammed into him, literally howling with pleasure as he finally came, spilling his seed within the other man and filling him to the brim. As the heat of Remus' cum filled his body, Sirius cried out his own orgasm, flopping down on top of the table in satisfaction.

Moments later, Remus stirred, moving up to lay beside his lover and plant a kiss on the clammy forehead. "Did I hurt you?" He asked timidly.

"No," Sirius smiled. "Never."

But in the back of his mind, the lingering doubt remained. Could a werewolf ever be completely void of evil? And how could either of them know without a doubt that the wolf would never be capable of harming its mate?


	2. 1

**Sixteen Years Later**...

He apparated in a small clearing, the fresh scent of pine and jasmine immediately invading his senses. He took a moment to digest his surroundings--a cloudless blue sky that revealed itself in the brief absence of the tall lush trees, the slight trace of paw prints that were embedded into the mud beneath his feet, and finally, a faint, continuous, wispy grey puff of slowly rising smoke that signified a burning fireplace in the cottage he knew awaited just beyond. He sighed contentedly, glad to be home at last. Finding himself a free man after so many years on the run was definitely refreshing, though it **did** have its drawbacks as well. Working for the Order was at times very gruesome, and although Dumbledore was a very understanding and compassionate man, he could also be demanding at times, especially when it came to the safety of the children entrusted to his care. Sirius was thankful for this fact, as he could put his mind at ease somewhat, knowing that Harry was in good hands. Still...this last mission had kept him away from Remus for far too long.

He grinned joyously as he made his way quickly yet carefully to the house. He wanted to surprise Remus. He was sure his lover was not expecting him just yet. Tomorrow was the full moon. Moony always became restless and emotional during the couple of days leading up to its presence, and he was glad that he could be here for him tonight. He was certain that both Remus **and** his inner wolf would find some way to show their appreciation.

With that in mind, he picked up the pace a bit, grinning maniacally as his thoughts focused on the beautiful, enigmatic form of his lover. Remus was truly beautiful. He had a thick mane of rich, honey-toned hair that he kept relatively short nowadays, but somehow always seemed a bit shaggy, reminding him at times of James and Harry. His eyes were intense, and even while calm and poised, seemed to burn with an inner, molten fire, melting the gold and amber until it appeared to ignite with a life of its own. His smile was infectious--soft, flushed lips forming into a gentle "U", and on those special occasions when **really** amused, pulling back to reveal two rows of perfect white teeth. Sirius adored the wire framed glasses he wore while reading or studying--they accented his features quite nicely. His body was thin and scarred, but it mattered not. Every blemish, every evidence of past pain only served to remind him just how brave and enduring Remus Lupin really was. And that was by far more beautiful and intriguing than any perfection he could think of.

He had a soft way about him--not feminine or timid in the least, but he was silently wise and much, much stronger than anyone would ever know. His hands were thin with long, tapered fingers--at times almost frail in appearance, but they had exuded power far greater than most wizards twice his age. He was quiet, contemplative, and he thought before he acted -- at least in most things, when the moon was far from full. In this way, he complemented Sirius wonderfully. They were like two sides of a Sickle -- near opposites, yet united simply by their existence.

As he neared the house, anxiety rising, he was unable to stave off a brief flash of painful memory. His mind had begun to work in mysterious ways ever since he'd left Azkaban. Memories that he'd long thought buried returned to him in bundles, usually when he least expected them, and refused to relent until the innermost recesses of his mind saw fit to impede them. This time, the picture that flashed in his mind's eye was his last night at this cottage before he'd been torn away from his love for thirteen long years.

He saw everything plainly, as if he were standing there now, as if the events that had taken place so long ago had happened only just yesterday. He remembered the pained, frightened look in Remus' eyes, his own sense of guilt and betrayal and apprehension. He could hear the sound of shattering plaster as his lover let loose his grip on the mug of tea he'd been drinking, unable to hold in his emotions at Sirius' harsh words. Anguish pushed down on him like a lead weight, filling his chest with despair as he heard himself yell accusations at his lover--biting allegations that he knew deep down he didn't really mean.

He remembered their final, truly exultant night together--the last time they'd come together physically. It had been one of the most passionate nights of his life, and then, shortly thereafter, he'd been carted away to Azkaban.

Oh, what pain and torment he'd suffered, knowing that his suspicions had all been a lie, that he'd hurt Remus so intensely and deeply. How could he have **ever** , even for a mere moment, suspected Remus? How could he have possibly been so blind? Knowing that he would never see him again--never have the chance to set things right, was perhaps the most agonizing torture of all.

Sirius wiped a tear from his eye and shook his head, forcing those horrific images back from whence they came. Things were different now. These were happier times. He and his mate had been reunited. He was no longer on the run. Dumbledore trusted him. And best of all, they had **truth** on their side. Sirius still blamed himself for many things--the death of his best friend, the orphaning of Harry, and the anguish Remus had been forced to live with for twelve long years. He knew his lover better than anyone ever could. How could he have ever thought someone so good and noble and kind hearted could ever be a monster? Well, he knew better now, and he would never make that mistake again.

He was **so** lucky that Remus had agreed to give him another chance. He knew in his heart that he was undeserving of such graciousness, and it was a marvel to him how that man had endured so much, and yet could be so very forgiving. In any case, this was a second chance for him--for **them** , and no matter what happened now, nothing would come between them ever again.

As he neared the house, his first instinct was to transform into Padfoot, disguising himself from any potential passersby. He took a deep breath, allowing the anxiety to pass, and shook his head, grinning. There was no longer any need for concealment. Although...it **was** fun to romp around with Remus in the warm sunshine, playing a game of fetch. And despite Remus' affliction, he also immensely enjoyed the nights of the full moon, when they could wrestle together as canines, matting thick fur with leaves and dirt. He'd always felt free as Padfoot, wild, untamable and completely uninhibited. The thought of his animagus form made him all the more grateful he was home. He looked forward to tomorrow night with enthusiasm.

He reached the door and paused, knocking lightly, his heart thudding in his chest. He couldn't **wait** to see the gentle face of his lover once again. How long had it been...? Two weeks? It felt like an eternity.

He could hear the light footfall as someone within the cottage moved toward the door. The steps were full of purpose, yet almost hesitant. Clearly, he wasn't expected to return quite so soon, and his lover probably wondered why anyone would come for a visit here. Sirius ran a hand through his hair, attempting to straighten any stray locks that might have been blown asunder by the gentle breeze. He tugged on the folds of his robe and smoothed a hand over the sleeves, making himself more presentable for his love. He knew it mattered not what state he was in, but he wanted to look his best.

When the door finally opened, he was greeted by a very astounded Remus Lupin. Passionate, amber eyes were wide with disbelief, a joyous smile -- teeth bared -- spread across the youthful face. Before he had time to react, strong arms pulled him close, embracing him in a tight, warm hug.

Remus sighed in utter contentment, overjoyed that his mate had finally returned. He could feel the heat pouring from Sirius' body in waves, washing over him to bathe him in relief and safety. This was the best feeling in the world--when Sirius came home to him. It made him feel whole again, as if some crucial part of himself that he thought he'd lost had finally been recovered.

Sirius returned the embrace, pulling away a bit finally to look into Remus' eyes. He ran a hand lovingly over his hair--an entrancing mixture of brown and grey that reminded him of silvered honey.

"Love you, Remus."

"Love you too, Sirius," the werewolf smiled and pulled him in for a kiss.

Sirius moaned into that warm, soft mouth as a tongue reached out, delicately massaging against his own. For a few brief moments, nothing else existed in all the world. This was right -- it was **heaven** , and nothing else mattered.

Finally, Remus pulled away, breathing heavily as he stared into the stormy clouds that were Sirius' eyes. He saw the passion there, the love, and that warm place he'd reserved for him within his heart was rekindled tenfold.

"God, I missed you..." Sirius groaned ardently.

"You don't know how lonely it's been here without you, love." Remus' sight traveled over the other man--over the sharp planes of cheekbones and chin, across the strong arms and chest, and finally, down the long, sturdy legs to his booted feet. He was exquisite, truly, if not a little weary and dirty from his travels.

"Let's get you inside," Remus ushered him kindly. "I'll draw you a bath and we'll have dinner. Then I'll put both of us to bed. The moon has taken a lot out of me this month, and you look like you could use the rest."

Sirius agreed whole-heartedly. Bed **did** sound like a wonderful idea, though sleeping wasn't the first thing on his agenda.

~~+~~

Remus dreamt soft dreams that night, dreams indicative of his peace at Sirius' return, dreams that hovered at the edge of his consciousness upon awakening - a slow slide of images that filtered like rain through his sleepy mind. Somewhere, in that half-awake, contented state as he lay there, body sprawled and sated beside his sleeping lover, Remus recognized some of those images - half-formed memories of childhood, of a boy with dusty wheat-hued hair and rounded pink, innocent cheeks romping beside the family dog through golden, summer fields; images of his youth at Hogwarts, of laughing, carefree boys with the light of mischief burning in amber, silver, azure and pale green eyes, boys that flew weaving brooms off the side of the highest hill, swooping, giggling madly through the air, daring their mates to follow them through the rushing breeze; visions of his first kiss, of a skinny boy trembling with nerves and excitement, whose shaking hands are caught in a warm, tight, gentle clasping of hands larger and more callused than his own as he is pulled inexorably forward, pressed to a heated, moist mouth that caused his heart and stomach to catch and flutter, eyes closing to the silver gaze burning down on him as he dissolved into a slow drowning bliss. Remus smiled drowsily at the dream image memories, feeling lazy, warm, rested, sexually replete and only slightly sore.

He turned slowly in the loose circle of Sirius' arms and gazed at his mate, his eyes tracing lovingly over the smooth, chiseled planes of his face, the narrow, beautiful nose, strong, sensual mouth and tanned brow crowned with soft, ebony hair. Smiling, he leaned in, one long, elegant hand tracing that perfect nose and the supple lips.

Sirius stirred, awakening to the feel of cool, soft strokes against him. He opened bleary, stormy eyes and smiled at the gently handsome visage of his lover. He loved Remus at all times, but particularly on these mornings, when he lay before him, softly rumpled, golden-brown hair mussed, amber eyes blinking sleepily, full lips curving gently into a small smile. God, he was exquisite.

"Morning," Sirius drawled softly, kissing the back of Remus' hand as it traced his face lazily.

Remus smiled slowly. "Good morning. Did you sleep well?" he asked in a softly sleep-slurred, husky voice.

Sirius smiled a gleaming, wicked smile, eyes burning bright, as he nestled closer to the warm body before him. "Mmmmhuuhh," he moaned as he kissed the long, pale throat, idly licking at the reddened bite mark he had placed there the night before. "Did you?"

"Yes," Remus purred, threading his fingers through Sirius' black satin hair. "After last night... I was ... err... rather exhausted from our activities. I slept very well indeed. And I dreamt pleasant dreams."

Sirius sighed against him, kissing the hollow of his mate's throat before pulling back to rest his head on the pillow beside Remus. He smiled again at him. "Good. I'm glad. Perhaps all of your dreams will be good now... to make up for the years of nightmares."

Remus' lips lengthened into a warm answering smile and he nodded. "Yes, perhaps so."

They lay there for a long moment before Sirius reached out, palming his hand down over Remus' soft, rumpled waves of tawny hair. "How do you feel?" he asked softly, almost hating to bring up any notion of the moon-cursed night ahead.

Remus shrugged. "A bit sore - a wonderful, hedonistic sort of sore - and a bit sleepy still but good."

Sirius nodded sagely. Then his hands traced over the old, smooth, pinkish-white scar imbedded on his lover's pale shoulder. "No... I mean... **this** , with tonight and all...?"

Remus smiled and reached up to hold Sirius' hand, pressing the long, hot fingers to his scarred flesh, stroking them against the old wound. "As always, I feel a bit anxious and ... I dread the transformation of course, but, you're here with me, Padfoot has come home, so Moony shan't be unduly vicious."

Sirius smiled. "Poor Padfoot has sorely missed his mate."

"As has Moony," Remus murmured, eyes raking over the strong, handsome face he so loved.

With a yawn, Sirius sat up, playfully ruffling Remus' hair. "Cor! I'm starving. You really took it out of me last night, love. I need to replenish my energy!"

Remus chuckled and sat up, yawning a bit himself as he stood up from the bed, almost hating to leave the warm, musk-heavy cocoon. Sirius watched with undisguised appreciation as Remus stretched languidly before reaching for an old, faded blue robe.

"Remus, is that the same, ratty old robe you wore years ago? I hope I won't offend you by saying... it's ... seen better days, love. You ought to think of retiring it to the rubbish bin."

"Nonsense!" Remus laughed, smoothing one hand down the arm of it. "It's fine. I cherish this robe, and it fits me rather well now..."

Sirius stared for a moment and then his eyes widened in comprehension. "God, Moony, that was once my robe, wasn't it?"

Remus flushed, a bit embarrassed that his sentimental indulgement had been found out. "Yes," he murmured, as he then turned and began to walk from the bedroom.

Sirius struggled up from the tangled bed sheets and took off after the retreating form of his lover, heedless of his own nudity. He laughed and grabbed unto Remus' arm just as they reached the kitchen and turned him to face him. "Moony, that's really touching."

Remus flushed and turned away. "Err... yes, I ... well, it seemed appropriate somehow that I retain this part of you that..." He blushed harder and bent down, taking four eggs from the cooling cabinet below.

"Yes?" Sirius encouraged, "Go on."

Remus sighed and stood up, handing the eggs to Sirius. "Here, you prepare these. You make better eggs than I do. I'll put on the tea."

Sirius shook his head, smiling bemusedly as he cracked the eggs into the blackened skillet. "Come on, Remus... tell me what you were going to say."

Remus blushed all the harder and finally turned to gaze steadily at Sirius, watching the other man as he began to fry two of the eggs. "This was the robe you were wearing our last night together in '81, before ... before we quarreled and you left the next morning."

Sirius flinched slightly at the words and turned to look into the hazel sylvan eyes that stared back so calmly into his. "Why would you want a remembrance of that bitter memory, Remus. I don't understand."

Remus smiled and bit his lip slightly, pained to say the next words. "That was all you left, Sirius. You took everything else with you... including a big part of myself. I felt that... well, by claiming this robe as my own, that I was, partially reclaiming a bit of you, a bit of our time together, and perhaps, a bit of me as well." He paused a moment and then laughed. "But, I know that sounds rather idiotic now..."

"No!" Sirius said, immediately grabbing the other man and turning him to face him again, "No, Remus, it doesn't. I know exactly what you mean. I understand. You see... I took a small token with me as well, and I've yet to go anywhere without it."

Remus stared incredulously at Sirius. "What? I haven't noticed anything missing."

Sirius laughed and pulled away. "Wait right here. I'll be right back. Mind that you don't scorch my eggs, Moony!"

Remus chuckled, pressing the spatula down very hard into the yolk of one egg, bursting it in a fit of mischievous glee.

A few moments later Sirius returned now attired in Muggle jeans and a black t-shirt brandishing the small dagger he was never without. Remus looked at it mildly. "Your dagger? That wasn't mine, Sirius."

Sirius grinned. "Ahhh, but Moony love, you forget my specialty! What was my favourite subject in school?"

A smile began to spread across Remus' face in dawning realization. "Transfiguration."

Sirius nodded. "Clever boy!" He then held his wand out toward the dagger and suddenly a small, grayish white pointed item lay in his hand.

"What is that?" Remus said, poking at the object curiously. "I don't recall that ever being mine."

"Oh, but it was, Remus. More than just an item of yours - it was a part of you. Look closer. It's a bit chipped and broken unfortunately now, but... well, it's one of your teeth, Remus. Moony's tooth that is. The one you lost in that scuffle with Prongs. See."

Remus laughed at the memory. James frustrated that he never got to wrestle with the canines had insisted on 'picking a fight' with Moony one evening. He lost the fight, receiving a quick, nasty bite to one, soft, fawn-colored ear, and Moony had lost a tooth on a sharp antler.

Sirius was chuckling now. "Oh god, remember that, Remus? James' poor ear! He had to wear that ruddy awful bandage on it and his glasses wouldn't fit over the bandage well, so he walked around, glasses perched skewed over his nose, glaring at you with that ridiculous cock-eyed expression!"

Remus laughed harder. "Poor James!" He smiled and then grew sober, his eyes listing aimlessly over the countertop.

Sirius reached out, stroking a hand across his back, "I know, I miss the daft, four-eyed git too."

Remus felt hot tears well in his eyes as he thought of his old bespectacled, loyal friend. James had never distrusted him. Sirius then pulled him back into an embrace and murmured, "So, you see, Remus, I transfigured that tooth into the dagger and it has saved my life more times than I can begin to account for. You've saved me, Moony, in that way and so many other ways."

Remus turned to smile at Sirius, heart catching at his words. The breath stuttered warm, soft between them - and such feelings overwhelmed Remus that he clutched at Sirius, holding the other man's arms tightly. They had shared so much - bonds of grief, friendship, camaraderie, common goals, brotherhood and love throughout the years - linking them so closely that it was difficult to ascertain where he ended and Sirius began - a complete melding of souls - mates in the truest sense.

A sputtering egg broke the stillness of the moment and Sirius grumped good-naturedly. "Ahh.. bloody hell. Our eggs are ruined."

Remus smiled. "They are still edible, Sirius."

"Yeah, but they're ... Remus! Arrggghhh, you burst the yellow, didn't you? I hate when you do that."

Remus just arched one perfect eyebrow and chuckled.

The rest of the day was spent placidly. Remus wished to conserve his energy as much as possible for the coming moon. So now he sat in his favourite chair by the window, reading, trying to calm the familiar apprehension and nerves and frantic desires that stole over him gradually as the evening shadows lengthened on the walls.

Sirius glanced up from the field report he was preparing to watch the flickering emotions play over his lover's face. There, writ large on those sexy features, he could see the trepidation looming in those eyes growing more golden and fiercely beautiful behind the reading spectacles perched on the end of his tapered nose. He saw the hands - one holding the book tightly, one gripping the edge of the chair, as they clenched, nails beginning to lengthen and harden. Remus' face betrayed his emotions, his jaw working furiously, brow contorting, throat swallowing convulsively as the sun set heavy and orange across the verdant hills.

Sirius signed his report and rolled up the parchment slowly. "Alright, Moony?" he asked.

Remus looked up from his book, his senses working furiously. God, he smelled Sirius, and he smelled divine - delicious and decadent. Sirius smelled of soap and parchment and ink, leather and musk, a slight, heady aroma of Padfoot, pheremones and some spicy scent that Remus had never figured out exactly what it was but simply called Sirius' own special scent. He felt desire skittering hot in his veins as he watched Sirius lean back in his chair to look back at him. He gazed at the storm-chased eyes, then down the face to the full, moist lips that begged to be kissed and sucked and ravaged, then further down to the long, tan neck and the vein which flickered there pulsing with rich, red life... he wanted him. He wanted everything of Sirius - his scent, his taste, his cock and heart and soul, his very essence.

Sirius smiled at the soft, rumbling growl as it poured forth from the ivory throat. He loved that sound - that sound of pure sexual and animal desire. _Ahhh... yes, Moony wants to play. Well, Padfoot is ready!_

The shadows lengthened, stretching along the wall, bathing the room in close, secretive, velvet darkness, as the two wizards regarded each other from the length of the room, desire stretching hot and humid between them.

Sirius could stand it no longer. They had a few, luscious moments to indulge in before Moony clawed his way to the surface. He rose to his feet and began to move toward Remus.

Rosy, full lips curved into a feral smile, white teeth beginning to lengthen and the werewolf's growly purr rumbled in his throat as Sirius approached his chair. He slowly slipped off his reading specs, put aside his book -- not bothering to mark his place-- and waited.

Sirius could feel his own desire pooling heated and heavy in his loins as he moved slow and liquidly toward Remus. He reached the man sprawled seductively in the leather chair and bent down before him, walking on his knees until he reached that intimate place between the trouser-clad thighs. He then gazed up with adoration and passion sparking within the silvered depths of his eyes, begging to be taken, loved, ravished in those long, pale arms that rested against the chair.

Remus smiled slowly, one hand reaching down to cup and stroke Sirius' cheek as the dark-haired man moaned and nuzzled into his palm, stormy eyes closing. "My star..." Remus breathed, growling at the feel of that rough, stubbled cheek against his hand.

Then, because his heart was pounding in his chest, because the blood was rushing hot and thick through his veins, because his desire was enflamed at the heat and nearness of Sirius, and because overwhelming love for his mate was making him gasp, Remus grabbed Sirius, pulling him up by that long, silken, sinful hair, pulling his dark head up to meet his in a deep, wet, sucking kiss.

Sirius moaned against Remus' mouth, drowning in the feral ecstasy of surrendering to the beast that dwelt within his lover's soul. He could taste the wolf. Moony was so strong tonight. Tasting of sweet streams and cool forest glens, of damp earth and hot blood. He groaned as that ravenous tongue slid along his, and the lips enclosed, that wet ribbon of flesh and moist satin lips and tingle of sharp teeth, sucking and nipping delicately at his tongue, pulling it further into the hot, damp cavern.

Remus ravaged the sweet mouth below his as his hands now gripped Sirius' broad shoulders firmly. He pulled and pulled until the other man was practically in his lap as he kissed and sucked, his kisses now moving over the whiskers of jaw and down the throat, lapping at the salty sweat pooling in the hollow. He growled again, growing impatient, knowing they didn't have long before the bitter moon rose. With a grunt of frustration, Remus tore at Sirius' shirt, wanting to bare that seductive, silk-skinned chest to his eager eyes and hands and mouth.

Sirius smiled at Remus' impatient actions and he worked just as quickly at divesting his clothes. Finally, when he was bared to his lover's gaze, he felt those gold-flecked, gorgeous eyes roaming hungrily over every inch of him. Then, just as suddenly, the gaze was averted momentarily as Remus growled again in frustration, pulling off his own clothing impatiently.

As soon as he was free from the confinement of clothing, Remus smiled slowly and seductively and pushed at Sirius, pushing him down upon the floor as he slid his sweating, heaving body over his, his mouth seeking Sirius' again. The tawny-headed man groaned softly in contentment as he ground his hips against Sirius, his tongue sliding slick and hot all around Sirius' mouth before slowly twining with the other man's tongue.

Sirius moaned at the feel of that lean, ivory, sinuous body as it arched and rolled atop his own, his erection swelling painfully with every delicious brush of the hot, swollen flesh that stroked it. Remus growled against him, spreading his legs with his knees, burrowing in closer, his cock and balls stroking carnal and intense against his own.

"Ohhh...yes... want you," Remus groaned, his wet kisses moving to Sirius' throat, sucking the salt sweat from it.

"Yeah...yes...Remus," Sirius groaned, "oh fuck yeah..."

Remus growled again and sat up, straddling Sirius, eyes glittering gold and glowing, skin gleaming with sweat. He stroked the side of Sirius' face and then ran his long-nailed fingers over the kiss-swollen lips, tracing the wet seam, seeking entrance. Sirius moaned and closed his eyes, sucking in the long, cool digits, tongue playing over the sharpening nails, his cock twitching at the feel of those developing claws. _Ahhh... Moony....such a divine animal..._

Remus panted, growling softly as he rubbed his cock languidly against the smooth, downy flesh of Sirius' stomach, then downwards to press aching and heated into the curls of soft black nether hair. God, he wanted him.

Sirius suckled the fingers, his tongue smoothing over them, tasting the salt of sweat and tang of animal musk. He moaned as Remus moved down further, cock nestling between his legs, up against his aching, heavy balls, as Remus reached down stroking his fingernails gently up and down the weeping, erect flesh that swelled hot and reddened above.

Remus ran the pad of one thumb softly over the weeping slit, growling at the feel of the hot, silky juices that seeped out. He spread the liquid languidly, closing his eyes, losing himself in the feel of the warm, swelling organ in his hands and his own cock and balls burrowing against Sirius as his sable-headed lover suckled his fingers so slowly, erotically. Remus smeared the leaking fluids over his fingers then smoothed his hand down the shaft, past the soft-skinned balls to the tender, heated, puckered ring of muscle below. He ran his wettened fingers over that spot, smiling and growling louder as Sirius groaned and sucked harder, arching up into the stroke.

"Do you want this?" Remus breathed, one finger sliding gently inside the tight, warm, silken channel that clenched and released so seductively.

"Mmmmhhh" Sirius moaned in return and Remus smiled, opening his eyes to gaze wild and gold and feral down at Sirius spread willing and open before him. He slid in another finger slowly, gold eyes locked to silver, gently stretching and widening the heated passage.

Sirius' mouth fell open and Remus moved that dripping hand down, pulling out his fingers to slide in the new, saliva-drenched digits. This time - three fingers. Sirius groaned and arched as the fingers stretched and scissored gently inside him. Sweat streamed from him, his hair flowing back from his head as he arched up. Remus groaned at the sight and knew he could wait no longer. He reluctantly pulled his fingers free and with a soft groan, he lifted Sirius' legs, parting them and pulling them to his shoulders as he leaned up and over his lover.

"Ready?" Remus gasped, his control beginning to break as sweat beaded on his forehead. Sirius nodded in response and reached to grab at Remus' strong, smooth and also sweating back.

Remus placed the tip of his cock against Sirius and pushed inside, unable to ease in -- not now with the desire pounding through him. He groaned at the intense, heady pleasure of being surrounded by that insanely tight velvet sheath. He stopped, his body shivering in pleasure and he just luxuriated in the feeling of being completely bonded to the man below him and imbedded inside him. With a soft moan, Remus rocked his hips and then pulled back so that only the tip of his cock remained inside Sirius' tight heat before he slid forward again into the welcoming warmth.

Sirius panted with pleasure, the feel of Remus, hot and hard, filling him, stretching him so deliciously, his heated flesh sliding deep in and out of him was almost too much. He moaned and bucked as Remus' cock brushed tantalizingly against his prostate as his sharp hips rolled against him and thrusts alternated between short and very hard pushes and slow, long, rhythmic motions.

Remus growled softly, leaning further down, pressing Sirius' knees back, his breath fanning hot across Sirius' face as he moved harder and faster now, hips slamming into Sirius.

"Ohhh... god..." Sirius groaned, grabbing at the sweating back moving above him as Remus covered his mouth with his own, ravaging it with another deep, wet, sucking kiss that took Sirius' breath away.

The room darkened and Sirius shivered at the feel of that body moving harder and harder, as a hot hand suddenly reached down to grab almost fiercely at his cock, pumping it in time with the deep, pounding strokes into his body.

Remus could feel hunger and desire reaching a fevered pitch, he growled loudly now, losing all self-awareness as he ground into the warm, tight body below him, his senses assailed with sensation so sharp it felt like pain. In fact, he did feel odd shooting flares of pain but he ignored them to concentrate on pleasure instead. He could smell Sirius - the sweat, and musk and faded soap and the rich, heady aroma of his blood pumping hard in his veins and Remus lowered his mouth to that neck, snuffling intently for the source of that smell. _Ahhh... there._ He found it -- the delicate, pumping line of his life essence. He smelled Sirius' sweet blood, he wanted it. His cock seemed to swell, filling the tight body completely, one hand gripping Sirius' wet, aching cock, as the other dug fiercely into his shoulder.

Sirius stared up at Remus, watching the feral eyes flashing, the mouth hanging open -- _Sweet Merlin, those teeth... my, what large teeth you have, Moony..._ and then, Remus bent down, pressing harder, tighter to him, and Sirius moaned, silver eyes wide and staring now at the ceiling as he bucked below Remus, meeting him, a counterpoint to his thrusts.

Then Remus felt it-- his desire reaching a feverish pinnacle and growling loud, lustfully, he bent down and without warning, sank long, sharp teeth into the sweating, succulent neck below, as he reached a shuddering climax, body jerking atop Sirius as Remus moaned and growled contentedly, his seed spilling inside his mate as he lapped at the flow of rich, crimson, coppery fluid that surrounded his tongue, sating him, as he ground once more into the hot flesh holding him.

Sirius yelled in pain and ecstasy as the teeth sank into his flesh and he bucked hard against Remus as he reached his own heavy orgasm, his fluids spurting hot and thick between their sweat-coated bodies.

Remus became aware again of the sharp pain that laced fire through his body and he pulled from Sirius. As he did, a silver shaft of moonlight fell across Sirius' ravaged throat. Remus gasped, mind clenching, soul seeming to burn inside, his world seeming to shake at its core as his mind rebelled at the image of the torn flesh bathed in cursed moonglow. And ... god,... the red blood that coated the wound, he tasted it and he still swallowed convulsively, before the moonlight fell across him and he trembled harshly, screaming in agony and horror at what he had done. The absolute worst thing... his worst nightmare... _Oh no, Sirius, I still have nightmares..._

Sirius, still dazed with pleasure, looked up at his lover as Remus' face contorted with agony, hand covering his mouth, gold eyes widening as he stared at Sirius, his body jerking, a horrible wail suddenly piercing forth from him. Sirius stared confused knowing he needed to turn into Padfoot immediately, but as he struggled to move out from under Remus, he felt the pain in his neck, he saw the moonlight filtering in, he watched his lover's agonized face, and he knew... he knew what had happened...

"No! NO! Dear god, Nooooo! Please god no!" Remus screamed behind his hands, his voice shrieking for a moment before becoming a guttural rasp and then a heavy growl as his body began to fully transform. He jerked forward as his face lengthened, his muzzle stretching forth behind his hands still futilely trying to cover his face. "Noooooaaaaaarrrooooo!" he howled in despair, still perched desperately above his now cursed lover...


	3. 2

Paralyzed with fear and wonderment, all Sirius could do for the moment was stare.

Remus, more wolf than human now, continued to cry into his hands, even as silver fur pushed its way up through the pores of pale flesh, long thin fingers transforming into padded paws. Desperate cries were ripped from his throat in the form of lingering, anguished howls.

Sirius' heart was pounding violently, his throat scratchy and dry. It was doubtful that his voice would have worked in that moment, should he have even **wished** to dare himself to speak his innermost concerns and fears. He couldn't be sure if these desperate cries were more from what the wolf had done to his lover or from the pain of transformation. He cringed as he heard the familiar cracking and splintering of breaking bone, watched in wide-eyed concern as skin was ripped open and blood was spilled. How often had he witnessed this tormenting metamorphosis? Yet, terror gripped him as he lay there motionless, watching Remus' body tear itself to shreds and reform into something much more primal. Had his lover really done what he'd thought he'd done? Was his fate now sealed? Slowly, he rose a shaking hand to his throat, letting out a gasp as his fingers met with the warm, sticky fluid that covered it. Would he be turning into a wolf tonight as well?

But no...Remus wasn't a werewolf at the time of the bite. His transformation was only just beginning. Besides, the full moon was out and no strange changes were taking place within his own body. He felt perfectly fine. Shifting his weight, he attempted to pull himself up from the floor and go to Moony--to comfort him. But his body protested painfully.

_On second thought..._ , he cringed to himself. _I do seem to be in pretty bad shape._

As he pulled his grip away from the wound to inspect his hand, the rich, metallic aroma flooded his senses. He closed his eyes for a moment, suddenly dizzy and nauseous, yet strangely enticed all at once. He'd never been afraid of the sight of blood, yet, knowing it was his own--knowing what this might mean sent a terror through him that he'd never known before--not even in Azkaban. Likewise, the scent and feel of the crimson fluid had never been an aphrodisiac of any kind. In fact, he'd grown to loathe it with a passion, knowing just how much it plagued his lover's nightmares. Tonight, however, was different.

_Oh god...maybe I **am** cursed..._ Sirius wasn't sure what to do. His mind reeled with a thousand different images, myriad possibilities, rendering him temporarily immobile. A nagging voice at the back of his mind urged him to rise, convinced him that he needed to find some way to stop the bleeding, but it was difficult to move. His body ached painfully and it refused to cooperate with his brain. All he knew was that something very bad had happened and that Remus, even in his lupine form seemed to be blaming himself.

Carefully, he pressed his hands against the smooth wood of the floor, pushing himself up with a grunt. Pain shot through his neck as he rose his head, but he gritted his teeth, doing his best to ignore it. Pulling his body into an upright position, he allowed his site to fall on Moony, now fully transformed. There was something obviously wrong. The wolf, having finally broken free after a month of repression, was always anxious with hunger and the desire to run with its pack in the open air. In their Hogwarts years, Moony would often pace the floor as he waited impatiently for his animal counterparts to devise their monthly plan and lead him to freedom. Even after all of these years, the wolf hadn't changed. His eyes were always alight with humor and excitement and an almost unnerving hint of lust. Tonight, however, the beast was nothing more than compliant.

He stood before Sirius, tail between his legs, head bowed in something that resembled submission. Sirius had never seen that before. Moony was always the leader--the Alpha, and he knew it. There was an odd look in that expression, almost as if the soul within the animal had remained completely human, staring out at him with Remus' yellow-amber eyes. That piercing gaze seemed to glow in the darkness, projecting such guilt, sorrow and earth-shattering despair, it filled Sirius with a desperation he hadn't felt since Azkaban.

Although the wolf was calm now, still brimming with Remus' emotions and thoughts, he knew the pull of the moon would overtake it sooner or later, and the smell of fresh blood would beckon the wild beast. It was that thought that finally forced him into motion. He rose swiftly, throat throbbing and head spinning, and made his way as quickly as his trembling legs would allow to the bathroom.

He shut the door, and leaned heavily against it, resting for a moment as he allowed the vertigo to pass. In the surrounding darkness, he could still see those eyes, burning bright and passionate amidst the surrounding fur of the four-legged beast. The emotion and sorrow in that gaze spoke volumes, and it confirmed for him, even more strongly that although the beautiful human visage of his lover disappeared once a month, Remus Lupin still lingered somewhere just beyond the surface of canine paws and sharp, inhuman teeth.

Oh, how he wanted to comfort Remus, to assure him that everything would be alright. But truth be told, he didn't know that, and the thought that he'd been given this nearly unbearable curse scared him in a way he never thought possible. How many times had he wished that he could share in Remus' lycanthropy, to truly know what his lover really went through? How often had he longed to be able to understand the wolf, to offer solace like no human or animagus ever could? This was different though. This was final. There was no turning back.

Searching frantically in the darkness for a moment, he finally found his wand where he'd left it near the sink. His fingers slipped a couple of times before he managed to get a firm hold on it. Lifting it carefully, voice scratchy and hoarse, he whispered, "Lumos."

Light appeared suddenly at the tip of his wand, bathing the room with an eerie blue glow. Shadows danced on the walls as Sirius took a deep breath, mustering every ounce of his Gryffindor courage to stand in front of the mirror. The first thing he noticed was how dreadfully pale his face was, as if it had been drained of all color. There were dark circles under his eyes, nearly purple as though he'd been hit there and the surrounding skin had begun to bruise. It was his eyes though that perhaps held his attention the longest. Where they were once a pale, stormy grey, they now seemed to shine of their own accord, nearly blazing in the darkness. For a moment, he humored the idea that if he were to extinguish the illumination pouring from his wand, the now unearthly metallic silver of his eyes would be enough to keep the room alight.

Swallowing, he moved his sight farther down to inspect his throat. He hissed sharply, squeezing his eyes shut at what he saw. The skin was red and raw and swollen around several rounded indentations where sharp teeth had punctured the flesh. Each piercing was filled with its own puddle of fresh, thick blood that spilled out slowly to trickle down his neck. Had Remus **really** bitten him that hard? He would have expected it to be much more painful.

Gripping the wand tighter in his trembling fingers, he rose it to his throat and closed his eyes. He was certain that this was going to hurt.

"Integro..." He whispered in a raspy voice.

He waited for the pain, but none came. Finally, he opened his eyes to inspect his handiwork and sighed in frustration when he realized that nothing had changed.

"Integro," he said again, this time with more force behind his words, glaring at the mirror as if daring it to defy him.

Again, the wound continued to bleed freely.

"Why isn't this working?," he whispered to his reflection. "Why won't it bloody **work**?"

Finally, shock gave way to reality, and he sank to the floor, burying his face in his hands, ignoring the stinging pain the motion caused. Tears began to flow freely--emblems of frustration and helplessness and fear. But most of all his sorrow was for Moony. How would Remus **possibly** deal with this? And if he couldn't get the bleeding to stop, his lover would also be blaming himself for his death. He couldn't let that happen. He had to find help somehow. Maybe in one of those medical books Remus was always reading...

He reached up painfully and gripped the doorknob, falling on his knees into the hallway as the door swung open. His hands left smeared, bloody prints over the dark wood, and he coughed convulsively at the sight. Moony remained in the living room just beyond, very frantic, tail swaying, yet laying otherwise motionless, chin resting on his paws. He let out a whine that Sirius interpreted as a deeply distressed apology, and crawled forward a bit on his stomach.

A look of dread continued to fill those haunting eyes, and yet Sirius could also discern the beginnings of hunger and violence there--two emotions battling for dominance. Remus was fighting against the urges, wanting desperately to help his friend, but the wolf had other plans. It wanted blood.

Gathering all of his strength, Sirius concentrated, body tingling with a familiar displaced sensation as he transformed himself into Padfoot. Spent and exhausted from his efforts and the stress of the moment, he slumped down onto the floor, letting out a small whine of pain. The wolf recognized its packmate at once and moved toward him more confidently, but less feral now, snuffling at the air for the traces of blood he could still detect. As he approached, the dog stiffened in surprise. He would have gasped had his canine form possessed the ability to do so. There were tears in the wolf's eyes, matting the fur on either side of his nose.

Padfoot laid his head on his paws as Moony came near, touching their noses together in affection. The dog rubbed his muzzle against the wolf's, taking comfort in the brief contact, and hoping to give some in return. Finally, Moony shifted, laying his nose gently under Padfoot's chin to push his head up and to the side. Padfoot obeyed, closing his eyes in surrender. He was sure that Moony wouldn't harm him. He really couldn't have stopped him if he'd wanted to.

Gently, Moony began to lick his wounds, soft warm tongue lapping up the thick, rich blood. The part of Padfoot that was Sirius began to panic for a moment at the thought that the werewolf might be overly enticed at the taste and therefore turn him into his dinner. But the fear quickly passed, and he allowed a quiet grumble to sound in the back of his throat, encouraging the wolf to continue.

As the wolf maintained its gentle assault, the stinging pain gave way to a curious, tingling sensation. Soon, the hurt dissipated altogether, and Padfoot found the strength to stand on his own legs again. He gave a sharp yip, letting Moony know that he was alright, and the wolf backed away a bit, assessing him in the white light of the moon.

Sirius wasn't sure what was happening within his own body, but he felt much better than he had only moments ago--invigorated, in fact, and he barked playfully at the wolf. Perhaps everything would be alright after all. He didn't want Remus to worry unnecessarily.

After several moments, the wolf finally conceded, body sagging in relief and eyes alighting with mischief. This was the beast's night, and now that it had taken over, it was time to journey out into the open air to play and run and hunt. Sirius knew that the wolf needed this, and Padfoot was more than willing to oblige. Forgetting the evening's horrendous events, he allowed the dog to take over for a while, enormous, well-practiced paws reaching up to turn the handle on the front door. As it swung open on its hinges, a gust of cool night air flooded the room. The wolf turned to him, tongue lolling, and he barked excitedly, chasing his packmate out into the night.

They played and rolled and wrestled, covering themselves in dirt and leaves. Several times, the dog was forced to lead the wolf away from the surrounding villages and back into the confines of the forest, but he didn't mind. It was an age old game for the two, stemming back to their school days. Through it all, Padfoot didn't even stop to consider the wound. The memories of that event were too far buried in his mind. He was in no pain, and in fact, felt as though he possessed the energy of a puppy instead of that of an aging, somewhat emaciated, guilt ridden man. If felt good to be out in the open with Moony once again, and just as he'd been anticipating, the night was filled with fun and adventure.

Early the following morning, when the sun began to rise, the dog awoke beneath the concealment of tall trees. His back was slightly stiff from laying on the cold ground, and he stretched out languidly, breathing in the fresh scent of pine. A metallic smell also invaded his senses, and he turned frantically, spotting the now human form of his lover sprawled out on the leaf-strewn grass. Without giving it a second thought, he instantly returned to his normal human visage and hurried to Remus' side. Weak and spent, the man lay there peacefully, his breathing soft and even. Sirius noticed a couple of scratches on the smooth, ivory skin, but nothing serious. Sighing with relief, he picked him up gently and carried him back to the house.

Whether Padfoot was there to keep him company or not, transformations always took a lot out of Remus. The brilliance of the full, white orb seemed to bathe him with strength and endurance, even as it floated there, mocking him in the sky. But after such an enthusiastic romp, he was left exhausted, the pain and distortion of mutating bones and skin taking quite a toll on his body. Sirius thought about the burst of energy he'd felt himself last night, and he wondered if there was any connection to the bite. The memories were so distant now, it all seemed like a dream.

Maybe he could assume that everything was okay until the next full moon rose. Perhaps he could put it all behind him, and simply wait to see if anything happened when that silvery light came into contact with his flesh. But no...he knew that it would be no good to prolong the inevitable. He had to see for himself.

He slipped down the hall quietly, not wishing to wake Remus from his fitful slumber just yet. Vivid images of what he'd seen in the mirror the night before flashed into his mind, causing him to pause at the bathroom door. Did he really want to gaze upon his reflection again? Would what he found there be even worse than before?

Slowly, he opened the door and stepped inside, closing it securely behind him incase he should discover the need to yell or curse. But as he sauntered up to the mirror--face set in determination--his eyes widened in surprise. He lifted a hand to run his fingers over the newly healed flesh, amazed to find that all that was left of the brutal wound was a light, ominous, crescent-shaped scar across his throat.

~~+~~

It wasn't with the expected thunder of desperate angst, the bitter tears of anxious worry, nor even the wringing ache of horrified guilt that Remus awakened...instead his eyes, crusty and sore as always following the transformation, had opened and it was with a sense of lonely numbness that he became aware of just how much his soul had shattered the night before.

The room was quiet save for the buzzing of a few flitting bees and the lusty chirping of spring-mad birds just outside the window--a charming, pleasantly disjointing little backdrop for the horrors that had been wreaked a few paces down the hallway in a quiet little study during a fit of moon madness.

Remus, stiffened with soreness and pain and the dread of the surely upcoming onslaught of misery and guilt, dug blood stained fingers into the heretofore clean white sheets. He swallowed, willing his body to relax, willing his mind to open and let reality seep in--no matter the ravages it imposed.

So quiet...quiet without the familiar, comforting sound of deep, even breaths beside him. Quiet without the soothing thrum of a heartbeat gentled in repose. Achingly quiet and so bitterly empty without the presence of his long-limbed mate, murmuring softly in sleep as he rolled over, nestling closer to Remus, his sweetly musky scent washing over both of them.

The first silvery tear burned his vision and the amber eyes closed, the salty liquid pooling behind pale lids. It was over now...done with. To all extents and purposes, he was defeated finally, and it wasn't the red glaring vision of a power-hungry dark wizard, nor the watery faint lashing out of a weak, balding, bitter former friend that had finished him--no, it was ultimately the foe that Remus had feared and despised for so long now, that had brought about the end of everything that was good to him. The snarling, hungry beast that dwelt within his own bones and blood and muscle...and soul, had destroyed him as he always knew it would.

He smiled bitterly, mind flickering back to the concerned, pinched faces of two black-headed boys who feared desperately that their gentle, afflicted friend would take his own life. They hadn't understood just how much young Remus had loved life--treasured it within his soul like the precious gift he knew it was - the gift that had almost been wrested from him making it all the more precious. And now...a man--still slender and pale as moonlight with eyes as wild and soulful and wise as they had ever been, realized with bitter clarity how right the fears of his two sweet-spirited friends had been about him all along, for now... it was true...he had brought the end down upon himself, more surely than Voldemort and his dark minions or sniveling Wormtail or a narrow-minded, cruel Ministry. He had destroyed himself in destroying his lover.

A sob escaped his raw throat and he moaned, allowing the pent-up emotions to well out of him. He might as well. There was no one to hear him cry. Sirius...his loyal, good-hearted, loving, strong Sirius had apparently finally acted with something besides his usual firm impulsiveness--he had made the correct, though hurtful, decision to leave his mate...no...not his mate any longer... his maker and his destroyer.

He gnashed his teeth, biting hard at his own lips, the self-loathing so intense in its power that Remus felt defenseless against it and surrendered to it, hating the creature that haunted him--that horrible beast of long teeth and fangs--and hating the man, the calm scholar that was so weakened by the beast.

Somewhere deep inside another voice, a gentle voice, softly rebuked the loathing, telling the frightened, thrashing man that he had only succumbed once--just once to beast, and after so many long, desperate years. Remus' tear stained face stretched with a grimace of madness as he responded to the internal debate, "But, it only took the once to ruin every sliver of hope, love and happiness that I had so carefully managed to preserve."

Outside the door, Sirius' shadow fell, soft footsteps--indicative of the name of the dog whose form he took--stopped at the threshold of the room, and silvery eyes gazed at the tormented man that writhed in pain and the beginning of grief-induced madness. And it was a sight that haunted Sirius more than any of the horrifying war ravages he had witnessed.

"Remus," he whispered, breath hovering in the air, silence suspended between the two wizards.

Remus jerked at the sound of that voice, tensing, thinking it another form of his madness, but then...then there was the soft padding of steps, the gentle creaking and swaying of the bed as weight was lowered unto it, and he turned then, burning molten gold eyes lifted to peer frightened into pale eyes above. Remus expected to see anger in those beautiful eyes--or perhaps revulsion, but what he saw there frightened him even more. Love...love still burned in those stormy depths, and Remus whimpered, afraid of that love--the love he no longer deserved--had never deserved and he pushed away, only to be gathered in warm, long arms that crushed him to the man whose life he had cursed and destroyed.

"Remus...please don't. Don't do this...please don't do this, love. I can't take it if you pull away from me now when I need you most."

A long, dry sob tore from Remus' throat and he clutched desperately at Sirius, taking the handsome face in his hands, kissing it fiercely, lips stroking fire along the arching cheekbones and smooth forehead as ragged whispers caressed, "Sirius...I am so sorry...so sorry...so...sorry."

Sirius felt his own eyes burn with tears and he grabbed unto Remus again, pulling the trembling man back. Remus sobbed again, head dropping unto his chest, thin shoulders slumping. Sirius groaned in desperation--never had he seen his strong, stoic mate so utterly destroyed. He reached up, cupping the wet face and lifting it up. Remus kept his eyes closed, his mouth trembling as he murmured softly, so softly that Sirius could not make out the words.

"Remus, please. You must fight this. You have to be strong for me, Remus. Come back to me."

Remus whimpered, head lolling back slightly and Sirius felt his nerves and anxiety reach a crescendo, prompting him to shake his love, gripping him hard. "Dammit, Remus, look at me! Fight this! You hear me! You have never in your entire bloody life been weak--don't start now! I love you, Remus. That has not changed--that could never change. We will work through this." His voice grew softer as the wet, amber eyes opened, gazing at him tentatively. "We will, Remus," he murmured, callused thumbs gently stroking the hot tears away, "It's not the end of everything. It's...going to be different...and..."

"Horrible for you," Remus rasped, eyes beginning to close again.

"NO! Open your eyes, Moony!"

Remus obeyed, his breath stuttering loudly between them.

Sirius smiled softly. "We will be more truly bonded to one another than ever before, Remus. You see...I never told you this because I knew it would anger and upset you, but...I used to want you to bite me, to make me the same as you, so that we would be one and the same."

"No, you don't want this, Sirius..."

Sirius had to silently acknowledge the truth of his mate's words, but he did not voice it. Instead he sighed and pulled Remus back into his arms, stroking his fingers through the tawny matted hair, "We will find a way to get through this, Remus."

Remus' head lay across Sirius' shoulder and his vision fell on the scar--the cursed scar inflicted upon the beloved flesh by himself-- he shuddered and traced it with gentle fingers. "I've scarred you, Sirius," he murmured, instantly hating the obviousness and stupidity of his statement.

Sirius nodded. "We're even now, Moony. What I did so many long years ago to you..."

Remus sat up to protest but Sirius shook his head, putting his fingers to Remus' lips and he continued, "What I did, how I distrusted and hurt you, left a scar on your heart--don't deny that it didn't."

"That scar has healed, Sirius. You healed it," Remus murmured.

"Yes, and we will find a way to heal this one too."

Remus pulled back and his eyes blazed with a fierce light of determination. "No, Sirius, I did this to you and **I** will find a way to undo it."

"How?"

"I...I don't know...but I will find a way. I have heard legends of ways to end the curse."

"Then why didn't you try to end it for yourself, Remus? I don't understand, love."

Remus shook his head. "No, the legends don't tell of a way I could end it for myself, but I can end it for those I...make."

Sirius sat up straighter, holding on tightly to Remus' arms as he gazed deeply at him. "What do these legends say? Will it hurt you to do this? Because, that being the case..."

The most unexpected sound then erupted from Remus' throat--a soft chuckle. "Oh Padfoot, brave, good Padfoot--as loyal and self- sacrificing as any dog--I've said this before, love, but I'll say it again, your animagus form was well selected. I ask one thing of you because I am unable to do it for myself..."

"Anything..."

Remus smiled a slow, sad smile. "Will you...can you forgive me, Sirius? I know that is too much for me to ask and..."

"Yes," Sirius interrupted immediately, though inside his heart still quaked with trepidation and worry about the curse, "I do forgive you, Remus." And as he said the words, he realized they were true.

Remus bowed his head, a heavy sigh escaping as he murmured, "I don't deserve that forgiveness but I do so appreciate it."

"Remus, look, alright, I shall say this only once and then I want all of this talk of fault and forgiveness to stop." He waited until Remus nodded, his eyes locked to his own before continuing. "Last night, I was as much to blame for this as you, Remus...and...no... no...don't protest. I wanted to seduce you. I enjoy, as you are well aware, that...feral side of your nature and I can't resist tempting it sometimes..."

"But," Remus interrupted despite Sirius' protestations, "I didn't tell you no, either, Sirius and I could have."

Sirius shrugged, "Okay, then, it was both of our faults. Agreed?" Remus favored him with a long, speculative gaze before sighing and nodding, "Alright, agreed, Padfoot."

Sirius smiled. "Okay, now that we've lanced some of the thick sturm and drang in this room, err...can I admit to you that, cursed or no, I felt better last night romping with you in the words than I have in years! I felt so strong and alive and enervated! It was amazing, Moony! Is it like that for you?"

Remus smiled. "Yes, at least during the night, but...that energy is sapped the next day, I'm afraid."

"Oh!" A contrite look appeared on Sirius' face. "God, Moony, I'm sorry...I know you must feel terrible now..."

Remus smirked bitterly, "Mostly psychologically."

Sirius favored him with a warning glance, one black eyebrow arched. Remus sighed, "I apologize. I promise I'll do my best not to wallow in guilt...unduly that is."

"Such a bloody martyr," Sirius laughed as he stood up from the bed. "Shall I bring you something to eat?"

Remus shook his head and said, "I want to get up. I'll go with you to the kitchen."

Sirius worried that Remus was too weak to do so, but he knew stubborn Moony wouldn't listen to him so he simply helped his mate to rise, leaning the slim, nude man against his warmth as he reached for Remus' ( **his** old) robe and handed it to him to slip on.

As they slowly stepped from the room, the sight that met Remus' eyes in the hallway caused him to cry out. Bloody handprints were smeared in several places on the walls and floor--Sirius' precious blood that he had spilt. "Oh, Sirius," he breathed, eyes raking over the gruesome sight, heart clenching anew as tears threatened again.

Sirius tried desperately to lighten the mood again, "Errm...yeah, sorry about that. I somewhat made a gory little mess last night. But, I'll clean it..."

"No, I'll clean it."

Sirius groaned aloud, "Moony!" he growled softly.

Remus bit his lip, "We'll clean it up later."

Sirius just nodded.


	4. 3

For the next several days, Remus tried desperately to hone his frantic mind into some semblance of order and composure as he sat for hours in the study, researching and reading his myriad books on werewolves, primitive nature magic and legends which dealt with lycanthropy, as he sought a cure or some sort of solution to the horrific circumstances he and Sirius now found themselves in. He was unable to do as much research as he would have liked, however, largely due to Sirius' reaction to his **curse**.

Remus recognized the onset of the lycanthropy symptoms in his mate immediately -- the restlessness, increased strength, stamina, heightened senses, abundance of energy - all of which now was so closely tied to the moon's luminous phases. Sirius, however, seemed unfazed, even strangely pleased, by the changes.

The heightened senses, for example, were delightful to Sirius who now took frequent opportunities to snuffle into Remus' neck or groin, breathing in his mate's musky, honeyed, woodsy scent. Two nights previously, Sirius had slipped up behind Remus in the kitchen and buried his nose in the thick golden/grayish brown mass of silky hair at Remus' nape, breathing in his scent. Sirius moaned softly, his lips sliding over the pale satin skin of Remus' neck as he murmured that he almost felt he could tell what Remus was feeling from scent alone now. Remus had smiled at that and patiently explained that much could be gleaned from the olfactory senses. Sirius had smiled wickedly then, pale eyes glinting like diamond-bright silver, as he whispered, his lips ghosting moist and warm against Remus' cheek as he breathed in his mate's scent, "Mmmhhh yes, I can tell... you're aroused, Remus... deliciously aroused...".

Those words had served as an impetus that had led to a passionate encounter there in the kitchen, the two spread out, sweating and fervid, on the kitchen table, recalling the days of their fevered youth when neither, in their tandem fits of lust and heat, could be bothered to walk down the hall to the bedroom when it was perfectly fine to expend those carnal desires wherever they happened to be at the moment. Yes, Sirius, and Remus too (though he woefully hated to admit it to himself) had indulged in and enjoyed the recent lycanthropic advantages of Sirius' increased stamina, abundant energy, escalated carnality and heightened senses.

One thing, however, that had begun to puzzle Remus was the undeniable streak of amplified possessiveness and an upsurge in a desire to dominate in Sirius. Remus, as the **maker** of Sirius - his werewolf sire in a sense (though the incestuous implications of that term troubled the pensive scholar) -- was confused by Sirius' desire to press his increased strength and larger physical size and capabilities over him. One addition to his increased carnal appetite was that now Sirius had begun picking up Remus quite often and throwing him friskily to the bed followed by a thorough ravishing. At first, Sirius' amorous, lusty advances had aroused Remus to no end and he had laughed in delight as Sirius playfully wrestled him to the bed again and again - his stamina unceasing. But Remus was concerned when it appeared that Sirius was determined to press his advantage, to consistently dominate Remus sexually. The two had always enjoyed an even, balanced, reciprocal relationship in the bedroom, so it mildly disturbed Remus to see that balance shifting in favor of Sirius always being the aggressor and always wanting to be the **taker** in sexual matters.

Remus tried to push these **mutinous** thoughts from his mind as he felt, in a way, that he deserved whatever impositions Sirius chose to level at him since he was the cause of the changes that were rapidly taking place within his mate's psyche and his physicality. Still... even knowing and accepting that, Remus still pondered, his mind worrying over it like the proverbial dog with a bone - which he realized with a sense of ironic amusement was rather fitting really.

_Was Sirius subtly trying to shift the balance of power? Was his new lycanthropic instinct driving him to try to usurp the Alpha role? Could such a thing actually happen with them? Or would he himself remain the Alpha?_

Remus had never considered himself to be a power-centered person whatsoever. During his school days, he had always been content to traipse along beside his friends, following their lead most often, that is... until the moon called hard in his veins and then... the other Remus, or rather Moony, would take over. The golden-eyed **human** form of Moony was strong, mischievous, fun-loving, sly, and... yes, quite Alpha. It was during those times when the wolfblood soared strong in his young veins that Remus had led the Marauders on their adventures in the velvet black night, and the others -- laughing and amused to see their quiet, shy friend become so brazen and gregarious-had willingly followed his lead. Sirius, in particular, had relished those times it seemed.

Now, when it appeared a power struggle was being subtly enacted between he and Sirius, Remus realized how much he coveted the quiet control and delicate power he had always wielded over his impetuous lover, even if that control had gone largely unknown by the rest of the world. Behind closed doors, when the two were alone, it had always been obvious whom, despite appearances, truly served as the governing influence of their relationship. Now, it appeared, that this gentle authority was being challenged.

Remus paused in his reading, marking his place in the ancient dusty text as he turned to regard Sirius outside the window. Sirius, discontent to "wallow in the stuffy, dim rooms" as he so eloquently stated, was now capering about the yard as Padfoot. Remus smiled, watching the huge, bearlike dog bounding like a puppy after a disgruntled, gibbering squirrel. Watching Padfoot, Remus wondered with a sudden lurch about his lover's animagus form. _What would happen to dear Padfoot now? Would his large, benign form be overcome by the wild, ruthless wolf? Would Sirius still be able to shift into the form of Padfoot or would that change now be tainted so that he could only morph into a lupine form?_

As if sensing Remus' thoughts lingered on him, Padfoot stopped; pale, intelligent eyes gazing at Remus through the dusty glass. Remus' worried expression shifted as he offered the dog a small, shy smile. As he smiled at Padfoot, the lines of the dark form wavered and suddenly Sirius stood there again, handsome, tanned and brimming still with health.

A pang of guilt assailed Remus then. Sirius' good health would be short-lived. Soon he too would be suffering the malaise and maladies associated with the lycanthropic condition. Soon, his chiseled face would bear the weary lines of stress, soon the laughing eyes would be shadowed and, most distubing all, soon the leanly-muscled, glorious body would break and split and tear with the gory agony of transformation. The realization of the inevitable agonies that would be visited upon his lover haunted Remus. Sirius had only recently regained the strength, health and energy he had lost during his bleak years of imprisonment, only to be shut away now inside another dark **prison** that would subject him to unimaginable pain and sap him of his newly-regained vitality. "Sirius, you accept this curse I've inflicted on you with such courageous grace, but... you have no idea of the torments that await you, my love..." Remus murmured darkly to himself.

His bleak thoughts were suddenly interrupted by Sirius -- ebony hair glinting blue-black in the setting sun -- who smiled widely at his lover and strolled up to the window, pressing his lips to the glass in a moment of whimsy. Remus felt some of the churning angst inside him melt at the playful gesture and he laughed and pressed a pale elegant hand to the cool glass trying to capture the kiss. Sirius pulled back, smiling again and held up one finger in a **wait** gesture before he then bolted from the window. A moment later, Remus was not surprised to see his sable-headed lover push through the doors of the study.

"Hullo," Sirius breathed, eyes glinting in the soft light of the desk lamp.

Remus merely inclined his head and smiled at his mate as Sirius approached.

Sirius perched on the edge of the desk and smiling impishly leaned forward, threading two large, strong hands through Remus' thick tawny hair, as he pulled his mate forward and pressed heated, moist, full lips to his.

And in that delirious moment, Remus simply closed his eyes -- temporarily forgetting all his urgent concerns over his mate's health and vitality, power issues and dominance and transformation trepidations -- and he succumbed to the heady bliss of the deep, sucking kiss.

~~+~~

The nights passed quickly, and before either of them knew it, days had turned into weeks. On the morning of the full moon, Remus Lupin rose with dread in his heart and leaned over to place a soft kiss against his lover's forehead.

_Oh, Sirius...if only you knew what you were in store for tonight..._

He took a deep breath, swallowing back tears as he rose carefully, not wishing to awaken the beautiful sleeping man. A light sheet was draped over him, concealing what lay below the waist, while emphasizing the perfection of a finely toned, tanned chest. For a moment, Remus was tempted to pull the covers back so that he might gaze one last time upon the perfect, unmarred flesh, to commit it to memory, as it would probably be the last time he would see this body in such a state of flawlessness. Instead, he resisted this urge and turned his gaze to the soft black hair that washed over the white pillowcase, framing a delicately chiseled face. Long dark lashes decorated the closed eyelids and the smooth, flushed lips were slightly parted as Sirius breathed easily in sleep.

Remus reflected on how angelic this man appeared--how perfect and gorgeous and magnificent. His own personal guardian angel. How many times had he saved him in the past, not only physically but emotionally and mentally as well?

He remembered a time long ago when a particular full moon night had nearly destroyed him. Sirius had taken care of him then. He'd sat next to him all day, not once leaving his side. He remembered the way Sirius had set a shy, self-loathing soul free--in more ways than one, how he'd gotten him to believe in himself. He remembered how once, in times of yore, while the world was at war and the tension between the two of them was high--how even **then** , he'd stood up for him in the face of adversity, proclaiming his innocence and loyalty to the side of good.

But Remus had failed in saving him in return. In fact, he had been the one to curse his lover's very existence. He'd tried so hard to rescue Sirius from the wounds and nightmares of Azkaban, but it had all been for naught. He realized now that the thing he should have really been trying to save him from was **himself**.

Biting his lips to hold back a fresh wave of tears, he stole one last longing look at his peaceful lover and crept carefully down the hall and toward the kitchen to start breakfast. The floorboards creaked beneath his feet and he cringed inwardly, hoping that he hadn't disturbed the sleeping man. Sirius would need every ounce of strength he possessed tonight to face the torment of the first transformation. Full moon nights had always taken a significant toll on Remus' own body. Still, he'd discovered over the years that if he partook of the proper nutrients directly beforehand, he was better able to withstand the pain and fatigue that plagued him the following day.

As he set the teakettle to boil and tried to concentrate on preserving the yolks of Sirius' eggs, he couldn't help but worry. His mind began to wander, causing him to dwell on several past transformations. What would it be like for Sirius tonight? He was such a strong man, but would his stamina and high spirits be enough to withstand the terror and pain? He was certain that Sirius could do anything he put his mind to, yet a small voice in his head screamed at him of impending doom.

Mere moments after Remus had risen, Sirius awoke, feeling oddly exhausted and empty. He laid there for a moment, trying to remember the strange dream he'd been having--something about a forest and sore feet. Eventually, as with all dreams, the images dissipated from his mind completely and he hoisted himself up into a sitting position, leaning heavily against the headboard. He glanced around the room solemnly, taking note that his lover had already vacated his side of the bed. He wasn't used to awaking to such silence anymore, and it left him feeling lonely and anxious.

The curtains were drawn back allowing the brightly shining sun to pour into the room, lighting it with a joy and warmth that seemed oddly out of place within the small quarters.

A peculiar sense of displacement came over Sirius as he gazed out the window at the surrounding landscape, and his head began to throb incessantly. He didn't feel particularly under the weather, yet an instinctual part of him deep inside alerted him that something was amiss. Yawning, he swung his legs carefully over the side of the bed and stood up. Too quickly. His head was swimming, and a surge of nausea invaded his stomach. He began to make his way slowly toward the bathroom, placing one quaking foot carefully in front of the other.

He turned on the tap and washed his face, hoping to revitalize himself with the sting of the cold water. As he reached for a towel and began to pat himself dry, he ventured a glance in the mirror and was perplexed by what he saw.

His skin was pale--far more insipid than he had ever seen it, even after Azkaban. Strangely familiar dark circles had invaded the flesh around his eyes, yet his lips were full and rosy, eyes nearly glowing with a preternatural light from within. He smiled at himself, noting how his cuspids had grown ever so slightly, tapering off to a rather sharp point.

Finally, he understood why he felt so drained and weak. He recognized just when he'd seen those dark circles beneath his eyes before. Had it been a month already? Tonight was the full moon. But hadn't Moony told him that the moon would give him strength? Where was that vital energy that had invigorated him so completely?

"You look like hell..." The mirror stated frankly.

"Yeah, thanks...I noticed," Sirius grumbled, casting his own reflection a dirty look before turning away to find Remus.

The rest of the day was spent participating in practical werewolf lessons given by Remus, and listening to warnings about what to expect. Remus knew there was no way he could adequately coach Sirius to be ready for the inevitable, but he wanted to prepare him as much as humanly possible before the moon rose in the night sky.

He explained about the bloodlust, the surge of energy and heightened senses, and the pain of transformation, being as informative as possible without frightening Sirius unnecessarily. He realized that it was quite a lot for Sirius to take in all at once, and he hoped that he wasn't coming off as too pushy or forward. He simply worried about his mate and the effect this first transformation would have on his body. He didn't wish to see Sirius in pain or plagued with confusion or doubt.

Remus had grown up with the curse. It had adapted with his body during puberty, and therefore had become an integral part of his body's cycle. He knew that this fact didn't lessen the pain much, if at all, but it made it easier to accept the inevitable transformation once a month. Sirius, however, had contracted the curse as a grown man in his late thirties. Studies on werewolves had shown him that the older one is when bitten, the worst the transitions on full moon nights. This fact worried him tremendously. What if the pain and mutilation were too much to bear? Would it maim Sirius, or worse yet... **kill** him?

"As you know, Sirius, every werewolf in his lupine form experiences a certain degree of bloodlust."

"Yes, Moony..." Sirius sighed. "We've been over this already." He really was appreciative of Remus' thoroughness, and the idea that his mate was so concerned for his well-being was truly touching. But he was getting bored and antsy. He'd been listening to Remus drone on for nearly three hours now. He needed a break.

"This is very important, Sirius. Any scent of blood, be it animal or human will entice you. And although you will not be particularly attracted to the scent of animals, you will settle for it eventually if it is all you can find."

"Yes, yes...I know, Remus."

"Meaning that if you are cooped up for too long after the transformation has taken place, you will become agitated by the smell of your own blood, and you might begin to...well...mutilate yourself..."

Sirius attempted to look reassuring. "But I won't, Remus. You'll be nearby and we'll keep one another entertained. Alright?"

"Yes, but--"

"Remus, I'm tired," Sirius finally complained. "I need to rest a bit."

"I know, Sirius, but please understand...there are so many things you need to know before--"

Sirius turned to him, smiling gently, sadly. He laid his hands on Remus' shoulders, searching his face earnestly. "I'm **fine** , Remus, really. Please stop worrying."

But when the moon began to appear in the heavens, everything changed. ~~+~~

Remus paced the length of the living room floor, muscles growing tense in the approaching darkness and a forbidding fear rising up in the back of his mind. In mere moments the moon would make its appearance and Sirius would suffer his first transformation.

Fearing that the two wolves might maim one another in their pain and confusion, Remus had strongly considered splitting the two of them up, locking his own self in the storage shed while allowing Sirius the comfort and familiarity of the house. Still, he'd suffered through the change alone more times that he could count, and he simply couldn't do that to his lover. Being cooped up alone always lead to frustration and the predictable tearing of one's own flesh. He would have none of that tonight if he could help it. He was determined to be here for Sirius and to help him in any way possible.

How long had he wished for company on these grueling nights? Certainly, he'd not been alone for long at Hogwarts. His friends had found a way to offer him solace when the moon was full. But before Sirius' return, he'd had thirteen long years to face his biggest fear alone. He would never wish his curse on anyone, but often, he wished that there was someone he could confide in who truly knew his pain. It seemed that after all of his time longing for such unreachable heights, he had finally been granted his wish.

"Please, Remus..." Sirius rubbed at the nagging, rapidly growing ache in his temples. "Sit down. Relax. You're giving me a headache."

Remus paused in his movement but couldn't allow himself to unwind. For the first rays of moonlight were already beginning to filter in through the windows, and he could feel the strong pull of his greatest nemesis beckoning the beast within. He called out to Sirius, watching in horrified curiosity as his own body was seized suddenly, causing him to double over in pain.

As soon as the white light hit, Sirius -- as calmly as his shaking nerves would allow -- sank to his knees to await what was in store. He closed his eyes for a moment, pulse thrumming in his chest. He was afraid. He couldn't remember the last time his fear had been so tangible. Dull pain throbbed in his head, continuing to grow in intensity until he was forced to gnash his teeth against it. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead, palms growing itchy as he pushed them against the soothing coolness of the floor.

A weight bore down on his chest and he had to remind himself to breathe, to try to relax like Remus had instructed him. It was so bloody hard to concentrate, however, as the first spasms of pain wracked through his body. He doubled over, gulping in mouthfuls of air as shards of intense pain shot up through his arms to travel down the center of his spine. Every vertebrae, every nerve ending pulsed with a life of its own, pure anguish seizing him, muscles tensing beneath the strain.

"Oh god... **GOD**!" He screamed as his skin began to stretch, the bones in his arms cracking at odd angles and pushing against it. He felt his elbows dislocate, causing his arms to give way beneath him, and he fell face first on the floor. Pain flared in his nose, but he no longer cared, the anguish was too great. He whimpered as the bones in his legs ground together, finally loosening themselves with a nauseating snap. He felt his knees forcing themselves backward, bending at angles that defied nature.

The bones of his elbows elongated, breaking through the skin, and he cried out in agony, hot tears streaming down his face. Never in his entire life had he felt such physical pain, nor had he been so utterly helpless to stop it.

His flesh itched and burned everywhere as course hairs began to sprout upward, covering him from head to toe. Fire lit up near his rear as his spine elongated, stretching into a furry, lupine tail. He screwed his eyes shut and screamed as every one of his fingers and toes tensed. He lifted a hand, reaching out blindly as every joint popped, ripping brutally from the sockets to deform themselves in to padded paws. For several long moments, he was completely paralyzed, body numb and throbbing as bones and cartilage and flesh broke, splintered and tore, reshaping itself into something foreign and completely inhuman. The part of Sirius that still remained reflected on the differences of becoming Padfoot and what he was currently going through. It was so much easier to will his body to take on the guise of the dog, because that's all it was--an illusion. But this -- becoming the wolf -- was so much more intense. This transformation was physical -- his body was actually reforming itself into a whole new shape, and it was a procedure he had no control over whatsoever.

There was a nagging pull at the back of his mind that seemed to be drawing him from his own body, erasing his memories and the human side of his thoughts and feelings. Alarm rushed through him at this intense sensation, sending him into a moment of panic. It reminded him so much of his imprisonment, when the dementors had taken control of his ideas and emotions, reshaping them into hate and fear. The terrifying notion of having his soul sucked clean from his body was one that would never truly leave him. The idea of losing control scared him immensely, and he fought with the wolf for several moments, attempting to keep some hold on the part of him that still was, and always would remain, a man.

Finally, fully transformed into the body of the beast, the pain subsided and he slumped down to the floor, whining with both relief and wariness. He'd managed to hold onto the barest shreds of humanity, but even that was slipping, as if he'd been locked away behind bars, only able to peer out periodically through a small hole in a crumbling yet sturdy wall. He understood now what Remus meant by losing control and giving in to the beast. It was a constant struggle, and the persuasive, overbearing presence of the wolf made it very tempting to give up the fight. He rose slowly, several sensations hitting him all at once. He could smell blood, though it wasn't human, nearly taste the unmistakable musk of his mate. He could sense fear and worry and grief. It seemed to his sensitive lupine ears, that he could hear all the world talking and laughing and crying at once -- a multitude of voices and sounds. He could feel the bloodlust rising in him, gripping him so drastically it was painful.

He rose carefully to his new legs and blinked in the darkness. Moony was there -- his mate. Sorrowful golden eyes glowed back at him, and for a moment, they just stared at one another, until the pull of the moon became too strong, and they rose their muzzles high, voices rising in a howl to the goddess in the sky.


	5. 4

Sirius awoke to a nearly unbearable wave of pain. Seizures attacked his body as the muscles spasmed from the recent strain of metamorphosis. Stiff and immobile, he risked a stretch, feeling every tendon tighten and convulse. His body ached everywhere as if he'd been beaten severely and left out in the cold. His skin prickled with sensitivity. It felt like the top few layers had been scratched or burned away, leaving him raw and exposed. He took in a deep breath, nearly choking on the fire that singed his lungs. He lay there for a moment, willing the feeling to pass as his eyes burned beneath the growing light of the sun.

He noted briefly that this was nothing like his transformations back from Padfoot. He was naked as was usual after his nights as an animal, and lying in a pile of leaves beneath a patch of tall trees that stretched high above. But that was where the similarities ended. He wondered how he'd gotten here. He remembered being inside the house with Remus, the painful struggle of the transformation process, his very brief and dwindling human thoughts as he peered out through his newborn lycanthropic eyes. Beyond that, his memory failed him. He couldn't remember venturing outside into the cool night air, and for a moment, a wave of panic flowed through him. He was a wolf himself now, no longer able to watch over Moony and control his actions. He no longer even possessed command of his **own** thoughts and dealings on full moon nights. What if they'd attacked someone? The images and memories locked away in his mind were far too vague to adequately recollect.

Forcing himself to his knees, he crawled toward Remus, every muscle in his legs protesting loudly. He sucked in a labored breath, bracing himself against the pain, and hazarded a look at himself. What he found there both frightened and amazed him.

Clearly, he'd scratched himself up last night, though it was nothing near the brutal mutilations Remus had inflicted upon himself over the years, and he wasn't even certain whether it had been the hazards of the forest or his own claws that had done the damage. What he **was** certain of, however, was that he owed it to Remus' presence with him the previous night that he hadn't torn himself to shreds.

A brief memory came to his mind now, of two canines--one black, one a brownish-grey--running through a moonlit forest. He remembered the fresh, invading smells of pine, the faint, tangy scent of blood that flowed through the woodland creatures all around him, the unmistakable musky odor of his mate.

He remembered the feeling of freedom as he ran alongside his companion, howling to the moon. The wind rustled his fur, grass, leaves and twigs crunching underfoot. They'd played in the dirt, wrestling, making a game out of their fight for dominance. He remembered the strong urge to be in control, to exhibit his position as "top dog". He wasn't certain why it had been so important to him last night. On any normal occasion, he was perfectly content to allow Remus to take over when he found it necessary.

He stared down at the faint lines that decorated his arms, criss- crossing in a mesmerizing pattern over soft flesh. The wounds were already nearly healed--an amazing prospect considering that no magic had been used as of yet on the injuries. The smooth perfection of the chest he so prided himself on, even now, had been marred as well, a cruel, jagged line of puckered flesh running down his left pectoral.

In his youth, Sirius had been quite the peacock--enjoying the looks and comments he'd received from his fellow classmates. Time had changed many things, and he was no longer the cocky, slightly arrogant, handsome young man he'd been so long ago. Still, after so much loss from Azkaban, after he'd worked so hard to get his body back into shape, it was quite a blow to witness the disfigurement his first transformation had caused. How many more scars would he incur over the months and years as he transformed? It was painful to think about. He had already acquired so many mental and emotional scars. He didn't think himself ready to deal with this too. Would Remus still find him as attractive? Would he still love to run long, gentle fingers over his no-longer-unblemished flesh?

He shook himself suddenly, forcing back a bittersweet laugh. How ironic it was that he was beginning to think just like Remus had as a young man. _You've loved him no matter what injuries he's acquired. He's beautiful. No scars could possibly deter that._ Of course Remus would feel the same about him.

Straining his muscles, he forced himself forward on his belly, pausing only once he was at Remus' side. His lover was still unconscious, brow furrowed in his sleep. Was he dreaming? Sirius could remember no nightmares from the night before, only a nagging dread that continued to sit in the pit of his stomach. It truly was frightening not knowing with clarity where exactly he'd wandered the night before or what he'd done. Even those few times in his youth when he'd been truly drunk, he hadn't experienced this feeling of blankness and severed memory. There was blood on both himself and Remus, but it appeared as though it was their own, dried up around freshly healed wounds. His breath shook as he let out a sigh of relief, resolving himself to chain up the door next month in order to assure that neither of them escaped into the unprotected night.

Carefully, he pushed himself up on shaky legs, moaning at the tendrils of pain that snaked up his calves and thighs. He understood now why Remus was always so tired and worn and sore the days following the full moon. His limbs felt like lead weights hanging off of a slumping, weak frame. His eyes struggled to close. All he wanted to do was allow himself to drop to the ground and sleep. But he couldn't. He had to get himself and Remus back to the house.

He ignored his body's sharp protests and stooped down, shaking Remus gently by the shoulder. "Moony..." he whispered. "Wake up..." But the man only groaned softly and continued to sleep. After several more attempts, Sirius finally gave up and slumped down next to his lover, laying his head against his chest and wrapping his arms around him protectively. Before he could fight it, waves of peaceful sleep overtook him again, and he found himself floating away from consciousness.

He woke up to warmth and softness, a gentle breeze playing through his hair from the open window. He blinked and sat up, unable to stifle a groan as fire burned a path through his chest and back. He was in his own bed, tucked securely under the covers. But how had he gotten here? A quick glance outside told him that it was nearly dusk. Had he slept all day?

"Ahh...you're finally awake, I see", a gentle, husky voice said from behind him. He whirled around as fast as his rigid limbs would allow, to find Remus standing in the doorway, pale and drawn, a thin robe hanging loosely from his shoulders. A tired smile lit up his face beneath a thatch of messy golden hair. Sirius thought he'd never seen such a fetching site.

"What time is it?" His voice sounded scratchy and foreign to his own ears.

"Six o'clock."

"Oh god..." Sirius gazed at him apologetically. "I'm so sorry, Moony. I can't believe I slept for so long! I should have been there for you. I--"

"Shhh..." Remus never ceased to be amazed at the level of caring and self sacrifice Sirius demonstrated toward him. "It's alright, Sirius. I'm fine. This was your first transformation. It took quite a lot out of you. Besides..." he glanced down to examine his hands for a moment before meeting Sirius' eyes. "You've taken such good care of me for so long. It's about time I return that favor." _Especially since it's my fault..._

"Oh, Remus, I...wait--you didn't--how did I get here?"

There was a slight tugging at the corners of Remus' mouth as he gazed kindly upon the man he loved. "I carried you."

"Remus!" Sirius was outraged. "You shouldn't be doing that in your condition!"

"I **wanted** to, Sirius," he responded with conviction. "Besides, you were in no state to walk here yourself."

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat, tears stinging his eyes and threatening to flow. He hated this curse, but Remus was doing all he could to care for him and make this transition less traumatic. It pained him that he couldn't be there for his lover like he used to be, that now **he** was the one who needed the protecting. Still, it was touching to witness the depths that Remus would go to--ignoring his own pain and weakness to assure that Sirius was safe and comfortable.

He tried to stand, to go to his lover, but as he pushed against the mattress with his hands, intense pain shot through his spine, causing him to cry out and fall back onto the bed.

"Sirius..." Remus' concerned voice sounded next to him, and he opened his eyes, wondering at the quickness of his mate's movement. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching him warily, warm hands gently stroking his bare flesh.

Remus bit his lip as he noticed the angry scar that had marred the otherwise perfect body. It pained him deeply to know that the blemish was his fault. How many more scars would he incur? How much pain would he be forced to endure? His sight traveled up to the faint marking on his throat. He could make out his own tooth imprints in the skin, and he shuddered, looking quickly away.

"Remus...?"

"Sirius..." he cleared his throat, steeling himself. "Roll over."

"What? Remus, I--"

"Please, Sirius."

He did as requested, with a little help from Remus. The golden eyed man took Sirius by the hands and lifted them gently, guiding them to rest above his head.

"Remus, what are you--"

Tender hands ran affectionately over the smooth, unmarred flesh of his tanned back, and he let out a small moan.

Lovingly, Remus began to knead the trembling muscles, soothing them slowly and expertly into relaxation.

"God, Remus...this is...uhhnn...this is nice...but...I'm supposed to be taking care of **you**..."

"Sirius," Remus insisted, "It's my turn to look after you now."

"But Remus--"

"It's important to me. **Please**."

Unable to express his gratitude, Sirius simply nodded, then buried his face into his pillow.

Several moments passed as skilled hands massaged and caressed, and Sirius felt himself drifting off towards sleep again. His body was relaxed and sated for the first time since the moon had risen, and he decided he would be content to lay there for eternity as long as Remus didn't stop touching him.

Finally though, the hands retracted, and Sirius let out a faint whimper at the loss.

"It's nearly dinner time", Remus said softly. "Are you hungry?"

For the first time, Sirius realized that he was. "Famished."

"Come on then, let's eat." Remus rose from the bed, and although he tried to conceal it, Sirius could tell that he was having difficulty moving as well. He held out a hand to Sirius--which he reluctantly took--and helped him to rise, gripping onto the headboard for support.

"Look at us," Sirius joked quietly. "We're like two old decrepit men and we aren't even forty yet."

Remus' face grew somber, eyes filling with tears. "I'm sorry, Sirius," he choked. "I'm so, so sorry..." 

"No. Remus..." Sirius gripped his arms, pulling him close and forcing the other man to look at him. "Don't say that, Remus. This is **not** your fault. Do you hear me?"

Remus nodded, though he couldn't bring himself to agree with those words.

"Now...what's for dinner...?"

Later that night, after a delicious stew, Sirius sat, satiated but sore, in an oversized chair in Remus' study, pouring over the contents of a dusty old book. He blew the layer of grime from the leather bound cover, and ran his fingers fondly over the faded gold lettering--"Hairy Snout, Human Heart". He smiled sadly, remembering happier times--days when his soul was free, unmarked by the scars of war or tyranny, of pain and regret and mindless sorrow. He remembered what it was like to be human--without the soul of something dark and dangerous writhing within.

As the days passed, he found that these memories affected him less and less, though the sorrow would never truly leave him. Past pain was but a grain of sand compared to the vast world of newfound hope and love and acceptance that he'd discovered once again with Remus. It meant everything that his lover was with him once more, and he knew in his heart that he would go through a thousand transformations, twelve more years in Azkaban, just to be with him.

He remembered Hogwarts, days of pranking and hiding and laughing in the corridors. He remembered sneaking off for snog sessions, soaring high in the air on his broom as he attempted to chase the too-quick James Potter. He remembered the laughing face of the bespectacled boy that he'd loved like a brother, the tormented body of his amber- eyed lover on the mornings after the full moon. He even remembered Peter--back in the days when innocence was not lost, when four carefree boys had embraced one another in the chill of their dorm room, professing their undying friendship and devotion.

Wiping tears quickly from his eyes (he didn't want Remus to worry), he opened the tome, smiling down at the opening passage.

_"For centuries, it has been thought that the werewolf is a dark creature, lurking in shadow as it waits for unsuspecting prey. It is said that the lycanthrope has been stripped of all humanity, that his spirit and in fact, his very soul have been tainted with evil and darkness. However, concrete evidence has proven these theories false. The following pages contain factual evidence that serves to banish some of these rumors and shed new light on those who are cursed by the moon's deadly kiss._

The occurences and observations inscribed herein were relayed from the personal experience of a genuine man with the curse and are based entirely on actual events. Come take a journey in the life of one misunderstood werewolf, and learn about the real character, lifestyle and struggles of the modern day lycanthrope."

Sirius couldn't help but grin as he read over the familiar passage. How long had it been--twenty years--since he'd written this? He remembered the shocked look of gratitude and disbelief on Remus' face when he'd opened it as a Christmas gift in their seventh year at Hogwarts. Remus had been truly struck speechless--not that that was an amazing feat in itself really, for Remus was often times silent. But it had been that look in his eyes--that unspeakable, inexpressible appreciation and amazement and love that had truly spoken to Sirius.

For years, he'd been extremely angry at how horribly the world treated and viewed creatures of the curse. Remus couldn't help what he'd become, any more than Sirius could help that he'd been born with grey eyes or black hair. And Remus was good. He was so genuine and understanding and caring. He was the best person Sirius had ever known. He deserved all of the finest in the world--not to be branded or locked up in a cage or scoffed at, or worst yet, sent to Azkaban for merely existing.

He'd heard of cases where Ministry officials had done just that. There'd been a murder or an injury, and they'd instantly blamed a werewolf in the nearby vicinity. There was no trial, they were simply thrown into the prison, much like he had been for the death of the Potters. He could certainly relate to the unfairness of such treatment.

Sirius had devoted much of his youth to the study of lycanthropy, searching urgently for a cure for the boy he loved so desperately, attempting to understand the curse that plagued his friend, learning about the animagus potions and the relationships between animals and the predator wolf. Too many texts had disparaged the werewolf, turning him into a cunning creature of darkness who would stop at nothing to rid the world of humanity. It simply wasn't like that.

So, in a fit of rage one afternoon, he'd decided to write a book of his own, contradicting all of the claptrap these so called "experts" had written. For he knew a real live werewolf--one he could safely call "friend", and those authors had gotten it all wrong. With a little aid from James and Peter, Sirius spent three painstaking years researching and recalling all he could about the true effects of lycanthropy. He was determined to show the world all that Remus Lupin had to offer.

He'd left his penname anonymous, knowing that it was wise to conceal his identity from the rest of the world, should officials come searching for him or his friend. He wrote it in the first person so that it might be a more convincing depiction of werewolf life. He never spoke of it to Remus, not knowing how he'd truly react to such a feat, and also hoping to surprise him on Christmas morning. He had succeeded spectacularly.

He remembered the words he'd written on the following pages--almost every single one of them. They came back to him as he skimmed through the book, scanning little snippets of his own thoughts and feelings about the werewolf he so loved. It was like a living diary of everything they'd been through together as they'd grown up, and now that he had it back in his hands once again, he knew that he would always cherish it.

_"The pain of transformation is very acute. It isn't quick or effortless as it is depicted in so many muggle movies. Bones crack, skin is broken, and the agony experienced under the full moon is probably the most powerful on earth..."_

Sirius could definitely identify with that now. It was a wonder to him that he could have known this so long ago, when he'd never truly experienced it for himself. Then again, he _had_ witnessed Remus' transformations a few times. It had taken years before the boy had been comfortable enough to allow Sirius to watch, but eventually he had relented.

It was very painful to witness this mutilation of his lover's body, and so Sirius had more often chosen to stay away until the transformation was complete. Still, he wanted to be there for Remus, so he would force himself to keep watch from time to time. He remembered how scared for Remus he'd been the first time, how utterly heartbroken. He realized that Remus must have felt the same way for him last night. He'd seen that sorrow and worry in those golden eyes.

He continued to read, flipping through the pages until all light outside faded and the waning moon rose high into the sky. His skin itched and prickled from its pull, but he had no worries of transforming this night. He fell asleep with the book in his lap and stayed there until near dawn, when Remus finally set aside his study materials and carried him up to bed.

~~+~~

The candlelight flickered, the small yellow flame reflecting in the smooth, polished old wood of the desk. Sighing, Remus slipped off his reading spectacles and rubbed at his sore eyes.

Hours...he had sat here for hours, his eyes poring over the books, his mind feverishly whirling through the theories and possibilities...and still...nothing. Well...there was one possiblity, one cure...but it was one he would need help with and one that he felt certain Sirius would not like. The certainty of that knowledge made him want to weep, except he was too tired, entirely too soul weary to weep.

"You alright, love?"

Sirius. And still, despite it all, despite the horrors of the transformation and the surely agonizing irritation of living with an angsty, guilt-ridden, fretting lover, Sirius still managed to worry more about Remus than himself.

"Yes...yes, I'm fine. Just a little tired," Remus murmured, offering a wan smile in return.

Sirius nodded. "It's raining, Moony. Have you noticed? You commented yesterday about the roses dying for lack of rain..." His voice faded, both men looking at each other across the chasm of the dim study. Words seemed so frail for the emotions which racked at them, tearing inside them. Still, they resorted to the comfort of simple words, unassuming phrases, small talk to fill the pregnant silence, anything to satisfy the void.

Remus turned and gazed out at the grey evening, the rain weeping from the cloud-covered skies. "I hadn't noticed," he answered, voice soft almost a whisper, "Ahhh, so it is. Good. We need the rain."

He stared out over the damp grass, the soaking rosebushes, the small blooms trembling under the rain trickle, and he sighed again, wanting...again...to say something vital, something... some words, a spell perhaps--a fervent spell to wipe clean the bloody slate of he and Sirius' life. He wanted to start all over again, to stand in that rain and let it wash the pain and guilt and curse from his soul. He wanted to strip Sirius, to bare his lean, glorious flesh to the cleansing tears of heaven, to show whatever compassionate deity might be watching that his lover deserved pity, deserved to be cleansed, deserved to be cured of the curse he had bestowed on him in a regretful flash of teeth one dark night...to bare Sirius to the cold eye of heaven and prove to that unblinking eye that Sirius was good, strong, beautiful and worthy... so worthy of saving...

A warm hand fell heavy on his shoulder and he lifted his own hand up, covering the other, fingers sliding comfortingly under the warm palm and he thought his heart would shiver and break as he felt Sirius' thumb slide up, stroking along his hand gently.

The words he had read tonight in one of his ancient tomes haunted him more than any other. The truth ravaged him and he felt a sob rising in his throat. He tried in vain to suppress it, his throat closing and choking as he fell forward, burying his face in his hands.

"Remus!" Sirius knelt beside his trembling lover, wrapping his arms around the shaking shoulders. "What is it?"

Remus shuddered involuntarily as he felt the strong arms enclose him-- a comfort he--a damned creature--did not deserve. For that was what he had learned, though he had suspected the truth when he felt his very soul shatter with the closing of his jaws against Sirius' neck. The werewolf which tastes human blood is damned for all eternity...

He moaned and struggled free from Sirius, eyes streaming now, as he stumbled up from the desk, lurching to the door.

"Where are you going?" Sirius' voice rose in frustration and worry as he watched Remus hurtle past him and down the hall. He hurried to follow him in time to see his lover throw open the door, rushing out into the rain-soaked garden.

Sirius stopped for a moment, staring at Remus as he stood in the cool downpour, his tawny hair slick with rain and streaming down his neck as he leaned his head back, fists clenched, body rigid as he howled at the angry sky.

Remus did not see Sirius as he stood watching him from under the eaves, he did not see the silver worry beaming from the widened eyes, the set of the jaw, and the shaking hands which reached out as if to enfold Remus, to hold him, but stopped...afraid to do so at the howling of the bitter wolf that cried in agony to the hidden moon that pulsed somewhere behind those stormy clouds. The wolf in Sirius backed down, cowering at the sound of that fury and despair that surged through the howl of his lover. He whimpered softly, suddenly reminded that he was the younger wolf, the more naïve and ultimately more innocent of the two. He needed the strength and comfort of Remus, his lover, wolf-sire and, despite his attempts at dominance sexually and otherwise lately...his Alpha...

Remus opened his throat and lungs, crying his anguish, letting the wet lash of the rain soak him to the core, wanting to wash the sin from himself...but knowing that could not be done, he simply howled in defeat.

He howled and raged until his voice broke, until he was sobbing, until he fell to his knees, ripping at the grass in frustration, blind to the beauty of the gleaming emerald stalks, the beaded blossoms of the roses and the rain which lessened its silvery torrent, the clouds beginning to scatter as a smattering of stars flickered luminous in the velvet sky.

Sirius, though still shaken, slowly made his way to Remus' side. He knelt down in the wet grass beside him and pulled the sodden, lean form into his arms.

"No, Sirius... I'm soaking. I'm dirty...filthy..." Remus rasped, clutching at Sirius with muddy hands as he struggled to pull back.

"Remus, listen to me, please," Sirius begged, holding unto Remus tightly, muffling his voice against the sodden hair, "I can't take it when you're like this, Moony. It...it kills me. What happened tonight? Did...did you find out something in your books?"

Remus chuckled bitterly. He nodded against Sirius. "Oh yes, I did, Siri, I certainly did."

"What?" Sirius asked, voice hesitant, afraid to know but needing to hear the truth. "There is no cure, right?"

Remus pulled back, his face calm and reposed again. "I...I don't know about that yet, Sirius. I read something in one of the texts that might prove very beneficial, but...I really don't know. Lycanthropy is a dark curse, Sirius. I...I need the assistance of someone very familiar with dark magic..."

"But Moony you are the most knowledgeable wizard I know when it comes to the dark arts. I doubt even Dumbledore knows more than you do about the dark arts..."

Remus smiled. "You flatter me, love. But...well, you're right in one respect, powerful as Dumbledore is, he rather tends to avoid dark magic as much as possible. I may, very feasibly, know more of that than he does...but there is someone who knows as much, if not more, than I do..."

"Who?"

"Severus."

"Snape?! Oh...cor, Remus! Not bloody Snape! Surely you've had your fill of dealing with him! What the hell does he know that you do not?"

"He **was** a Death Eater, Sirius. He was privy to some of that knowledge that...errrmm...well, that the rest of us were not. He knows things that you and I do not. "

"Things we bloody ought not to know, Remy! There's a reason for that. You don't...You shouldn't mess with that evil stuff..."

"Sirius...we both are unwilling parts of that 'evil stuff' now, like it or no." Remus whispered, hating the sound of the bitter words as they left his tongue.

"No...not really, Remus. We're cursed. It wasn't our fault--how can that be evil?"

Remus shook his head sadly. "You're partially right, Sirius. Your soul is clear. It is **not** your fault that you are now like me..."

"Don't start that shite again, Remus. You promised me we would broach no more discussion of faults. We're both equally at fault here, or conversely, neither of us is guilty of this cruel joke played by nature on us. We're the victims."

"That's not what I meant..." Remus murmured softly, as Sirius enclosed him tighter in his arms. He closed his eyes, leaning his head against Sirius' damp robes, breathing in the smell of his mate, comforted by it.

"What did you mean then?" Sirius whispered, threading long fingers through Remus' wet hair.

Remus sighed against him. He knew he could not tell Sirius the truth--it would devastate him to know the price of the possible cure that hovered at the edge of hope and...it would devastate Sirius to know that Remus' soul was in eternal peril now. But...there **was** some measure of comfort to Remus however...

He pulled back and gripped Sirius' arms hard, pulling his gaze to his own burning gold eyes. "Sirius, swear to me that you will never take human life--that you'll never slake your wolf thirst with human blood. That you'll never bite a human, ever, other than myself. Swear that to me, Sirius!"

So long as Sirius refrained from ever tasting human blood, his soul, at least was safe and untainted.

The diamond-bright silver eyes gazed back at Remus steadily. "I swear, Remus...please...though...tell me. Is it that if I bite someone then I am a werewolf forever and there is no cure?"

Remus shook his head sadly. "No, that's not it, Sirius. It's just... well, it's important to me. If you love me, you'll do this for me."

"Emotional blackmail--not your style, Remus," Sirius laughed, "But... okay, I'll promise. I told you...I swear..."

Remus nodded, satisfied.


	6. 5

Pearly dawn light slipped soft into the bedroom, flowing across the still form that lay quiet and sleeping on the bed, tangled in the musky nest of sheets. Beside the bed, Remus stood quiet and pensive holding a cup of tea in one hand as he gazed at his slumbering lover. He reached down and gently stroked the dark, silken strands of Sirius' hair that spilled across the pillow, smiling at the softness of that ebony silk. "Love you," he whispered, his voice soft, the barest murmur on the still air.

He then closed his eyes and sighed, lifting his tea to his lips. He frowned. Cold... he had let his tea grow cold as he stood vigil beside the peaceful bed for how long now? An hour at least. All for the sake of trying to work up the initiative to take his leave from this bedroom haven where his mate slept warm and smelling sweetly of musk and spice. It took every ounce of his willpower to remain standing beside the bed, trying to steel himself for departure, instead of crawling back into that heavenly sensual warmth beside Sirius.

He hated to leave Sirius, even though it would only be a temporary separation. Still, short trip or no... leaving bothered Remus. Sirius had adjusted far better to the lycanthropy than he would have suspected, but even so... Sirius was in a more fragile emotional state than was his wont. Remus gazed skeptically down at the hastily-scrawled letter he had written Sirius explaining his absence:

_Padfoot,_

I know how you hate waking up alone, Love. I'm sorry. Believe me, I would heartily prefer to be slumbering at your side than off on this necessary but rather dreaded trip. I have, of course, gone to Hogwarts. I need to speak with Dumbledore and Snape about... well, I think you know. Shan't be gone long - two days at most. I am taking your Order papers with me so you will not have to worry about getting them to Dumbledore later.

There are fresh eggs in the cooling larder, hot scones warming in the oven and your horrid black coffee keeping in the Muggle pot. I've also put on a roast with a warming spell that should keep it safely edible while I am gone. I know you are not overly fond of leftovers, Love, but I'm rather hoping you will make an exception in this case.

Well, I think that about covers it. Please don't worry and don't bother following me - I shan't be away long enough for you to hardly bother noticing that I'm gone. I shall see you in a few short days (though they will feel hopelessly long to me). I love you.

Until then, Moony 

He sighed again, shaking his slightly shaggy head and set down his tea cup atop the parchment. Then, a better idea came to him and he smiled and slipped out his wand.

"Accio coffee pot and mug."

Within moments the plastic-topped coffee pot and the large ceramic mug that Sirius loved zoomed into his waiting hands. He scrambled to catch them, taking care to not spill. He poured a cup of the hot aromatic beverage into the mug and gingerly set it down atop the parchment. Then... he paused and withdrew his wand again.

"Accio plate and scone."

He smiled as the scone, nicely situated on the small plate, zoomed into the room. This too he quietly laid down beside the parchment.

Sirius stirred slightly and Remus' eyes widened as he pulled his well-worn, lovingly-tattered traveling robes tighter about him. It was time to take his leave before **sleeping beauty** awakened.

He so wanted to drop a kiss on that drowsy cheek but he was afraid it would awaken his lover so instead Remus just smiled and leaned down, brushing his lips slowly over a few of the dark strands of hair strewn across the pillow, nuzzling for a moment into the comforting scent before rising up again.

He smiled once more down at his lover before finally stepping from the room, taking the coffee pot and unused coffee with him. He replaced the pot in the kitchen, checked one last time on the roast, and scones and finally retrieved his battered, old suitcase, making certain for the fourth time that morning that he had managed to pack an extra set of robes and shirt and trousers, underclothes, razor, toothbrush and paste, and, most importantly, his numerous notes, quills and the texts he wanted to discuss with Dumbledore and Snape. Once he was satisfied that all necessary items were securely packed, he closed the case and sighing held it in his left hand while he lofted his wand with the right, preparing to apparate first to Hogsmeade where he was scheduled to meet with Dumbledore at the Three Broomsticks.

~~+~~

He apparated just outside the village. It was still early and no one it seemed was stirring about yet. Oh well, he would wander about the town until the pub opened. He hefted his case again, pocketed his wand, and strode into the sleeping village, his boots making a soft clip-clop on the cobblestones -- a sound that pleased him. He remembered a similar sound, a sound from adolescence - the large, padded, canine feet of a huge black, silken-coated dog clicking with a soft tick-tack across the cobblestones, matching the booted paces of a young, tawny-headed, wide-eyed boy, a blue-eyed boy with wildly mussed black hair and a pudgy boy with pale hair and watery eyes, as the four strolled through the village eager for mischief, butterbeers, candy, Filibuster fireworks, and ... for two of their number anyway... stolen kisses in the stable just outside the village.

He smiled at that memory too - the morning light beaming back at him, so similar to the golden light that had spilled through the stable slats that long-ago afternoon where he and Sirius lay nestled on a scratchy, fragrant bed of hay, giggling and kissing, murmuring softly, laughing at each other's only mildly-amusing jokes as a haughty, disinterested hippogriff looked on, munching contentedly, fierce eyes closing as he ignored the laughing, cozily-entwined, affectionate boys who sprawled happily tumbled like puppies together in his wooden abode. Thinking back on those lazy afternoons, how Remus still yearned for the golden innocence of his youth.

He sighed softly and breathed in the crisp fresh air of morning, his eyes casting over the sleepy village. As he reached the Three Broomsticks, a dozing cat stirred, opened it's green slitted eyes to regard Remus and then hissed softly, its back bowing and its tail puffing out in a stiff bottlebrush before it then turned and fled around the corner. Remus rolled his eyes, shaking his head and sat down on the wooden bench just outside the pub to wait for Dumbledore.

Yawning, he pulled his case into his lap and pulled out one of the texts, thinking he might as well indulge in a little more research as he waited.

~~+~~

Albus Dumbledore smiled as he walked in slow, graceful measured steps into the quiet village, his long robes whispering across the cobblestones as he approached the pub where his former student, and more recently, one of his Hogwarts professors, waited for him. He smiled to himself as he mused on the benevolent werewolf.

Remus Lupin had always been of unique concern to the elderly wizard. True, he tried to take a special interest in many of the school's promising students, but this one... this particular young man was especially intriguing. Remus was, beyond doubt, among the most talented, wisest, and certainly most unique wizards turned out by Hogwarts. He was also undeniably strong -- enduring far more hardship, pain and suffering than any young man should have to endure. But, somehow, he managed to rise above it all -- never letting that slim back stoop under the pressures and problems heaped upon him.

When Remus had first come to Hogwarts he had been painfully timid. Albus smiled at the memory of the young, slender, sandy-headed boy who had somehow managed to slip into the Restricted Section of the Hogwarts library by the third day of classes. As he recalled, Remus' dormmates had been so impressed with the youngster's intrepid stealth that they had immediately befriended the shy boy and made him a member of their little brash jolly prankster gang.

And what a gang those Marauders were -- prowling about the darkened midnight hallways, thinking they were undetected as they slipped about on kitchen raids and infesting the Slytherin showers with flobberworms. Albus chuckled to think of it -- that little gang had given the school quite a lively little jolt of energy during those years -- a tradition now being heartily embraced by the Weasley twins and even, to some extent by, appropriately enough, Harry Potter -- son of James Potter, leader of the Marauders -- and Harry's friends high-spirited Ron Weasley and ever-practical and clever Hermione Granger.

So much had changed since the years when the original prankster gang roamed the hallways of Hogwarts. Now, James Potter (and his lovely wife Lily) lay cold and buried in the ground, Peter Pettigrew had finally been apprehended and tried for his crimes and now languished in Azkaban, and... the other two, Remus and Sirius, eked out a living together, living on the fringes of society -- the only way they truly could be together -- an ex-convict and a stigmatized werewolf.

Sighing, the snowy-bearded wizard, shook his head sadly as he thought on the life that the two younger wizards should be enjoying -- the one they were denied. But, at least they did have the comfort of their bond -- the love which held them together and their shared past and shared grief -- to sustain them.

He remembered Sirius' shock when he had come to speak with Dumbledore just before he had sent him to stay with Remus the year before. The young man had stammered and blushed, hiding his eyes under a curtain of black hair like an adolescent as he confessed his feelings for his old friend ran deeper than friendship. Albus had chuckled at that and told Sirius that he had been aware of the boys' relationship since their school days.

Oh yes, he knew it the first time he saw the agony in those silver eyes beaming with concern, shadowed with worry and anger about the monthly torment Remus was subjected to. He remembered the many mornings he had found the tall, ebony-haired teen with his head buried in his arms atop Remus' infirmary bed as the sandy-haired youth slept fitfully, one small, pale hand tangled in the other boy's dark hair.

He was made aware of their affection every time he saw the scholarly Remus put aside his studies to attend James' and Sirius' Quidditch matches, his large amber eyes wide with worry as Sirius dipped and rolled in the air in a bit of show-off arial gymnastics surely meant to impress his tawny-headed friend.

And, it was obvious in the way the two walked side by side to classes, their hands brushing casually, their gazes flicking to the other's. Remus Lupin and Sirius Black had been in love for more than 20 years -- longer than many marriages. It saddened the elderly wizard to think of the cruel lonely years they had been forced to live apart.

As he rounded the bend, lost in his thoughts, he almost didn't notice the young man who sat quiet and studious on the bench before the Three Broomsticks, his gaze flickering over the heavy tome which rested in his lap.

Albus paused to take in the sight of Remus. He looked as if he had gained a bit more weight since his year of teaching at Hogwarts -- a very good sign -- his hair was thicker and more lustrous, shining golden-brown with silvery streaks in the morning light, but,... his eyes behind the reading spectacles, were shadowed with worry and his face bore fresh lines.

As if sensing the silent perusal, Remus looked up and he smiled warmly at Albus as he slipped his book back down into his case and stood up quickly to greet the elder wizard.

"Headmaster, it's good to see you again. Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with me," he smiled as he strode forward and clasped Albus' upper arm with a warm, firm hand.

Albus returned the smile warmly and in turn grasped Remus' slim shoulder. "Ahhh, Remus. It does my old heart good to see you again, lad. I am very happy to meet with you, especially as it gives me a lovely excuse to partake of dear Madam Rosmerta's lovely breakfasts which I have not indulged in for several months now."

Remus smiled, his shoulders relaxing at Dumbledore's calming, benevolent presence. "I wish I could say that my visit was for pleasant reasons, headmaster.... but... I'm rather afraid that I need to speak with you on matters of some urgency."

"Of course, Remus, of course. That is perfectly fine. I appreciate that you still feel comfortable confiding in me as you were wont to do all those many years ago. Rather makes me feel useful again," he winked, blue eyes twinkling behind his familiar half-moon spectacles.

He then turned. "Ahh, I see we have arrived before our good lady... well, I am fairly certain she would not mind if we made ourselves at home in her absence. Shall we go in?"

Remus nodded urgently and bent to pick up his case, following Dumbledore into the currently silent, darkened pub.

~~+~~

Remus felt his heart thumping madly in his breast -- the staccato rhythm so loud that he was certain Dumbledore must hear it also, but the old wizard seemed not to notice. He simply stirred his tea and smiled at Remus over it, the smoke rising and curling lazily before his periwinkle eyes.

Remus bit his lip and smiled sheepishly, face flushing at the thought of what he must now confess to Dumbledore. He gazed down into the amber liquid in his own cup and spoke in a soft, halting murmur.

"Headmaster... I have something horrible to confess. Something... terrible.... has been.." He stopped and swallowed and looked up into the fathomless eyes.

Dumbledore smiled reassuringly and reached forward, covering Remus' trembling hand with his own dry, soft hand.

At the silent urging to continue, Remus nodded and closed his eyes, composing his thoughts before continuing.

"I have committed the act which I have for so long fought and denied... that which horrifies me most..." he faltered, his voice breaking a bit. After pausing a moment, he continued, ducking his head so that the heavy fringe fell forward, obscuring his shameful eyes from the piercing gaze before him. "I have... I have made another like myself."

Still Dumbledore held his hand. He squeezed it gently as Remus gasped, his throat tightening as he admitted aloud for the first time the heinous act he had committed on another human being -- that human being the one person he loved most in all the world.

"It's ... Sirius, headmaster. I... I wolf-sired Sirius. I turned him into a creature such as myself. Oh Sweet Merlin, headmaster... I did it! I've cursed him.... I have committed the worst possible sin against him ... and I ... don't really know what to do now. How to proceed... how to... stop... oh Sir, I'm desperate for a cure for him!"

Albus felt his old heart catch and tremble a bit at the words that tumbled frantically from the younger wizard's lips. He saw the shame -- utter shame and guilt-- beaming from those partially concealed amber eyes. He heard the angst and sorrow and desperation that echoed shrilly in the rasping voice. And... he almost heard the frenetic thumping of a wild heart that seemed to be surely breaking.

He exhaled slowly and squeezed Remus' trembling hand again. "Remus... please do not beat yourself up about this. I know you, lad. I know you would never do this maliciously -- there is not a cruel bone in your body.."

"But the wolf," Remus rasped, eyes flashing feral for a second in the dim light. "The wolf is cruel, headmaster! The wolf wants what it wants -- no matter the cost in souls..."

Ahh... and there it was... another proverbial fly in the ointment. What of Remus' immortal soul now? Albus was aware, of course, of what happened when a werewolf sired another. The Alpha werewolf's soul was in dire peril -- damned for eternity.

Well... one problem at a time. First, he had to calm the frantic young man before him.

"Remus, listen to me. I'm certain it was an accident, was it not?"

Remus frowned hesitantly, his face flushing crimson, as he stuttered, "Yes... well... somewhat. You see... Sirius and I... we...things got rather more... heated than we expected and... Blazes, this is humiliating. Forgive me..."

Dumbledore couldn't repress the smile that tickled at the corner of his mouth. "Remus, you and Sirius would not be the first couple to ... shall we say, suffer the brunt of rather more exuberant activities, if you take my meaning."

Remus flushed again hotly and he gazed down hard at his tea as if trying to see the table through the amber liquid and the porcelain cup that held it.

"Well," Dumbledore cleared his throat, "It appears to me that this is a situation which fairly begs for a resolution, does it not? I suggest that you accompany me back to the school and we'll see if we can start working toward trying to find some solution."

Remus finally looked up again. "Yes. I've been researching quite a bit lately and I have found some rather interesting information and old legends which might prove promising. I was hoping I could solicit your help and Professor Snape's as well."

"Of course," Dumbledore nodded.

Remus nodded and smiled. "Thank you, sir. There is... well, there is one other matter, regarding a possible cure, that I do need to address with you also."

"Yes. Go on, lad."

Remus inhaled, closing his eyes and then opened them again, exhaling loudly, cheeks puffing out before he finally leaned forward and murmured, "If the Alpha werewolf is killed the curse is ended and the sired wolves will revert back to their normal human state."

Albus was, only for the third time in his long life, stunned. Finally he managed to catch breath to answer. "Surely, Remus, you do not mean to take your own life? I do know enough of Sirius Black and the relationship between the two of you to know that he would assuredly prefer to live out his life as a werewolf than to live it as a human being, but forever separated from the one true love of his life. Love is a force greater than pain, greater than death, greater than all. You can not hope to compensate for pain or a curse by savaging love. Trust me on this, Remus."

Remus moaned softly, hearing the bitter sting of truth in Dumbledore's soft voice. "I know that, headmaster. But,... what else can I do? I can't ... I can't allow him to suffer under this curse..."

"Remus, think on this then: Do you desire this to end his suffering or to end your own shame and guilt? I do not say this to be cruel. I just want you to truly think about what you are proposing to do, Remus."

Remus gasped softly and he searched his own heart, seeking the truth there. He was jolted to recognize that the truth lay in equal parts of his desire to help Sirius and his own desire to absolve his guilt.

He hung his head again, tears welling up hot and bitter in his eyes.

He felt the dry, warm hands then lifting his face up to gaze into the wise, bearded face before him. "No, Remus. Do not give up. I have heard tales of... of such lycanthropic matters myself. I think it is very wise of you that you seek to consult Severus, as well as myself, on these matters. I think there might be a way to end the curse of Sirius, and... also preserve that good, strong soul of yours."

Remus gasped. Dumbledore knew of his damned soul also. But... of course he would, the man had always seemed preternaturally aware and wise.

"How?" he managed to rasp, hope flaring hot in his breast.

Dumbledore smiled. "Well, quite frankly, I do not know the exact mechanics and methods of such myself, but I do believe Severus will be of utmost assistance in this matter."

Remus smiled, his face beaming bright, cheeks glistening with the shiny tracks of tears. His throat was tight but he nodded and reached up to clasp the elderly hand that held his cheek still. "Thank you... thank you so much..."

~~+~~

Sirius awoke to sunlight streaming through the open window. He smiled contentedly, stretching and rolling over to wrap his arms around the warm, soothing body of his love. His contented sigh was broken as his hands connected with nothing, falling softly onto a rapidly cooling mattress. His eyes shot open and he sat bolt upright, gaze darting from the empty bed to the window to the door with alarm.

He wasn't entirely sure why he was so panicked. It was rare, yes, for Remus to rise before him, even though most mornings he awoke earlier than Sirius -- but Sirius **had** woken up alone before. It was usually on the mornings leading up to the full moon when Remus became entirely too restless to wait in bed as Sirius slept. He would rise carefully and quietly and make his way down to the kitchen to cook breakfast. On those special mornings, Sirius would awake to the glorious aroma of bacon and eggs, and was usually rewarded moments later by a tray and an amorous lover in his lap. Sirius had to admit that there **were** certain advantages to having a werewolf for a mate.

But the moon was far from full, and something felt different about this particular morning--he could detect it in the air. He wasn't certain if it was a result of his newly heightened lycanthropic senses, or just instinct, but he knew something was off.

As he pulled himself out of bed, the distinct, hearty aroma of coffee reached the canine side of his smell receptors, and for a fleeting moment, he thought that perhaps he'd been wrong--that Remus was indeed right outside the room, holding a steaming mug of his favorite morning beverage. But as he continued to gaze around, bleary eyed, he eventually spotted the source of the odor.

On the dresser sat a coffee cup, and next to it a plate complete with scone. Sirius eyed them warily before approaching, as if acknowledging their presence would be accepting an unknown truth he was afraid to face.

Deep down he knew that Remus hadn't left him. Remus loved him. And after such a long time apart, there was no way that either of them could ever stand to separate themselves from one another again. They'd worked far too hard for this reunion and they meant far too much to one another. So why then were the long, icy fingers of dread crawling through his chest and up his throat, making it difficult to breathe?

He lifted the mug and raised it to his lips. It was still warm. A note rested beneath it and he picked it up, recognizing instantly Remus' tidy scrawl. It was a farewell note, but as Sirius read it, his heart and mind relaxed just a bit. He would be returning in a couple of days, and Sirius realized that by the temperature of his breakfast, he couldn't have gotten very far just yet.

The note told him that Remus had gone to Hogwarts to talk with Snape and Dumbledore. He despised the idea of Remus going there alone to converse with his long-standing enemy, but he was hopeful that his former headmaster would be able to shed new light on their predicament. Albus was wise, even beyond his years, and he knew if anyone could find an answer, he could.

Still, an idea nagged at him--why had Remus thought it necessary to go alone? He thought back to Moony's breakdown the previous day, how he'd been so tragically heartbroken and desperate. He still wasn't sure exactly what had gotten into his mate, but he was fairly certain that there was something he wasn't telling him--a reason beyond the simple fact that Sirius must now face the horrors of the curse.

Damn it all to hell--he didn't **want** the coffee or the scones or the roast--he wanted to be with Remus, to find out the answers they both sought together.

"Don't bother following him, my ass..." Sirius mumbled under his breath as he carried the warm mug downstairs, leaving the scone long forgotten. There was something his lover wasn't telling him, and he was determined to find out what it was.

~~+~~

Sirius threw the dusty tome across the room, watching with detachment as it hit the wall and fell to the floor with a thud. This was the third book he'd checked and still no concrete answer as to why Remus had been so upset. He racked his brain trying to remember what the book had looked like that Remus had been studying just before his emotional outburst. Red leather cover with gold lettering, wasn't it...? But there was no such book anywhere to be found. Sirius cursed to himself suddenly. He must have taken it with him!

Frustrated, he rose from the moth-eaten chair to gaze out the window at the breezy late morning. The wind outside was strong, yet not overpowering, collecting leaves and bits of gravel and swirling them about over the lush patch of grass behind the cabin. He decided he could use some of that fresh air to help clear his head.

The long strands of his hair whipped in the wind, caressing his face like ribbons of soft silk. He brushed them aside absent-mindedly, gathering the old leather jacket tighter about him as he made his way slowly yet determinedly toward the small storage shack at the end of the garden.

He'd observed the shack before. He'd taken notice of it every time he'd ventured into the garden. Remus had told him that nothing important resided within its gradually decaying walls--that it had been constructed long ago, solely for the purpose of housing him during his transformations. Of course, the very air around the structure was charged with magical wards--for no mere crumbling muggle artifact such as this would have ever been able to withhold a werewolf.

But perhaps Remus had been hiding something. He remembered the vague hint of alarm that lit up in his lover's eyes once when Sirius suggested moving the old stove into the shed temporarily until he could figure out a spell to fix it. Remus had come up with a grand excuse as to why it would be better to simply get rid of the antique and buy a new one. Sirius hadn't thought much of it then, but now in hindsight, he'd begun to grow suspicious. He remembered another time too, when he'd apparated home after a week long visit with Dumbledore on Order business to find Remus hurrying back inside the house, flushed and flustered with a smudge of dirt on his nose. His hair hung in his eyes, matted to a clammy forehead, robes disheveled. Sirius had inquired about his activities and Remus had explained that he'd been working in the garden all morning. However, if Sirius hadn't been mistaken, that wasn't simple potting soil on Remus' face and hands. There was a grit to it, a persistence to its substance that made it very difficult to scrub away.

Sirius reminded himself suddenly that it wouldn't do to doubt Moony. He'd done that once, long ago, and it had only led to pain and misunderstanding and the shattering of twelve long years. No, he trusted his mate, heart and soul, and he would never again go back to that dark place. Still, he **was** curious. Was there some secret element to the curse that Remus hadn't wanted to tell him about? Had he kept the details from him deeming the truth too painful for Sirius? It would be just like his mate to want to protect him that way. He had to smile a bit at the thought of it. It was almost as if the two of them were destined to be at odds, each one regarding himself the protector over the other, determined to keep one another safe no matter the cost.

"Sorry, Moony," he whispered as he drew out his wand, pointing it at the steel bars that obstructed the rotting wooden door. "Alohomora."

There was a soft click and Sirius moved close to the door, pulling on the bars. They did not budge.

"Solvere foris", he tried again. Still, nothing.

Remus had done his homework. It was obvious he didn't want Sirius to find whatever was hiding within those walls. Which was exactly why he had to get that door open.

Determined, Sirius pointed his wand again, and mustering all of his magical strength, he said loudly, "Defensor ripere!"

At first he thought that nothing had happened, but slowly, the barriers began to loosen and pull away from the wood. Sirius returned his wand to his robe, excitement rising in his chest as he watched the obstructions fall to the grass with a clank. This was it--he was about to finally discover what deep dark secret Remus had been concealing all this time -- it was what he'd wanted, and yet, he was slightly apprehensive. What if whatever was behind this door would change things? What if it would cause him to view Remus in a whole new light? What if caused doubt to arise within his heart?

But no. He knew Remus--probably better than he knew his own self, and he knew that whatever Remus was concealing, he had chosen to hide it for good reason. There was nothing his lover did without just cause, and he was certain that Remus would never do anything to purposely hurt him.

Taking a breath, he pushed open the door. He wasn't surprised to find it opened easily, emitting a loud squeak as it revealed the darkness beyond. He began to cough as he stepped forward, waves of dust invading his sensitive nose. There was no light inside the shack, so he removed his wand again saying "lumos", and instantly the room was bathed in a faint bluish glow.

Sirius allowed his eyes a moment to adjust as his gaze swept the room. He could make out a few cobwebs in the corners near the ceiling, and he could see the layers of dust and grime that had accumulated on the timber walls. In the center of the room sat a dark, ominous shape and he took a step toward it, highlighting it with the light from his wand.

Sirius froze.

Every muscle in his body tensed as he stared at the looming shape he'd just uncovered. He gawked at it in awe, mouth agape and heart racing. He hadn't seen it in years. He thought it had been lost to him forever--his trusty Black Shadow.

He strode toward it, marveling at its splendor even in the darkness, under the thick coat of motor oil and dust and grunge.

"She's a beauty," he whispered in awe, running his hand lovingly over the smooth, cool surface of seat and handlebar. He felt like weeping at the glory of the site--his old motorbike--the one he'd enchanted all on his own with so much sweat and tears in his fifth year at Hogwarts. He remembered fondly the first time he'd taken Remus for a ride on the great flying beast. It had been Remus' fifteenth birthday, and it was on that night that they'd truly come together and consecrated their love for the very first time. It had been a magical evening, and one that even with the mind-altering effects of Azkaban, he would never ever forget.

"Oh, Remus...I can't believe you've kept her all this time."

So that was the big secret then. Had Remus been attempting to get the bike to run? Sirius grinned into the darkness at the thought. Remus had never really been very mechanically inclined. He was brilliant yes. He had an answer and a solution to just about anything in life. He was excellent at chess--a great strategist and scholar, but machinery and the werewolf just didn't mix. How glorious it was to think on the image of a sweaty Remus, clad in snug muggle jeans, leaning over the hard steel of the perfect frame, his tight ass wriggling in the air with every tweak of a wrench. He could still detect Remus' scent in the small confines, mixed with the unmistakable aroma of motor oil, and the combined smell enticed him like nothing else.

Grinning maniacally, he wrapped long fingers affectionately around the handlebars, nudged up the kickstand with his foot, and pushed Shadow out into the open.

"God, she's filthy...!" he exclaimed, finally able to assess the full degree of her current state. The grin that was plastered on his face however, never once faltered. "No wonder Remus was such a sight..."

He found the garden hose--Remus liked to do things the muggle way when it came to plants and flowers--he said it was more authentic that way--and turned the lever, watching with interest as a stream of water jetted forth from the spout. He wasn't really sure why muggle objects had such a hold over him, but he knew that he'd never been happier than he was during those years when he and his 'girl' and Remus had all been a family.

Lovingly, he began to wash the dirt and filth away, revealing the Shadow in all of its black, shiny splendor. She hadn't changed very much over the years. In fact, once he'd washed all of the grime away, he was amazed to find how like new she still appeared.

"Ahh, Shadow...you and I--reunited at last." He said a quick drying charm and climbed aboard, sighing in pleasure as he sank into the padded leather seat. He ran his hands over the gas tank, up and over the handlebars, mesmerized. He laughed suddenly, taking note of his own reflection in the little mirror. He hadn't looked -- or felt -- this carefree in years.

Saying a quick prayer under his breath, he pulled in the clutch with his left hand, right thumb pushing on the starter. He held his breath as the engine began to protest, then suddenly fired up deep and strong. As the mighty beast rumbled and pulsed between his thighs, he threw his head back and cried out in triumph. Oh, it was so good to be back on board this symbol of so many memories. His heart felt truly light for the first time in a long while, and he pulled the throttle, rising up into the clear blue sky.

The wind whipped through his long hair and he took a deep breath, filling his lungs to the brim. It was amazing to him that he remembered how to tame this beast after so many years apart, but he figured it was the equivalent to riding a muggle bicycle--once you know how you never forget.

He flew over treetops and houses, watching as wisps of smoke rose from the chimneys. The warmth of the sun touched his leather clad back, offering some heat in contrast to the chill of the wind. He sighed, perfectly content to sit in this seat all day and into the night. But then he remembered that he had a purpose -- he was going to find Remus. He sped the bike up, a new wave of determination pushing him onward.

As he neared the castle, he could make out the shapes of two men talking on the grounds below. One was slightly shorter and lean, a mop of golden brown hair crowning a pale face. The other sported a long white beard with hair to match, and he was sure that even from this great distance, he could make out the familiar sparkle in the pale blue eyes. He smiled as he grew nearer, never tearing his site from Remus and Dumbledore.

He let out a shout as he maneuvered the bike closer, coming in for a landing. The two men looked up in surprise as he neared. Remus had a look of complete astonishment on his face, mouth agape and eyes wide. In Dumbledore's face he found amusement, the twinkle in his eyes shining ever brighter.

"Greetings, Mr. Black," he said kindly, addressing him as he might one of his students.

"Good afternoon, headmaster." Sirius pulled himself off the bike and bowed in reverence.

Remus was still looking at him as though he'd committed some travesty of nature.

"Hello, Moony," he smiled. "Ehh...sorry about the bike, but really, it's your own fault for leaving me to my own devices. She runs perfectly. Thank you so much for storing her for me! And here I thought maybe you were secretly keeping a family of Acromantulas in that shed..." He laughed good-naturedly.

"Sirius..." Remus finally found his voice. "That was--I was **saving** that as a surprise for your birthday!"

Sirius' expression turned sheepish. "Sorry, Remus. I'll make it up to you..."

"Yes, well...see that you do..." But there was affection lighting in his eyes now, and joy.

Sirius wrapped his arms around his lover and kissed him gently on the lips. "Even mere hours without you are torture, Moony. Why didn't you wait for me to join you?"

"I'm sorry, Sirius," Remus spared a glace at the headmaster. "There were things I needed to speak to Albus about, and I figured you could use the rest at home."

"However would you get the idea that I'd rather spend my time by myself in that lonely cottage than accompany you on your adventures? Don't do that to me again, Moony, all right? I was worried."

Remus gripped him again, kissing him with fervor. "I promise," he said softly.

"Well..." Dumbledore smiled with delight, his eyes lighting up with a secret knowledge. "I shall need to have a room prepared for the both of you then. I'll take my leave of you now so you two might have some privacy. The house elves will have dinner ready at seven o'clock sharp." He nodded at them. "Good day..."

Remus could feel his face heat up in embarrassment, but he nodded and smiled. "Thank you, headmaster." Then he turned to Sirius. "What am I going to do with you?"

Sirius pouted and looked down at him with big, puppy dog eyes. "Love me...?"

Remus couldn't help but chuckle. "Always, Padfoot...always."


	7. 6

Dinner had been a grand affair, with all of the usual Hogwarts festivities. Dumbledore had announced Remus and Sirius as his guests for the next couple of weeks, much to the excitement of several of the students and the chagrin of Severus Snape. They'd sat together at the head table, where he'd looked upon them with contempt throughout the entire meal. Sirius had the intense urge to punch him in his already too large nose, but Remus had calmed him, suggesting they simply ignore him and enjoy the feast.

It was more than a little nerve wracking to be back in this place together after so many years. True, they had visited the castle on many an occasion since Sirius' escape from the wizard prison, but never jointly, and never on anything other than Order business. Sitting side by side in the Great Hall while watching Harry and his friends reminded them both so much of their crazy student days at Hogwarts, and of their friends James and Peter and all they'd lost. Their semi- frequent visits within these walls were bittersweet reminders of what might have been, and what once was. It was even more ominous now, looking upon Sirius' godson, a boy they had loved as much as they'd loved James, and knowing without a doubt that those carefree days were long over.

Immediately after dinner, an eager Harry, Ron and Hermione approached them.

"You didn't tell me you were coming to visit!" Harry exclaimed, his voice a notch deeper than Sirius remembered it being over the summer. He studied the boy with pride as he grasped first Sirius' hand and then Remus' in a firm shake. Only a couple of years ago, Harry would have thrown his arms around them both, proclaiming how much he'd missed them. But that small, insecure boy had grown up quite a lot since Sirius and Remus had first met up with him again in his third year. He was now seventeen and would be graduating soon to start a new life as an auror.

Sirius was fiercely proud of Harry. He sincerely hoped that somewhere, James and Lily were looking down upon their son and witnessing all of his many accomplishments. The boy was brave and proud and extremely talented, much as his father had been, and it was a comfort to know that his less than perfect childhood hadn't marred the man that he was turning out to be.

"Sorry, Harry," Sirius smiled, despite the hint of dread that was pooling in his stomach. "There wasn't time." He knew that he would have to let the boy in on his little secret sometime very soon, but just **how** do you go about telling your godchild--a young man who had been orphaned as an infant, who'd witnessed more death than a boy his age should be allowed--that now, his closest connection to his father had been tainted by the curse?

Remus glanced at him, obviously sharing his thoughts. But when he turned toward Harry, his smile was genuine. "We're here on some private business with Dumbledore. And...we thought we would surprise you."

_Nice cover up,_ Sirius mused. _Yes, Remus, I think Harry will be **very** surprised by our little secret._ That feeling of trepidation in his gut doubled.

Sirius knew there was no point in trying to cover up what had happened. Harry lived with them now. He had since last summer after Sirius' name was cleared. It was inevitable that he find out about his godfather's condition on his first full moon night back at the cottage. But Sirius was in no hurry to explain to the boy the implications of his condition or just **how** this had happened. He could feel his cheeks heating up in humiliation at the mere thought. No, it could wait until later, after they'd had the chance to thoroughly talk with Dumbledore and see if there was any hope of reversing the effects.

"Well," Remus said kindly, laying a hand on Harry's shoulder affectionately. "We are both very tired from the journey. If you'll excuse us, we could both use a bit of sleep. We'll chat with you tomorrow, Harry." He nodded at him and each of his friends in turn, and after a few exchanged well wishes, the two men retired to their appointed room.

~~+~~

"He sure has grown!" Sirius exclaimed as he pulled his sweater over his head, revealing the marred bite mark and a few faint scars on his otherwise perfect torso. Remus had the sudden urge to run his hands over that smooth, delectable flesh, but he bit it back, reminding himself that they were in a school, and more importantly, that the headmaster had a seemingly uncanny knack for knowing exactly just what went on within these walls at all times.

"Yes. I think he's grown another two inches since summer," Remus said softly, removing his own robe to reveal a thin t-shirt and tight- fitting muggle jeans. This was in fact, the stuff Sirius' dreams were made of, and he couldn't repress a smile as he thought back to that image he'd conjured up in the shack in Remus' garden, of his lover bent over his motorbike, rear end high in the air as he tinkered lovingly with the engine, covered in grease and soot.

Remus watched with growing arousal as Sirius laid the sweater and his old, worn leather jacket over the back of a chair. Sirius undid the button on his jeans deliberately--did he realize that Remus was watching him--how much it turned him on? He pulled the flap open and grasped the zipper, pulling it down painfully slowly. The sound of the tiny metal teeth as they rubbed together seemed deafening suddenly to Remus' lupine ears, and he let out a low moan.

Sirius smiled smugly, satisfied that his little attempt at seduction had worked so effortlessly. Fighting the urge to wrap his arms around Remus and ravish him right then and there, he continued on with his striptease, doing his best to act completely innocent and oblivious to Remus' rising lust.

He peeled the jeans down his legs, wriggling his hips back and forth to aid in their removal. He could sense Remus' heavy gaze upon him. He could smell the arousal and desire pouring off of his mate. It was like electricity hanging thickly in the air--these intense emotions tingling across the nerve endings in his skin, causing the fine hairs on the back of his neck to stand on end. He closed his eyes briefly, savoring the sensation.

In seconds, Remus was on him, yanking the boxers down his tanned thighs and pushing him violently to the bed. Sirius hitched his breath at the powerful look lighting up in those amber eyes, cock stiffening in response.

He adored when his lover got this way--fueled by lust and need. That yearning in those light eyes told him that he was about to be taken, and oh, how he craved it. The wolf within reminded him that **he** should be the aggressor, but the moon wasn't strong enough to sway him this time. He was perfectly happy to lay here on his back as Remus crawled over him, catlike in his grace, and placed the most searing of kisses upon his wanting lips.

"Oh, god, Remus..." he breathed when the other man finally pulled away, granting them both some air. "God, I love you. I **want** you...please..."

Remus pulled the t-shirt up over his head and threw it across the room, revealing that pale, lightly scarred chest that Sirius so adored. He reached up with long fingered hands and gently caressed that wounded, perfect flesh, trailing them down to toy with taut nipples.

Remus closed his eyes, lips parted as he allowed Sirius to touch him with those expert hands. Images came to him as they lay in this bed in Hogwarts, of years long gone--days and nights of unbridled passion. How they used to love Hogsmeade weekends when James and Peter would leave them alone for hours to worship and explore one another's bodies in the privacy of their dorm room.

Remus opened his eyes and sat up a bit, fingers fiddling fruitlessly with his fly. He had to get these off--now! Had to break free--had to have Sirius!

Gentle hands reached up, grasping his shaking hands, silencing them. Sirius pushed his fingers away, replacing them with his own and he undid the button and zipper carefully, running his fingertips lightly up and down over the crotch of his pants.

A groan escaped Remus' throat, announcing the awakening of the wolf once again. He threw Sirius back on the bed, black hair splaying across the white linen sheets and thick down comforter as he pulled the jeans and underware hastily from his body.

Sirius reached for him, pulling him down atop him and pressing their lips together. Remus obliged willingly, hands roaming to touch and stroke greedily. Their tongues touched and they kissed passionately, lost in memory and the familiar feel of each other.

Sirius felt Remus' hardened cock pressing and rubbing earnestly against his own. He bit his lip, letting out a muffled cry as pleasure began to spiral through his abdomen and the sensitive skin of his thighs, peaking in the rigid flesh of his erection.

He moved his hands over Remus' shoulders and down his back, massaging away the day's tension. Remus arched into the touch and dipped his head, snaking out a warm, moist tongue to gently flicker over the tarnished flesh of the werewolf's mark.

Sirius lifted his chin, pushing his head back into the mattress and bearing his entire throat to his lover as he moved his own hands down, gently kneading Remus' smooth, firm ass.

Remus nuzzled against his throat, soft hair tickling seductively over his flesh as an eager hand reached down, trailing lightly over his erection.

Sirius gasped, screwing his eyes shut as a wave of concentrated bliss shot through his cock, causing it to grow even more rigid in the sturdy grip. Remus began to move his hand rhythmically up and down over his aching flesh, the other hand moving deftly to caress his balls.

Sirius snaked his hands around Remus' neck, panting heavily with each thrust, lost in the heat and sensation of his lover's body.

But a sudden sound broke through the passion of the moment, alerting them both of an unwanted presense, and they pulled away from one another quickly. Sirius sniffed the air and was startled by the scent of alarm mingled with the very familiar, pungent odor of someone he despised. His brain barely had time to recognize that the sound he heard was a knocking at the door before it was pushed open, a sinister figure--black robes billowing--gliding into the room.

"Albus insisted I come talk to you right way, Lupin," the familiar voice drawled. "Otherwise I wouldn't be he--" Severus stopped dead in his tracks, eyes wide with embarrassment and surprise.

"Holy shit! Snape!?" Sirius was furious at his nemesis for the invasion of privacy, and more importantly, for interrupting the hot sex he and Remus were about to partake of. He pulled the sheet up over himself and Remus, clutching it to his chest.

"Lupin...? Black...?" Severus turned away in disgust. "Oh, for god's sake--put some clothes on!"

A lightning storm of fury lit in Sirius' diamond-flashing eyes as he turned, teeth gritted, jerking his head in Snape's direction, as he faced his furiously blushing lover. Remus' heart was beating double- time, shock and humiliation...and even, surprisingly, faint amusement running through him as he shook his head at Sirius and raised his finger to his lips, begging him silently not to make the situation even more unpleasant than it currently was.

It was a useless gesture though as Sirius simply snorted and rolled his glare toward the tall, black robed wizard who stood statue still with his lean back toward the two on the bed. "Don't you have any sense of privacy, Snape? Bloody hell! What gives you the right to burst in on us like that...like some great black bat flapping in here all..."

"Sirius!" Remus hissed, amber eyes widening in desperation as he saw Snape's back straighten into a stiffer line--every tight gesture betraying his indignation. Remus scrambled for the coverlet, covering his nudity with it, his face burning with shame as he launched his lean, white body from the bed, leaping the distance between he and the other wizard quickly. He reached out, grabbing anxiously at Snape's arm.

"Severus, wait!"

"Let go of my arm, Lupin. I only deigned to come to these sordid chambers because Dumbledore requested me to. It is obvious, however, that my presence here is not appreciated."

"No," Remus rasped, "that's not true. Please...just...please wait. I truly do need to speak with you..."

"Not without me you don't," Sirius interrupted, his voice a rumbling growl as he stood up and reached down for his discarded robe, jerking it on angrily.

Remus closed his eyes and sighed. He hated this--this constant bitter rivalry and dislike that sparked dangerously between the two black-headed wizards. They had despised each other since boyhood and that contempt had only grown stronger and bitterer with the passage of time.

"Sirius," Remus breathed, "Just...just calm down."

"Calm down, Remus?! He bursts in here like he owns the blasted castle and interrupts..."

"Sirius!" Remus' voice rose, traces of anger and desperation dripping from it, his eyes gold-flamed as he turned his fiery gaze on his lover.

"What, Remus?" Sirius barked.

Snape groaned and shook his head, "I'll go and leave you to your lover's spat!" he hissed, long robes swishing over the floor as he strode gracefully forward. "I see the two of you have resumed the...carnal relationship you shamelessly flaunted during our school days. I will leave you to it."

"Shamelessly flaunted? What? You are an idiot, Snape! A **jealous**..."

"Dammit, Sirius," Remus groaned, grabbing onto his lover's arms as he advanced toward Snape. "just...please...for me...stop it."

Sirius scowled but stopped his stalking advance. Remus nodded and turned to face Snape again. "Please, Severus...wait...here, I'll go with you. Just give me a moment to...ahhh..."

"Yes, by all means, please do put your bloody clothes back on, Lupin. I have no desire to be seen walking down the hallway with a nude werewolf sauntering at my side!"

Remus blushed and glanced down. "Well, I'm not entirely nude. I have the coverlet..."

"Whatever. I'm leaving, Lupin. If you wish to speak with me..." he paused and turned to glare with cold obsidian eyes at Remus and then up to Sirius, " **alone** , then you can meet me in my chambers when you are properly attired."

"He's not going anywhere alone with you," Sirius gritted, his eyes narrowed.

"Sirius," Remus spoke in a quiet voice but one that brooked no argument. Sirius knew that tone--that tone that suggested he had best close his mouth immediately, if he ever wished to partake of the activities they had been previously enjoying ever again.

He grumped loudly and sat down heavily on the bed, scrubbing his hands back through his long ebony hair.

Remus sighed quietly and rolled his eyes as he then turned to face Snape. "Thank you, Severus. I truly do appreciate you taking the time to talk with me. I'll join you in your chambers presently."

"Do as you so please, Lupin," Snape muttered as he turned to leave, one pale, elegant hand grabbing for the door. "It matters not one whit to me whether you join me later or not. Good evening, **gentlemen**."

He then swept from the room, closing the door unduly loudly behind him.

Remus jerked at the sound that reverberated through the bed chambers and turned to gaze resignedly at Sirius.

"Sirius..." he began, but Sirius held up one hand staying Remus' words as he interrupted.

"No, Moony! Don't bloody expect me to feel bad about anything I said tonight. I despise that...that self-important, greasy-headed, arrogant..."

"Sweet Merlin, Sirius! I get so ruddy tired of this," Remus groaned as he reached down to grab his jeans, stepping quickly into them, not bothering with underwear. "You and Snape are always, always at each others' throats like...like two rut-mad grindlylows!"

Sirius' eyes widened for a moment as he watched Remus jerk his T- shirt on inside-out, his hair sticking up in all manner of directions atop his head like crazy hay, and suddenly the complete absurdity of the situation got to him and he found himself smiling. "Rut-mad grindylows, you say, love?"

Remus paused from his fast, frantic dressing. "Yes. Male grindylows will fight each other to the death when the females of the species go into estrus. It's horrible, yet pruriently fascinating to watch-- they are so tenacious in their viciousness as they launch into each other, long spindly fingers splayed, teeth bared and...they attack. The deadly altercations can last up to several hours and..."

"Thank you, professor," Sirius smirked before glancing around the room. "But...ummm...I 'm afraid I rather don't see the connection as there does not appear to be any female grindylows in heat around here..."

"Oh...you know what I mean, Padfoot."

"You have your shirt on inside out and turned opposite around, Remus," Sirius noted pointing at the Gladrags label that hung glittering at the hollow of Remus' throat now.

Remus threw up his hands and breathed, "I truly don't care at the moment. I highly doubt Severus will give any thought whatsoever to my fashion sense or lack thereof." He then stepped into his boots.

Sirius stood up behind Remus, his hands sliding around to dip under the werewolf's shirt, fingers playing against the warm downy line of hair at his belly. He nuzzled gently into Remus' nape.

Remus closed his eyes and sighed. "Siri...it's okay. I'm not angry with you."

Sirius nodded against Remus' neck. "Mmmhhh, Moony. I love you, you stubborn sod, but don't think you're leaving this room without me. I'm going with you. No way I'm letting you go down to that creepy crawlie's dungeon without me."

Remus hung his head, breathing in deeply through his nose, trying to calm himself. "Sirius," he finally murmured, "please...I will be quite alright. You know that. Sometimes Severus has a...well...a less than pleasing manner, I'll grant you, but...he has never brought harm to anyone..."

"Ha! I have a feeling dear departed James would disagree with you on that point, Moony. Remember that time when..."

"No, Sirius. We are not going to do this. You're stalling, trying to keep me here. I know you. And it's not going to work. I'm not going to stand here and reminisce about the glory days and past injustices enacted against Gryffindors by Slytherins..."

"And what the bloody hell did the long-nosed git mean by our supposedly 'flaunting our carnal relationship'?" Sirius interrupted.

Remus turned in Sirius' arms and couldn't repress the small smile that tickled at the corners of his mouth. He distinctly remembered Sirius kissing him soundly and for long heady moments in the hallway once in front of Slytherin bully Evan Rosier when he had sneered about Remus' lack of valentines. Sirius had finally pulled from Remus with a wet smack before turning to Rosier and nonchalantly saying, "That's right. He better not receive a bloody one from any one but me." And there were several more similar instances.

"What?" Sirius asked, a playful grin spreading across his face.

"Err...well, I was just remembering a few times when we might have...err...perhaps displayed our affection publicly..."

"Tsk tsk, Remus! Hush now! You don't have time to stand here and 'reminisce about the glory days', you know..."

Remus chuckled and leaned his head against Sirius' chest, smiling as he felt the long arms enclose him and the curtain of fragrant sable hair fall around him as Sirius bent over, pressing a kiss to his head.

They stood there for long moments until finally Remus, knowing he could delay no longer, pulled reluctantly from Sirius. He reached out and cupped Sirius' face in his hand, amber eyes boring into silver. "Sirius, please let me go speak with Severus alone about this. You...well, you two antagonize each other, and...to be quite frank, due to the gravity of the matter that I need to speak with him about, the constant bickering and interruptions are a real problem."

Sirius exhaled loudly. "I'm not happy about it, Remus...but...seeing as I don't have a choice in the matter, I suppose I'll make the best of it."

"There's my sweet puppy," Remus cooed, causing Sirius to pull a face. Remus laughed and stepped away.

Sirius rolled his eyes and sat down heavily on the side of the bed again. "Doesn't mean I'm going to be happy about it though," he grumped.

Remus nodded. "I know, Padfoot, but it's for the best and I shouldn't be gone long."

"Yes, well, see that you aren't. If you're not back in an hour, I'm coming down there...just to make sure the git doesn't have you chained to his wall enacting all manner of perverted acts..."

"Sirius!" Remus gasped but still smiled.

Sirius shrugged. "Well, Remus...you never know. I always thought he must have carried a torch for you, the way he was always following you about the way he did. I don't trust him--never have."

"Sirius...he never liked me like **that** , and you're going to have to trust him now. He's the best hope we've got. I know what I'm talking about..."

"Says the werewolf in his inside-out, turned about shirt and mismatched boots..." Sirius drawled, shaking his head but smiling warmly.

Remus glanced down to see that he had accidentally slipped on one of Sirius' boots and one of his own. He shrugged. "Severus will never notice and frankly I don't give a damn...however, I will reverse my shirt." He then quickly slid his arms out of it and twisted it around before sliding his long, pale arms through the sleeves again. "There. Better?" he asked as he leaned forward and brushed a quick kiss against Sirius' lips.

He pulled back and turned, smiling once more before opening the door and exiting the room much more quietly than Snape had.

Sirius watched as the door slowly close shut. "Yeah...better, Moony, but your shirt is still inside-out," he murmured, sliding down against the bed until his head rested on the pillow and he gazed pensively up at the deep velvet hangings above, stomach clenching with nerves and fleeting vestiges of Snape-provoked irritation.


	8. 7

Severus stormed down the dimly lit hallways that led to his dungeon, black robes billowing out behind him like the waves of a dark, angry ocean. As he walked, he could literally feel the temperature begin to drop and he shivered, crossing his arms over his chest.

_Stupid, sniveling prat! As if he has any authority to even **be** here in the first place! As I recall, Albus specifically stated that **Lupin** would be joining us, not that brainless, insufferable paraffin, Black! He is the proverbial twisting thorn in my side, forever pricking and never allowing me a moment's peace. I can hardly stand to even look at the blundering pillock, let alone actually **work** with him side by side. If Albus thinks I am willing to suffer through the indignity of allowing that mangy canine into my labs, then he has another thing coming!_

A familiar scowl crossed Severus' face as he hurried down the corridor, robes swishing and boots clapping sharply against the old stone. His blood began to boil as images of his two old schoolmates, naked together in their quarters, flashed through his mind. Black had always been obnoxious and way too cocky for his own good. In school, Snape had been taunted relentlessly by him and his gang of Marauders, always the object of their jokes and pranks. In truth, more times than not, their actions hadn't been without warrant, as Severus was constantly reminding them of their various faults, spying on them, and reporting their deeds to teachers. He'd told himself it was his civic duty, but when he really thought about it, much of it stemmed from a deep rooted jealousy--envy of the close-knit, seemingly unbreakable bond the four boys shared and also a hint of resentment that someone as scholarly and refined as Remus Lupin chose to spend his time in their company over his own. Of course, that was before he found out the truth about his classmate.

He would never forget that night that James Potter had saved his life. It still haunted his dreams. Sometimes when he closed his eyes, he could still see those long sharp teeth, a human face contorting, deforming, sprouting thick grey fur. He shuddered at the thought. Since that day, he'd devoted a great deal of time to the study of lycanthropy, seeking for new and better ways in which to protect himself against the deadly bite, and even searching for a cure. He'd perfected the wolfsbane potion--the elixir that made it possible for Lupin to teach at the school a few years ago, though it wasn't enough. He wanted more concrete answers, better and more permanent solutions to the curse.

Truly he despised Lupin for what he was--an animal, the darkest of creatures, a beast of the night. He couldn't stand the thought of something so vicious and vile roaming free, uncaged and unguarded, awaiting in shadow to rip out the heart, and quite possibly the very soul of an unsuspecting passerby. Yet, there was something equally intriguing about Lupin. He wasn't what one might expect of a werewolf, choosing to take on the role of the mild mannered intellectual the other twenty-seven days out of the month. When Severus thought about it, he had to admit to himself that Remus was a very skilled wizard -- most adept in the area of Defense Against the Dark Arts. He resented the fact that the werewolf had procured the job ahead of him, but he simply couldn't deny the other man's talent in the subject. Still, he didn't trust him. And now, seeing that he chose to reunite himself with that ex-convict Black -- guilty or no -- his mistrust had doubled. He was certain Lupin had a dark side, being what he was -- he'd gotten a brief glimpse of it all those years ago. And yet, he was so much more worthy of his efforts than Black would ever be. He was convinced that his old school rival didn't deserve the forgiveness or affection that Remus bestowed upon him. He'd done too much to too many. He simply would never possess Lupin's caliber.

Severus paused his inner dialogue when he realized he'd arrived at the door to his chambers. Sighing, he pulled out his wand, muttered a rather complex unlocking charm as if it was a simple Alohomora spell, and pushed it open. As he entered the darkness beyond, he made up his mind to wait there for ten minutes only before retiring to bed. His time was very precious and it was not his problem if Lupin would rather waste his own opportunity shagging with that mangy, decrepit mutt Sirius Black than consult him about whatever this earth-shattering matter entailed.

Using his wand once again, he lit several candles and also started a small blaze in the fireplace. The room was far too chilly and damp, even for his own liking, and he was certain that the seemingly frail Lupin would catch pneumonia in such conditions. He took a seat at his desk and opened the book he was currently studying. It was a very ancient tome, littered with dust, the pages yellowing and torn. Sighing, he sat back to wait, pouring over the current chapter -- death-delaying potions.

When the soft knocking came at the door, Severus laid his book face down onto the desk top and lifted his head, obsidian eyes glowing in the dim light. "Enter."

The door creaked open, revealing a very somber yet bright-eyed Remus Lupin. Severus narrowed his eyes at the sight, taking a moment to study his appearance. His hair was mussed, wayward locks sticking up in different directions. His shirt was inside out, and as he spared a glance downward, he blinked in confusion. Was it an odd effect of the light, or were those two different shoes Lupin was wearing?

"You know...you didn't have to rush over here quite so quickly," he drawled, eyes scanning over him one last time as Remus shut the door quietly behind him. He glanced at his watch. "You still had three minutes."

Ignoring the subtle hint about the horrendous state of his appearance, Remus moved into the room, lowering himself into the overstuffed armchair near the desk. Severus told himself silently that Lupin was probably used to looking unkempt and haggard. Perhaps he preferred it that way. Sirius Black -- perverse dog that we was -- probably enjoyed it. _'The more ruffled and scraggly, the more enticing'_ , he could hear him saying, and repressed a shudder. Still, the potions master wasn't blind. He knew that Lupin possessed the ability to stun simply through his choice of attire or a quick swipe of a comb through his honey-toned locks.

He studied him for a moment in the candlelight, sight lingering on the glittering strands of silver hair near his temples, contrasting highly with the golden brown. The light played fetchingly in the deep amber of his eyes, giving them a glow all their own. Severus also took note of the fact that Remus had gained a bit of weight since last he'd seen him. He was still rather skinny, but there was an air of strength and renewed energy that hadn't been there before. Although he didn't approve of the idea of wizards sporting muggle clothing, he had to admit that the outfit that currently adorned his old classmate -- although it had seen better days -- wasn't quite as threadbare, and harbored none of the gaping holes and tears that his old teaching robe had born. _At least it's an improvement_ , he thought to himself dryly.

Remus took a moment to warm himself near the fire as he slowly became familiar with his surroundings. The room was very dark -- much too dim to read, and he wondered how Severus had managed to do so properly -- despite the vast number of candelabras and sconces, each alight with its own magical blaze. As the flames danced, they cast large, flickering shadows on the textured brick walls, bestowing upon the small quarters a very lonely, eerie feel. He concentrated on the snapping and popping of the fire in the hearth, the sharp scent of burning wood and hickory smoke as he turned his attention to the potions master before him. Snape sat very still -- pale, long fingered hands folded loosely in his lap. His black, expressionless eyes were fixed on his own, sizing him up in the dim light.

Remus took notice how, in the orangey glow of the candlelight, Snape's sallow, pallid complexion had taken on a healthier golden hue, giving him a vibrancy he had never before witnessed in the sullen professor. There were lines in the face also, and in the sharp contrast of light and shadow, they appeared as deep grooves, carving an illustration of past pains and stress into his otherwise elegantly defined features. A few stray strands of greasy ebony hair fell over his forehead and into his eyes, softening the frown that had begun to form there. Severus reached up and brushed them away.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Severus. I know your time is very valuable."

Severus simply stared at him for a moment, in quiet contemplation. He decided that this issue must be a very serious one indeed -- Lupin had never spoken his name with such sincerity.

"Yes, well...I remain begrudgingly indebted to Albus for the time being, and so, his wish is my proverbial command as it were."

Remus couldn't be positive to which debts Severus was referring, but he figured it must have something to do with second chances and the fact that Dumbledore had placed his utmost trust and faith in the potions master, granting him a safe haven from the wrath of Voldemort and the company of the Death Eaters.

"I understand," he said quietly. Severus was helping him out of obligation to a mutual friend and mentor, and nothing more.

"I do hope this is a matter of some urgency, being that Albus asked me to speak with you straight away. There are responsibilities that I have had to set aside in order to find the time to meet with you."

"Well, then," Remus said kindly. "Let's get down to business, shall we, and I will take up as little of your time as possible."

"Very well," Snape rested his elbows against the desktop, long flowing black sleeves sliding over his forearms to drape down the side of the furniture, revealing just a hint of the bottom outline of the skull and snake that made up the Dark Mark. Subconsciously, he tugged on the sleeve, concealing the tattoo beneath the fabric once more, then spread his fingers, touching the tips together to form a triangle with his hands. He looked at Remus pointedly. "Let's begin."

Remus cleared his throat, begging the powers that be to grant him the courage and patience to relay his story to the man before him. It was never an easy feat admitting weakness to a potential rival. And that's how he viewed Severus -- not quite the enemy, yet someone who could, in theory, betray him -- a wizard of fierce principles, yet one who clearly despised him and the man he so desperately sought to save.

"I will be frank and tell you that I need your help, Severus. I am in a desperate way and in urgent need of your assistance."

"Yes, Lupin...I'd gathered that much already. Tell me...does this have anything to do with...the curse?"

Remus bit back the surge of dread that had begun to well up in his chest and relaxed his face, keeping his expression neutral. "Yes...I'm afraid so."

The haunted look in Lupin's eyes spoke of danger and deep rooted worry combined with just the minutest hint of hope. A stab of fear surged through Severus, for in a split instant, he realized what had happened -- why his old school rivals had arrived so quickly, the reasoning behind Albus' request for urgency.

"You've made another. You've spread the curse."

Snape's eyes were wild, filled with a lethal combination of horror and hatred and intrigue. Remus closed his own eyes, breathing heavily. He nodded gently, working up the courage to explain just **why** he needed this man's help so desperately. He could feel those cold, ebony pools piercing into him and he felt the wolf within begin to bristle.

Snape loathed the idea of always being chosen as the one to solve these problems, when it was because of Lupin's ailment that he'd nearly been killed as a boy. Still, he felt an obligation of sorts to protect others from falling to the same fate.

"Albus told me this issue was of an incredible nature, and yet I never expected..." Severus allowed his voice to trail off, pushing himself up from the chair. He rubbed at his chin thoughtfully with one hand, the other placed delicately at his hip.

"And Black is aware of his condition, of course."

"Yes," Remus eyed him warily as he paced the length of the room and back again. "He has already suffered through one full moon."

"So you've come to me to brew more of the wolfsbane potion? No... no...that would be far too simple...wouldn't require **nearly** the level of urgency placed on this matter..."

"Indeed," Remus agreed. "However, I would like to request more of the potion. You are very skilled in that area and have succeeded where others have failed." He hoped his lame attempt at flattery would convince the wizard without too much trouble.

"Hmmm...yes...it is a difficult formula to concoct. If one ingredient is off, even by the merest milliliter, the entire potion is rendered useless."

Remus nodded, and Severus paused his gait to look at him fully. "How did this happen?"

Remus felt his cheeks heat up with embarrassment, and he lowered his head, studying the lines and folds in his jeans. "It...it doesn't really matter in the scope of things, does it? What's important is that Sirius now shares the curse I have been forced to endure for most of my life and that I was the cause..." He stopped, not wishing to go on, to breach that point of no return.

But Severus, at least in this, was perceptive. "There is more."

Remus bit his lip, entwining his fingers and wrenching them in his lap. He suddenly felt so small -- as if he was a child again, having been sent to the headmaster's office to await punishment. Lost in the enormous armchair, Snape towering over him, he felt extremely vulnerable and lost.

"Yes," he swallowed, staring down at his interlocked hands. He no longer wished to face this man -- the one who held such power over the predicament. If Snape refused to help him, there was little hope of finding the cure he so desperately sought, and almost no chance of ever redeeming his own soul. He knew he should be used to the judgment and scorn of others, but confessing to Snape his deepest secrets -- willingly this time -- was another matter entirely. He only hoped that once the potions master found out the entire truth, he would still be willing to help.

"Being the Alpha -- the one who created the dark creature that now resides within Sirius, my soul has been plagued with eternal damnation."

"Ahhh yes," Snape looked thoughtful, almost excited at the possibility. "I've read about such instances. However, I have discovered no remedy for **that** little predicament, I'm afraid."

"Death."

Snape's eyes widened and he turned his gaze to look fully at the werewolf. "Excuse me?"

"Death," Remus repeated. "It's the only way to counter the curse."

"Have you gone bloody **mad** , Lupin!?" Severus was scandalized. "You mean to suggest suicide as an alternative to Black's lycanthropy?"

"It isn't as simple as that."

"I should bloody well think not!" Snape began to pace again, boots clacking against the stone floor. "You **do** realize that death would not free your soul from the eternal damnation you have bestowed upon it...?"

"Yes, I know. But it is the only way to cure Sirius--"

"And you **honestly** think that Black wouldn't follow you to the grave having seen what you've done?" Severus couldn't really understand why he was trying to stop Lupin from his plan. It would in fact, kill two proverbial birds with one stone. However, there was something appalling about the idea of Lupin sacrificing himself in such a way for Snape's eternal adversary. Lupin had far too much to offer the world -- lycanthropy or no.

"No..." Remus admitted sadly. "But I don't know what else to do. If I die, Sirius' humanity is restored. If his curse is lifted, then my soul is no longer damned. However--"

"However," Snape spun on him again. "You don't realize how bloody stupid you sound even suggesting such a thing, as you would already be **dead** , and therefore, there would be no penance for your soul. As much as I'd like to see Black gone, I cannot fathom a solution such as that."

Remus did his best to ignore the ominous comment Snape just made about his lover's life. "Perhaps we can search through your many books on the subject, maybe find a potion that would--"

"Yes, yes...I've already thought of that. Obviously Albus thinks that I can shed some new light on this subject. I don't know what he expects me to be able to accomplish, but I will look into the matter."

"Thank you, Severus. I am in your debt."

Snape liked the sound of that. "Yes, well...just remember that I am doing this for Dumbledore, and not for that pathetic oaf you call a friend."

"Please, Severus. Let us not venture into unpleasantries. Sirius is my mate. If something happens to him, it happens to me as well. And while I'm sure it makes little difference to you, I am certain it matters to Dumbledore."

Severus gritted his teeth and looked away. He hated helping out Sirius, he really did. But he knew that if he could come up with a workable solution, it would be very beneficial to his career. He would be famous, and perhaps he could find a true place for himself among the greats. A fleeting thought passed through his mind that Black didn't deserve Lupin who had always been kind and helpful even among rivalry. Somewhere deep inside, he knew that Remus was a worthy person. What a life he could have made for himself if he had never been cursed. Truly Black was the most deserving of this devastation. Then again, if twelve years in Azkaban hadn't broken him, he doubted much could.

"We're going to have to learn to trust one another if we're going to work together on this," Remus pleaded. "And I trust that I can place my utmost confidence in you...?"

"If you're worried about exposure, I assure you that I have already given my solemn vow to Albus not to speak a word of any of this...to **anyone**."

Dumbledore had emphasized the importance of not even discussing this with Sirius, as there were things that he wasn't aware of as of yet. _Oh, this is **brilliant**_ , Snape thought. _He doesn't even know about his own lover's peril._ This could definitely work to his advantage.

Remus caught his hidden meaning. "You have my thanks."

"Yes, well, I do imagine you will have to tell the Potter boy sooner or later. A thing like one's godfather transforming into a raging beast once a month is not to be overlooked."

Remus' heart broke at the very thought. Would Harry hate him for passing on the curse to the one man who meant most to him in all the world? More importantly, would he loathe Sirius? He reminded himself that the boy hadn't been anything but accepting when he found out about his ailment. It should change nothing between the two of them. If anything, **he** was the one to blame. He secretly hoped that if Harry harbored any of those feelings, they would be directed at him alone.

~~+~~

Humming a bit to himself, Sirius tried, in vain, to suppress the corrosive jealous thoughts eating away steadily at his insides at the thought of his mate in Snape's quarters. He trusted Remus implicitly, of course... but... he did **not** trust the Slytherin git and never would. Remus said Snape was their "best hope" -- well... perhaps, but that didn't mean that the wanker wasn't still the snotty, oh-so-high-and-mighty, dismissive....

"Grrwooorrr..." he growled softly, passing his hands over his eyes and trying again to chase the anxiety and nerves from his system. But still... the tension ate at him. Perhaps it was the influence of the wolf, he mused. Yes, that was probably a big part of it. Remus had explained to Sirius that wolves were more devoted to their families/packs than almost any of nature's creatures. They loved their families above all else. Remus had told Sirius this to explain his own fierce devotion to and possessiveness of Sirius, and partially also to explain why he had never been able to truly give up on Sirius during his imprisonment and had never stopped loving him.

Sirius nodded and smiled to himself slightly. Yes, that must be it -- lupine possessiveness... but then ... he smirked and laughed at his own inanity. He had **always** been possessive of Remus -- even, and especially, during their school days. That possessiveness had been the brunt of the cause for the Whomping Willow incident -- and, he pondered, that too had involved the greasy git!

He rolled his eyes and sighed as he peered around the room for anything to take his mind off his increasing sense of anxiety. His eyes fell across Remus' case as it lay upon the nearby dresser.

Ahh! A book... Remus had left one of his books. Scrambling up from his reclining position atop the bed, Sirius' eyes leveled on the worn suitcase-- opened and spilling its contents across the dresser. In the midst of the jumble of robes and trousers and parchment, the corner of the book poked out. Sirius' face split with a wicked smile, eyes gleaming, as he stood up, strode to the dresser and carefully dug out the tome.

It looked to be ancient. The binding was cracked and torn, the pages spilling out, and the title was hard to make out - the gold leaf faded. He was able to make out one word - Wolfdämon -- seemed to be German. Wolfdemon? Ahhh yes, of course. He fell back unto the warm velvet armchair beside the flickering lamp and opened the book. It was with a sinking feeling, he realized it would do him little good to try to read the thing as he spoke no German. His eyes alighted on a passage that Remus had marked in his familiar curving script. He scanned it quickly, trying in vain to ascertain its meaning:

"Die Seele der wolfdemons ist in der entsetzlichen Gefahr --, die während aller Ewigkeit verdammt wird, wenn er andere von seiner Art bildet."

What the blazes did that mean? Scowling and growling again softly, he closed his eyes, trying futily to remember a translation spell.

No use. He couldn't remember the damn spell. Investigation, translation, examination - these were his lover's areas of expertise. He felt a flash of envy as he considered the ease with which his learned mate mastered such areas of research. Even during their school days, Remus had been the most adept at research, and at practical ways of applying such in-depth information gathering to their studies, to spells, even to the odd prank now and again. James, in particular, had encouraged Remus' scholarly ways, often playfully referring to his sandy-headed friend as the 'Little Professor' or simply 'Prof.' Remus had never minded the gentle ribbing and, in fact, had seemed to relish the fact that his place within their small group was cemented and respected. James was the daring, intrepid leader, Sirius himself the foolhardy prankster prince extraordinaire, Peter the snitch and gofer, and Remus the practical, intelligent voice of reason, who, nonetheless, was also the genius behind some of their most intricate stunts.

Sirius smiled as he let his thoughts wander for a moment, searching past the dusty cobwebs that had gathered in his mind during the cold, dark days of imprisonment in Azkaban, seeking out the selective memories of their seemingly carefree days at Hogwarts before Voldemort's bloody terrorism. Those bygone days seemed Elysian now - bathed in the golden glow of innocence now long-since lost.

As his thoughts turned dark, Sirius shook his head, causing his gaze to fall to the table beside him on which a bottle of Burgundy and two goblets rested. He smiled and shook his head again, but this time in amusement. Dumbledore was aware it seemed that he and Remus would make good use of that wine. It was a pity his lover wasn't there to share it with him, he wanted to lap it from his lover's warm skin, perhaps that delectable backside... but, alas, Remus was currently unavailable and there seemed no sense in letting good wine go to waste.

He opened the bottle and poured a goblet half full of the rich, deep red wine and sipped it, diamond eyes closing as the smooth ambrosial liquid filled his mouth, running decadently over his tongue and down his throat. He relaxed for a moment, sipping occasionally, trying not to think of Remus in the dark, clammy dungeon with Snape. But it was no use - his thoughts spun in an assortment of horrid imaginings and while he never doubted Remus' strength, he still shuddered at the thought of him being in such close confines with one who carried such utter contempt for him.

He let out a heavy puff of breath he hadn't been aware he was holding and cast his eyes up at the clock on the wall. Not quite an hour yet - but... still, it seemed interminably long to Sirius. Trying to get his mind on other things, he picked up his goblet peering through the beautiful cut crystal that caught the refracted amber light of the candles and lamp and made the fluid inside sparkle. He rolled the liquid inside the glass musing for a moment on how very like blood it was - just as dark and rich and delicious...

As the musings slipped almost unbidden through his consciousness, Sirius jerked in the chair. Why was he musing on blood - the taste of it... its heat and life... and... oh god...

He put the goblet down and leaned forward, elbows propped on his knees as he pushed his hands back through the mass of hair at his nape, noting almost absently that his hair was thicker, softer, fuller now. The lycanthropy had settled fully into his system - he could feel it sliding through his veins like liquid fire, setting his senses, feelings, anxieties and desires aflame. How did Remus deal with the onslaught of fierce sensation so calmly?

'Years of practice, you dolt!' his inner wolf chided, mocking the fully-grown man who was slowly adapting to its presence -- the feral wolfpup inside.

"Shut your gob," he barked to the voice and smirked as he raised his head again. Talking to oneself - even if oneself is to all extents and purposes a sort of duality - was one of the first signs of madness. So... is that where this dark road eventually led. Madness. He shook his head. Lunacy - and, really, how very appropriate that term. But Remus, his strong, determined Remus had survived, sanity intact.

"Okay, Padfoot old boy, you can sit here and drive yourself loony in these bleak thoughts... or you can get up and **do** something... anything really, just... get the hell up!" Sirius muttered as he scowled and unfolded his long legs from the chair. He walked toward Remus' case with the intention of replacing the book... but then decided that he would rather find out what the ruddy passage meant that had obviously made such an impression on his mate.

He glanced up at the clock again and noted that 47 minutes had passed -- bloody long enough as far as he was concerned. He belted up his robe quickly and slipped his wand into his pocket and cradled the book under his arm. He would go retrieve Remus and he would make him tell him what the damn book said.

Nodding resolutely, he stepped into one of his boots and then the other but the one foot wouldn't shove in. He glanced down and groaned. "Oh Moony love, you silly arse!" he grumped aloud, "you're still wearing one of **my** blasted boots!"

Frowning in frustration, he kicked off the boot. Fine, he'd just traipse down the hall in his stocking feet. He didn't care. He started to shove the book under his arm again, but then decided to shrink it and slipped it in his pocket beside his wand. Sirius then opened the door and stepped out into the silent hallway.

He padded down the hall, peeking into the rooms with doors left ajar. The whole school was awash in scent -- the scent of herbs, potions, parchment, ink, dusty classrooms, rusting cauldrons -- all of it beckoning him to remember his own school years. Memories teased at the edges of his mind. He remembered James, in a moment of whimsy, piggybacking a laughing and flushed Remus down this same hallway after Remus had helped James figure out a particular Lily conundrum. Sirius remembered the way he had looked on -- jealous of his best friend for his ease of friendship and touch with Remus.

He saw Peter hovering behind the three of them as they made their way to Divination, peppering them with questions about the future and what did they truly feel was in store for each of them. Now with everything that had unfolded so horribly in their lives, he wondered about the supposedly "innocent" questions that the betrayer had queried. _Was he plotting even then?_ Sirius mused bitterly.

He passed by the empty Charms room and smiled, remembering the extra time dear tiny Professor Flitwick had taken up with he and James one afternoon, teaching them advanced Cheering Charms which he and his partner-in-crime had claimed would be used to help Remus post-transformation. That was partially true, they did indeed use the charm to help boost Remy's spirits on those cold, achy mornings, but... but one particular day, Sirius used the charm to cast a fit of undignified giggles upon an unsuspecting Snape during his wizard duel with James. The long-nosed prat had laughed so hard that tears were running down his sallow face and he had been forced to sit down, clutching his sides in forced amusement, even as he glared at his innocently beaming bespectacled foe.

He passed the window that looked out over the grounds and the rose garden. Remus has always loved this view and Sirius remembered the many times when Remus was restless and couldn't sleep during the nights before the full moon. During those nights, the sandy-headed boy had padded quietly out of the dorm room, wrapping a tartan blanket about his shivering form as he made his way to the window. Sirius had followed him, asking him why he had come down to this window instead of just looking out the dorm room window as he was normally likely to do. Remus had shrugged his thin shoulders, his face pale and lovely in the luminous nearly-full moonlight, and he had whispered, "You can't see the roses from the dorm room. You can't see the moon kiss the flowers from there." Sirius remembered the soft, heartbreaking longing evident in that sweet, youthful voice. He remembered how in a sudden rush of sentiment, he had smiled and hugged his smaller friend, whispering into the soft, rumpled brown hair that now the moonlight kissed Remus in its unearthly glow so that he was even lovelier than those nightblooms. And he was. Remus... a moonbathed nightbloom of smooth skin and soft hair and large, warm, glowing eyes...

"Sirius, I thought you were going to wait for me in the our bed chamber," Remus whispered, his voice soft but still cutting through the gauzy curtain of memory and reverie that had swathed Sirius.

Sirius shook his head slightly and stepped closer, enfolding his lover within his arms as he slumped just slightly against him, sighing. "You were gone so long, Moony" he murmured, frowning slightly at the hint of petulant whine in his voice.

Remus chuckled against him. "I was gone for exactly one hour and three minutes -- not exactly an exceedingly long time."

"Yes,... but you said you'd be gone for less than an hour..."

"No, Padfoot, **you** said if I was not back in an hour, you would come down to Severus' chambers and.."

"And that's exactly where I was headed," Sirius huffed.

"I figured as much, love, which is why it's a good thing I found you here and headed you off. I don't think Severus is in any mood for further... ahhh... 'entertaining'," Remus answered smiling softly.

"Entertaining?? How the hell did you entertain him, Moony?" Sirius huffed, eyes sparking to silver lightning.

Remus stiffened and stood back slightly from his mate. "Now, Sirius... honestly, I should think that you know me better than that by now. It was a figure of speech, nothing more. You know I would never ..."

"I know, I know... I'm sorry, Remus. I.. well, I just am not entirely comfortable about the idea of you having to work so closely with **him**."

Remus smiled again and shook his head bemusedly. "I think you have made your point adamantly clear on that issue, love."

Sirius bit his lip and nodded, gazing down shamefaced.

Remus glanced past Sirius' shoulders and squeezed his arm. "Oh look, it's my rose window! I didn't even notice it when I passed here earlier, or perhaps something was missing and I didn't recognize it."

Remus moved to stand before the window, resting his hands against the cool glass as Sirius moved in behind him and wrapped his arms around his mate, nuzzling into his hair. "What's missing," he murmured idly, gently kissing the side of Remus' neck.

"When I passed here earlier, **you** were missing, all those nights you stood here with me... so it seemed somehow incomplete I suppose," Remus breathed, reaching one hand back to tangle in Sirius' silken hair.

Sirius smiled and sighed against Remus. He wanted so badly to know what he and Snape had discussed and he wanted to question Remus about the passage he had marked in the book, but he then decided he didn't want to break the perfect sweet stillness of this moment, so he kept blissfully quiet, no sounds to break that silence save for the whispery soft brush of lips against skin.


	9. 8

It was dark but not the deep, foreboding void that he feared, no... the night was alive with scent and sound that played along his senses with gossamer fingers teasing him to an almost unbearable sense of heightened awareness.

And...he was running, panting, the grass flowing beneath his loping paws, the wind whistling through long, course fur, the scent of cedar and oak and moss heavy in his nose. And he belonged here...a child of the night, a child of the forest, the moon's child running free beneath her luminous eye.

Beside him, below him, above him and all around him, permeating his existence it seemed, he smelled the other--his packmate, his love...the heartbeat beside his in the velvet night. He opened his throat howling his exultation, his freedom, his fierce love, to Mother Moon.

And then...another scent...oh...yes...and this one...so strong, so rich, so primal as it coursed through his nose and down through the red veins of blood, slipping into his very heart. Human. He howled again, his heart pounding within his chest as his heavy paws echoed that throbbing, pounding across the dewy grass, passing like a silent specter beside the cold, naked trees, flying over the tiny clumps of vegetation and fungus and rotting stumps, and he ran on and on, his mate howling and pounding beside him, urging him on, encouraging the kill...

_Yes, I will...I will kill for you, my love..._

And on he ran, the divine, decadent scent of human flesh spurring him faster and faster, till it felt his lungs would give out or explode in his narrow chest. But wait...there...there atop the hill, the human waits, a lonely dark figure huddled against the cold, robes sweeping futily over that beckoning flesh.

The human was **his** now...his for the taking, for devouring...and he leapt, a growl roaring and bursting forth from him as he landed in front of the human man, his furred back arching and bristling, the frothy saliva dripping from cruel fangs. And...he saw it, the fear, the utter horror, repulsion and inescapable fate that bound this unfortunate human soul to the cold ground, that bore that pale throat--victim to the daggers of wolf teeth.

He snarled once and leapt atop the man knocking him to the ground and he knew where to bite, where to attack, where to devour first...and then...oh...then...a muffled, garbled scream from the pitiful, thrashing black-haired, long-nosed creature below him as he sank his teeth into the heavenly flesh, slaking his terrible thirst with the fountain of scarlet, sweet, life-giving blood, and he growled contentedly, lapping at the fountain, burying his coarse, quivering muzzle in the wet, warm gore...

"Ahhh!! No...no...NO!!" Sirius bolted up in bed, his heart pounding, senses on overload, body tensed.

Beside him there was movement, and with a low growl, Sirius leapt to the ground, crouching, his teeth flashing white in the darkened bed chamber as he growled.

"Sirius..." Remus' voice--breathless and panting as Remus untangled his nude form from the bed linens and crouched down beside his upset mate.

Sirius blinked, gradually coming back to his human awareness. Remus...and now Remus knelt beside him, his body and hair sweat- soaked and gleaming in the pale light of the crescent moon.

Remus reached out slowly and touched Sirius' hair, and Sirius whimpered and crawled to his lover's feet and reached up for him, twining long, damp arms around Remus' sweat-sheened waist, as he pressed his head to his chest, hearing Remus' heart--pounding just as hard and fast as his own.

Remus closed his eyes and ran one hand through Sirius' wet hair, the other reaching around to hold his lover tighter to him. He leaned in and whispered, voice soft but firm, "Just a dream, Padfoot. Only a nightmare..."

Sirius shook his head against Remus. "No...no, Moony...not of Azkaban this time..."

"I know, Sirius. You dreamt of the night, the forest, the moonhunt...the kill..."

Sirius pulled his head back, swallowing hard. "Aye...and...is this what...I mean, have you ever had such a dream? Is this what it was like for you at school when you would wake up screaming and terrified and covered in sweat?"

"Yes, Sirius. It is. Now you know. And...you were always there to comfort me.."

"Just as you are doing for me now."

Remus nodded. "Let's get back into bed, shall we?"

Sirius swallowed again and ran one hand back through his sweat-soaked hair, as he crawled back into the warm cocoon. Remus slipped in behind him, twining arms and legs comfortingly around his lover. He lay his tawny head on Sirius' shoulder, and buried his own head in the black silk of Sirius' hair, muffling his rich voice, as he murmured, "That was my dream, Sirius. You dreamt my nightmare. I am so sorry."

"No, Remus, it...no, it was my dream. You...you were there in fact, I smelt you hunting beside me. You...you wanted me to...to..."

"To kill him," Remus whispered.

Sirius grew still in his arms and Remus sighed, closing his eyes as he nuzzled for a moment into Sirius' neck. "Sirius, listen to me. I think I should explain something to you, but...well, I'm rather afraid that it won't be pleasant to hear."

"Tell me." Sirius' pleaded, his voice husky and urgent.

Remus exhaled loudly and held on tighter to Sirius. "Alright then... well, I'll just out with it, shall I?"

Sirius nodded.

Remus sighed again and licked his lips before he whispered, "The man in the dream is Severus. The wolf is myself. You are the mate. I have been dreaming this for many long years now..."

"Oh...oh no, Remus...since...since the Whomping Willow, since I..." Sirius breathed, trying to turn in Remus' arms, but Remus held him fast.

"Shh...Siri...calm down. I've grown quite use to that particular nightmare, and in fact, I haven't had it in years. I suppose seeing Severus again, feeling the hatred and contempt and fear he still feels for me has reawakened all of my old insecurities and fears, hence the dream..."

"But, Remus, I don't understand. In the dream, **I** was the wolf, not you. I felt everything, I saw everything with my own eyes."

"Yes, you experienced exactly what I was experiencing, Sirius. It's...well, you could call it a by-product of the lycanthropy, if you will, though that sounds rather too clinical for what it really is. It's a sort of mind link really. Quite rare actually, though it is often written about in werewolf lore. Most of the time, those tales are bollocks, however...there are times, when the two werewolves in question are a mated pair, as well as sire and new wolf, and...sometimes in those rare instances, with the bond being so strong, a mental bond--a link, some call it the lupine soul link-- is formed between the two."

"So...that's what I did, Remus? I have this link with you? I dreamt your dream?"

"My nightmare, yes."

Sirius grew still and pondered over the concept in his mind. He rather liked the idea of being even more fully bonded with Remus-- surprisingly, the mental/soul link did not bother him in the slightest. He was instead comforted by it. All of those cold, bitter, lonely years in Azkaban had made him crave kinship again, and more than anything, he craved Remus' love and the intimacy he shared with his mate. Still...one thing about the dream did trouble him...

"Remus...why, why did you dream that I wanted you to kill Snape... oh...Merlin's bollocks...don't answer that..."

Remus sighed against Sirius again and kissed his shoulder as he whispered, voice soft, hovering on the air, "I'm so sorry, Sirius."

"No, you don't have anything to apologize for, Moony. Years ago... I'm sure to you it did appear as if I was using you to kill Snape, that I wanted to use you as my weapon of destruction...god...no, **I** am the one who should be falling on bended knee and pleading for your forgiveness, just as I did all those years ago."

"No! Stop it, Sirius. I will not have you uttering such talk. We settled this years ago. I'll not have you dredging it up again."

"But you dreamt it, Remus, so it's still inside you, love," Sirius protested, trying again to turn over and face Remus, but to no avail.

Remus bit his lip, jaw tightening. "I know that, Padfoot. But...as I said, I think it is only seeing Severus again...and...yes, perhaps also seeing his hatred and contempt and also seeing your hatred and contempt for him--it just all came together in my mind, my subconscious and manifested in the nightmare. It's nothing more than that."

"Remus, please let me roll over. I need to see your face," Sirius begged.

Remus regretfully relinquished his hold on his mate and Sirius turned toward him, his face shining and pale in the moonlight, hair falling like sable satin around his face, and Remus was struck again by his utter beauty. He reached up, long fingers playing along the curve of Sirius' cheekbones, beneath those diamond, star-bright eyes.

Sirius smiled and reached up, taking Remus' hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed the palm gently and stared into Remus' melting, liquid-gold eyes--the most gorgeous eyes he had ever seen--if eyes were the window to the soul, as it was sometimes said, then people had to look no further than into Remus Lupin's amber eyes to see his vibrant, good, golden soul.

Sirius kissed Remus' palm again and murmured. "It would mean a lot to you if I tried to get along or at least not provoke confrontation with Snape, wouldn't it?"

Remus smiled his familiar, sweet, poignant smile as he nodded. "Yes, love, it would. Could you do that for me? We do need his help. And... I need your help as well. Please, do this for me."

Sirius sighed and pulled Remus into his arms, nuzzling his face into Remus' soft-scented, tawny silvered hair. "I will do my best. No guarantees, Moony, you know me, love. But I will **try** , I promise you."

"That's all I ask, Padfoot, is that you try. Thank you, love."

Sirius pulled Remus up to him, desperate to look into that gorgeous face of wild, fey beauty. He smiled and stroked a heavy curl of silvery brown hair back from Remus' forehead. He nodded. "I will." Then he pulled Remus down to him, taking those rich, salty-sweet lips with his own, drowning in the bliss of this moment of sweet respite.

~~+~~

Severus stood rigidly at the large pewter cauldron, shoulders aching slightly as he languidly stirred the bubbling liquid. The fierce gleam in his eyes was the only thing to betray the precise, calculative nature of such an action. Quietly, Remus slipped into the unlocked room, aware that classes had just let out and not wishing to disturb the wizard's concentration. Severus seemed oblivious to his presence as he focused on his chore, continuing to stir, obsidian eyes alight with some secret eagerness.

Remus took note of how truly devilish his old schoolmate could appear at times, the orangey fire from the wall sconces bathing his features in a sharp contrast of golden light and intense shadow. Perhaps it was an effect of the lighting, but the gleam in those typically dull eyes was chilling. Remus suppressed a shudder.

"You're early..." Snape's familiar, deep voice drawled, not ever once looking up from his current task. Remus suspected he'd heard him enter, perhaps stolen a quick glance as he'd come in.

"Yes, err...it's five till. I **do** like to be prompt." When the potions master said nothing, he quickly added, "If I'm disturbing something, I could come back..."

When he again received no answer, he turned to leave. He was halfway to the door when Severus spoke again.

"Leaving so soon, Lupin?"

Remus paused and turned around slowly, calmly meeting Severus' level gaze. "We have work to do." He gestured toward the cauldron. "I haven't spent my entire free afternoon brewing this god-awful concoction simply for the pure joy of it."

Remus wanted to press that Severus did, in fact, thoroughly enjoy brewing potions and that he was certain he'd find some use for it if not for what it was originally intended, but he held his tongue. He **needed** Severus' help. Arguing would only complicate matters.

"Of course," Remus said graciously as he moved far enough into the room to peer at the bubbling, frothing concoction that boiled therein. He instantly recognized the sickly green tint--he'd beheld its greatness far too many times for his liking. Somehow, it had always reminded him of spoiled pea soup.

"The last and most important ingredient," Severus' voice was laced with superiority and also a hint of fascination. He held up the small packet of leaves as if they were a priceless antique, and in a way, they were. Aconite was very hard to come by nowadays. With the rising population of werewolves--although their known numbers were still few--many of the plants in the surrounding areas had been dug up, clean down to the roots. The Apothecary in Hogsmeade had stopped selling the leaves long ago, so he'd had to resort to Borgin & Burkes in Knockturn Alley. Showing his face in that place was a constant risk, seeing as how many Death Eaters frequented the neighborhood, which made him all the more bitter about the idea.

_If only he knew the jeopardy I put myself through just to make this sodding potion. He should be eternally grateful for my services..._

He flashed Remus a resentful scowl as he quickly crushed the leaves with his mortar and pestle and then scattered them into the bubbling liquid. Instantly, the room was flooded with a fowl stench, the likes of which were unmatched by anything in the wizarding world. Remus held his nose, fighting back the waves of nausea that had already begun to well up within. For he knew that the Wolfsbane potion tasted just as horrible as it smelled, and he was not looking forward to supping on it anytime soon. Severus screwed up his face, but appeared otherwise oblivious to the potion's effects. Remus figured he'd been brewing the draught far too long to properly care about its odor any longer.

"It needs to brew for another hour, and then I will divide it into doses." Snape said very clinically. He turned sharply, his back toward the boiling cauldron, and strode to his desk, robes catching the slight breeze of his movement and billowing out behind him. Remus stared for a moment, motionless as Severus sat down, opening a rather large old book.

"Let's get started then, shall we? I have papers to grade this evening."

Remus cleared his throat and moved forward, taking up the armchair he'd favored the previous night. There was currently no fire in the hearth, and he felt a chill wash over him, causing him to shiver. "Right," he said with conviction, though there was a wrenching at his heart, a feeling of foreboding he could not shake. He'd been searching so long for cures--to his own lycanthropy, to Sirius' current state, to the destiny of his own soul. Perhaps he no longer wanted to hear the answers. What if there was nothing to be done? Worse yet, what if there was and the price proved to be too high? He took a breath, calming himself and leaned forward to glance upon the book Severus was perusing.

He allowed his gaze to flicker over the words for a moment, catching snippets of healing draughts and love potions and unnamable curses.

"This is a Dark Arts book," he said at length.

Severus rose his head and looked into his eyes for a moment. Remus wanted to whither under that piercing gaze, but he held himself upright, challenging his peer with expressive amber eyes.

"It is a very useful **tool** ," the other man said defensively.

"Right, of course. I didn't mean to imply--"

"If not for this book, Lupin, there would be no alternatives to your little... **predicament**..." He spoke the last word as if it were venom upon his tongue, and Remus shivered. "You know as well as I," Snape continued, eyes flicking down to take in the sight of the fraying robes that hung from Remus' lithe, thin frame. "that solutions are far and few between."

Remus swallowed and nodded. "Yes, which is why Dumbledore suggested I come to you in the first place. "Because you know of things which many of us are not aware." The truth of just **why** and **how** Severus knew these things remained unspoken, yet it floated on the air between them, creating a thick tension that hung over them both.

"Yes, the Dark Lord showed me many things," Severus' voice was haunting, eyes drawing into themselves as he was caught in a fit of remembrance. After a moment, he shook himself. "A werewolf **is** a monster," he said very matter-of-factly, and Remus flinched inwardly. "A creature possessed of Dark Magic. There is no way to cure the darkness of a tainted soul. However..." Remus leaned forward just a bit, enraptured by the promise in that dark tone. "there might be a way... **around** it."

Remus swallowed. "A...around?"

Severus put on his best professorial face, which basically consisted of a fierce, penetrating gaze, mouth twisted into a serious scowl. "Lupin, have you heard of the Draught of Living Death?"

Remus licked his lips and Severus shifted slightly. "Yes. It's a sleeping potion..."

"An extremely **powerful** sleeping potion." Severus folded his long pale fingers in his lap, watching Remus intently. "It can render the drinker so completely lifeless that their heart stops beating altogether...their lungs no longer take in breath."

Remus just stared at him, trying to decipher exactly what Snape was implying by suggesting this potion.

"It is very dangerous, however, and if used improperly--or if allowed to remain in a person's system for too long without the counter mixture, he or she will cease to live altogether."

Remus thought he could see where this conversation was leading now. "So you're suggesting that I...but I thought you were against the idea of taking my own life."

Severus' face turned up into a very disquieting smile. "Oh, but that is only the **beginning** of my plan..."

~~+~~

Remus ran down the dark, empty corridors of the dungeons, resisting the urge to break things. The wolf inside was thrashing in its mental cage, angry, fierce and more than a little bit frightened.

Kill the wolf? How could Snape **suggest** such a thing? It was unnerving the ease with which he described his plan, eyes glittering brightly with anticipation. There was no way Remus could do this to Sirius--no possible way! And yet...he knew that it was really the only alternative he had left.

But what if Snape's plan didn't go off as expected? What if something went wrong? Placing his own fate and that of the one he loved in their adversary's hands was something that Remus was loath to do. He wasn't so concerned with his own soul--for that was already damned-- but for Sirius' future. His mate still had a chance--it was very slim, yes, but it existed. And while Remus still had life in his body, he would protect Sirius from suffering the same fate he was now bound to.

His fingers curled into fists as he rushed down the darkened hallway, heart and mind screaming with newfound agony and defeat, and yet, he refused to give up. If what Severus had told him was true--if this was indeed the only way, then so be it.

He let out a sharp cry as the wolf within once again protested strongly, sending him to his knees. An internal conflict was raging between the human and the wolf, the dread and the certainty, the knowledge of what was right and the desire to forgo that and do what was most assuredly wrong.

He curled up on the cold stone floor, tears flowing down his cheeks, heart wrenching. He was afraid...so very afraid. And yet, deep down, he knew what it was he must do.


	10. 9

Orange flames reflected, sparking in liquid silvery shadowed eyes as Sirius sat staring into the flames of the Gryffindor commonroom fireplace as he waited for Harry to join him. He swallowed nervously, dreading the necessary but rather humiliating talk that would ensue.

Being back in the painfully familiar room assaulted his psyche with echoes of the past that flickered in and out of his mind, flitting with the tangible bits of memory he had managed to salvage during his imprisonment.

It surprised him very little that the traces of memory he had retained mostly had to do with his mate.

~~ He could see him now... young Remus, the wounded innocent with large haunted eyes that betrayed his pain even as he tried to stoically cover it up with his usual placid calm. Sirius could see James and himself having a fierce game of one-upmanship as they sat before the fire, hair copperlicked as they changed Remus' bandages the night after he was released from one of his numerous infirmary visits even as the smaller boy fretted that he could do so for himself.

James shook his messy head, fire reflecting in his spectacle lenses, "No, Moony, you can't reach this sodding bandage on your back. Now hold still and I'll change it. Mr. Padfoot here fancies himself a regular mediwizard, but, we both know that he couldn't take the temp of a flobberworm, so you better let me do this delicate task."

"Piss off, Hornhead!" Sirius had retorted. "It's a bleeding bandage change -- not exactly a surgical matter! Besides, Remus knows I can heal. I've helped him before. I have the hands of a healer. Don't I, Moony?"

Remus had flushed scarlet and smiled before finally murmuring, "Yes, you have very fine hands indeed, Sirius."

Sirius had turned a gloating smile up at his bespectacled friend who had snorted and pulled away, turning Remus over unto his belly before Sirius. "Fine then. You do it, Oh Hypocritical Wonder..."

Remus' voice murmured, muffled by the thick rug, "I believe you mean, 'Hippocratic Wonder', Prongs."

"Hypocrite! I am not a hypocrite! Never have been, never will be! You can both suck it!" Sirius stormed, launching suddenly to his feet.

James and Remus had both turned surprised faces up at him and Sirius had flushed hotter, ashamed of his temperamental outburst. "I... errr... sorry... I should not have maybe been so adamant about that but... well, I may be alot of things, but hypocritical I am not."

Remus had blinked his wide amber eyes up at Sirius and bit his lip before finally saying, "Actually, Sirius, we didn't mean to imply you were a hypocrite at all. Hippocrites was a Greek physician. Muggle physicians take the Hippocratic oath when they begin their medical practices. I believe James just got a little confused on his references."

James flushed at that and smiled sheepishly as he nodded. "Mr. Moony is indeed correct in his assumption. Mr. Prongs begs the forgiveness of Mr. Padfoot for offending his very fine sensibilities with an inaccurate and insulting reference."

Sirius smiled then, his face beaming and silverstorm eyes glinting with his usual genial good humour. He bowed low before James and Remus. "Mr. Padfoot graciously accepts the apology and, in turn, begs forgiveness of his amicable mates for his outburst and his ill-mannered and crude suggestion that they apply lips and tongue suction purposes to..."

"Ahhh! I believe that Mr. Prongs and Mr. Moony understand your point, Mr. Padfoot. Pray do not enlighten us any further with your shocking and deplorably coarse statements," James chuckled, holding up his hand.

"But, perhaps Mr. Prongs is the only offended party herein. Mr. Moony, are you offended by my suggestion that you 'suck it'?" Sirius asked, laughter still burning bright in his eyes.

Remus had rolled his eyes, blushing again, but he had surprised both of his friends by then winking as he joked, "Mr. Moony is not offended and in fact, at the risk of sounding egotistic, believes he would probably be adept at such salacious matters -- not that either of his two friends would ever be the recipient of such."

James had laughed but Sirius had stared wide-eyed at his normally shy friend who so teasingly had effectively stolen all thoughts from Sirius' adolescent head, save thoughts of erotic oral matters. The tall sable-headed boy had simply smiled a bit wanly and turned Remus around toward the fire and away from his crimson face and suddenly ill-fitting pajamas as he bit his full bottom lip trying desperately to concentrate on the smooth pale skin of Remus' back and the weeping bandages that needed changing,... rather than letting his mind wander over the delicious thoughts of Remus' jokey boast of his oral expertise.

~~ "Hullo, Sirius."

Harry's greeting startled Sirius from his reminiscence. He jerked a bit and flushed when he saw Harry standing there, a bemused smile spreading across his lips.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you," Harry grinned as he lowered himself unto the couch beside his godfather.

Sirius laughed and scrubbed his hands back through his hair. "Oh, no, that's fine. I was just... just remembering when I used to spend long hours here with your dad and Remus." He smiled and rolled his eyes. "Listen to me! And I would have sworn that I would never become one of those pathetic old geezers constantly prattling on about the 'glory days'."

Harry smiled and leaned back against the couch, chuckling lightly as he rested his ankle atop his knee. He gazed at Sirius with inscrutable green eyes. "Actually, I like hearing about my father and you and Remus back in the 'good old wizarding' days of yore."

"Yore is it?!" Sirius laughed,"you just wait, you wizard whippersnapper! One day, your son will be sitting at your knee wanting to hear about those long, long, long ago days in the mists of time when you attended Hogwarts!"

Harry laughed and Sirius smiled, feeling a surge of affection well up in him as he gazed at the young man before him. In Harry's infectious smile and easy laugh Sirius recognized James' exuberance and lust for life, in his appraising but concerned gaze Sirius saw Lily's perceptive understanding; Harry's polite manners and empathy reflected Remus' subtle influence, and perhaps in the set of the young wizard's firm jaw and his casual sprawl across the couch Sirius saw his own confidence and determination echoed there.

Sirius blinked and turned to stare at the fire again as he murmured, "Harry, I need to talk with you about something .... something important that has ... errr... occurred."

"Okay," Harry said leaning forward a bit.

Sirius nodded and worried at his lip a bit, chewing it thoughtfully as he pondered over the best way to tell his rather shocking news with his godson.

"It's about Remus and I..." Sirius began, his face immediately heating and not from the flickering flame of the fire before him.

"Oh no... you two didn't... you didn't have a row, did you? I mean, you're still together, aren't you?" Harry asked, concern and worry evident in his deep youthful voice.

Sirius couldn't help but chuckle at that. He leaned forward clasping his hands together, resting his elbows on his knees, as he stared more intensely into the flames -- dancing together orange and yellow and deep red. He smiled and shook his head again musing. "Oh yes, of course, Harry. In fact, you could say we're closer now than ever before."

"That's wonderful though, isn't it?" Harry asked in a thoroughly perplexed voice.

Sirius narrowed his eyes, brow furrowing a bit, humour fading as quickly as it had come on him. "Yes, Harry, in many respects it is, but... there is more to it than that."

Harry gasped suddenly and Sirius turned to look into the green eyes widened in understanding behind the spectacles. _Ahh yes, Harry... smart lad. You know, don't you?_

Harry opened his mouth and leaned forward to whisper, "Are you... I mean... have you become...a.."

"Werewolf, Harry. Yes, I'm afraid I ...err... well, I have contracted lycanthropy. I ... I'm sorry."

"How?" Harry gasped, "Not from Remus surely? He's told me innumerable times that his two greatest fears are his fear of killing another human being and his fear of making another werewolf. He couldn't... or rather, he **wouldn't** ,... would he?... I don't understand."

Sirius flushed again and stood up, rubbing his palms nervously against his robes as he began slowly pacing in front of the fire. "Where are the rest of your mates? They're not due to come storming in anytime soon, are they?" Sirius asked.

"No... no, I don't think so," Harry murmured, staring in undisguised surprise at his godfather.

Sirius nodded and turned to briefly glance at Harry. In that face, so like James' beloved face, he saw surprise and curiosity but... no repulsion, no aversion to the news that had just fallen on his ears. This offered Sirius some consolation so he began pacing again and swallowed heavily, preparing to speak, but Harry interrupted him.

"So... it **was** Remus then? Remus bit you, Sirius? How? Why? How did it happen?"

"Well... err...you see it was ... well, it was rather my fault, though Remus insists on taking equal if not more than his share of the blame.." Sirius muttered before Harry interrupted him.

"Yes, well, he did bite you," Harry answered. Sirius jerked his head up, a flare of irrational anger surging for a second in him at Harry's comment. Everyone was so quick to blame Remus. But, as he stared into those luminous green eyes, he saw not resentment, not anger but simple truth. Yes, Remus had indeed bitten him, and Harry was just reiterating that fact.

Still Harry seemed to feel the need to explain. His cheeks flushed a bit as he shrugged, "I don't mean to imply that it is solely Remus' fault in any way, of course. I ... I just mean, I'm sure that he does blame himself as he was the one who ...err... **did it** , the bite I mean."

Sirius nodded. "Yes. He does blame himself. You should have seen him the morning after it happened. It shattered him, Harry. I've never seen him so broken in all of my life, except for... err... anyway.."

"Except for when my parents died," Harry finished succinctly, his face darkening a bit.

Sirius hung his head and nodded, "Yeah, except for then. Both times I thought the pain would kill him. The first time I ... oh, it was awful there was nothing I could do. They were dragging me away and I was screaming at Remus, trying to tell him what happened, but, he seemed so lost, utterly devastated and alone in the world. He had fallen to his knees in a small yard across from your parents' home... or... forgive me... what was left of it. He was just crying and clinging to the side of a tree, scrabbling at the bark so deep his fingers were red and running with blood. It was horrible to see. I never wanted to see him that destroyed again, and yet... once again, I invited ruin upon him."

Harry stood up and crossed to Sirius' side. He reached out and held his godfather's forearm in a tight grip. "No, Sirius, I doubt that. I know you love him. And I know you would never do that to Remus. That's why I want to know what happened. Please. Tell me. Are you able to?"

Sirius groaned and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes as he nodded. "Yeah, Harry... I can, but... well, it's... rather personal. Are you sure you want to hear this?"

A faint flicker of emotion crossed Harry's face and in it Sirius recognized the familiar look of amused discomfort that he had seen pass over James' features so many times when his bespectacled friend had accidentally wandered into a personal moment between Sirius and Remus. Harry smiled faintly, his cheeks reddening, but he nodded. "Yeah, I mean... you can spare me the... the errr... explicit details but.." he trailed off and simply nodded.

Sirius smiled and felt his cheeks enflame again as he took breath to speak. "Alright then... well, you see, the evening of the full moon two months ago, before the moon arose, mind you, I ... err... Cor! This is bloody humiliating."

Harry's eyes widened a bit and he turned to face the fire. "Would it be easier if I look this way as you talk."

Sirius snorted. "Yes, actually... yes, that would be easier."

Harry nodded and stared resolutely into the flames.

Sirius inhaled deeply and exhaled loudly, puffing out his cheeks, before he began pacing again behind Harry. He finally decided that he should just out with it. Just say it and be done with it. "Yes, well, okay, basically, we were both... a bit aroused and ... we began... you know. We were together and... errr.. things got a bit more heated than is the norm ... or sometimes not.... but... god... nevermind that. Anyway... yes... so... things got a bit intense and the moon came out and Remus' affectionate love bite became something else entirely."

"And you're sure now that you're **infected** , or .... I mean..." Harry began.

"Yes," Sirius interrupted. "It's okay, it is rather a sort of infection in a sense, or so Remus sometimes views it. And yes, I am quite certain. I have already been through one transformation. Last month."

"I see," Harry murmured. "What are you going to do?"

Sirius began pacing again, his nerves clenching into a tight ball at the inevitable question. "I don't know, Harry. I don't know. That's why we're here now. Dumbledore... and... Snape," he spat the last word and paced before composing himself a bit more and finishing. "They are trying to help us."

"Snape knows," Harry said, eyes staring intently ahead of him.

"Yes, he knows. Why?"

Harry nodded. "Well, he's probably your best bet if you're trying to find a cure. That is what you're doing, right?"

Sirius nodded and Harry continued. "Snape probably knows more about that stuff than even Remus. I've been in his rooms before when he wasn't there." Harry flushed brightly as Sirius chuckled and pounded him on the back.

"Ah! There's your father's marauding spirit! Good to see it thriving in the new generation!"

Harry smiled and continued, "Yeah, ... I have seen loads of books on lycanthropy in his rooms. He seems obsessed by it."

Sirius snorted. "Why does that not surprise me?"

Harry nodded and then turned to bestow a sage look on his godfather. "Sirius, **is** there a cure?"

Sirius grew still and he faced Harry, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "I don't know, Harry. I really don't. But... we're going to find out. Remus seems to think there is, but he's not telling me what is involved in said cure hypotheses. Say, ... you don't know German, do you?"

Harry wrinkled his brow. "No, I'm afraid not. Why?"

Sirius shook his head. "No matter. Just wondering."

A silence fell between the two men as both were lost in their own contemplations. Finally Harry broke the silence, "May I help you, Sirius? I may be able to do something. I don't know what, but... I'd like to help if I may."

Sirius smiled. "You're a good lad, Harry. Your father and mother would be very proud of you. Yes, I would appreciate your help very much. And... I appreciate your understanding, as will Remus."

Harry smiled at that and shrugged. "Well, of course, I mean, with as much as I've witnessed over the years, this situation of a lycanthropic godfather and his mate is not the sort of thing to send me screaming off to St. Mungo's."

Sirius felt his throat tighten and he smiled and nodded and drew his godson into a hearty embrace, pounding him on the back.

Harry laughed and extricated himself, rubbing his back lightly. "Ahh yes, I feel that werewolf strength already!"

Sirius chuckled and Harry smiled in return before asking, "You know, Hermione would probably be a great help as well. Should we recruit her assistance in this?"

"NO!" Sirius said, face flushing brighter than the flames behind him. "No, **please** , Harry, don't tell Hermione or Ron or anyone else about this..."

At Harry's bubbling laughter, Sirius stared and asked, "What? Why are you laughing? Why you little git! You were teasing me just then, weren't you? Yeah, yeah, very funny. Tease the poor worn-down werewolf, why don't you? Very good sport, that!"

"Actually, I think it would be more like the **wanton** werewolf, wouldn't you say," Harry joked back.

Sirius rolled his eyes and slipped his arm around his godson's shoulder, "No, now see... **that** would be Remus, not myself. That's how we got into this little predicament."

"Oh, I see! Remus is the wanton werewolf and you're the horny dog that seduced him!"

"Alrigh' there, young buck son of James, that's enough of that, you!" Sirius chuckled, his heart lightening at this tension-reducing miracle of laughter and understanding that he shared with Harry.

~~+~~

Sirius' burdened heart felt a great deal lighter as he strolled through the torch lit halls that led to his room, humming contentedly to himself. His conversation with Harry had gone much better than he'd anticipated. He'd expected the boy to react severely--perhaps with anger or heartbreak. It was a real testament of his likeness to James that he'd remained calm when confronted with the horrific details set before him. He had grown into quite the understanding, sincere young man. Sirius flashed a bittersweet smile at this notion, knowing without a doubt that Harry would have made James proud. Like his father, Harry didn't like to sugar coat things. While it hadn't really desensitized him, the war with Voldemort had convinced him of the importance of facts. To become overly emotional in times of crises did nothing to aid their resolution. But although Harry had learned to become a strategist of sorts, he remained a very sensitive and compassionate young man--traits that reminded Sirius so much of his deceased best friend. Harry had always been upfront with him and Remus, and so he'd resolved himself to be straightforward with his godson as well.

Still, it had been extremely difficult to come clean to Harry about the true nature of his relationship with Remus. But that had been nothing compared to his fears of how the boy would react to the news of his lycanthropy and exactly **how** he'd contracted the curse.

He could only breathe a sigh of relief and be glad that Harry had been so kind and comforting in response to the news. He knew that deep down, the thought of it all was eating away at the boy. There was a profound sincerity in those emerald eyes that so closely reflected the passion in Remus' amber depths. He vowed to himself that he would do what he could to remedy this situation. He wanted so badly to take away the pain that both his lover and godson had been forced to endure on account of his condition.

Not only was Remus caught up in guilt and self-loathing at the idea that he'd made another like himself--tempered even higher by the fact that it was his one greatest love--but there was also an underlying sadness that spoke of shattered hope. Sirius hated to see his mate this way--a shadow of the man he'd finally learned to become once again in the long months and years following their reunion. When they'd found one another again at last, it was as though the two of them had been offered a new beginning--a new chance to get it right. But now, it seemed as though everything was reverting to bad times once again. Perhaps life was just one big, cruel cosmic joke, and he and Remus were trapped inside with no visible way out. But no, he wouldn't -- he **couldn't** \-- allow himself to think like that. They would get through this somehow, whatever it took.

He was also painfully aware of Remus' deep concern regarding Harry and how he would take to the news of what had happened. Like Sirius, he loved the boy as if he were his own son, and the thought that Harry might be angry or resentful toward him for what he'd done to his godfather tore him up inside. Even worse for Remus was the idea that perhaps Harry would blame or even hate **Sirius**. He had to smile a bit at the thought. Remus was so self-sacrificing. How could he **ever** think himself a bad person? Just the idea that he was far less concerned with his own feelings than those of the ones he cared about proved that he was much more deserving of happiness than he'd ever give himself credit for.

What a joy it was for Sirius to know that he could now dissolve some of the worry and trepidation that Remus kept bottled up inside of himself. Harry wasn't angry--in fact, he had proven to be nothing but supportive. He wanted to help them in any way he possibly could. Sirius couldn't help but grin as he pictured James' face the day that Remus had finally decided to discuss his lycanthropy with them. Of course, Remus didn't have much of a choice at that point--his friends had found him in an awful state fleeing the Whomping Willow, and there was very little doubt as to what had caused his injuries. Still, Sirius had been a bit worried about the reactions James and Peter might have to the news. He'd become fiercely protective, determined to put them in their rightful places should they give Remus any problems. But, true to his character, James had smiled reassuringly, eyes twinkling as he quickly assured Remus that he would never leave him. And he never did--even when Sirius' own speculation was high, when his own suspicions and jealousies had gotten the best of him. James had been a friend to the end. He sighed at the memory, forcing the depressing thoughts from his brain, and instead focusing on the matter at hand.

"Remus," he called as he pulled open the door to his shared room and rushed inside. "Remus, guess what, I--" But the room was dark and deserted. Had Remus gone down to work with Severus in the dungeons? The thought made his blood boil. He still fiercely distrusted his old foe, and he didn't like the idea of the two of them alone together. A sneaking suspicion about Snape's true intentions still gripped him tightly and refused to let go.

With a quick glance around the room, he swept his robe from off the back of a chair and sauntered out the door, making his way swiftly to the colder, darker portion of the castle.

As he walked, he wrapped his arms around himself, falling prey to the chillness and damp of the lower regions of the dungeons. He mused to himself that it was quite fitting really for Severus to make his home in such a dank, dark and very cold place. It fit the hooked-nosed git to a tee.

It wasn't as if Sirius hadn't **tried** to be nice to the boy in their school years. But Severus had chosen to associate himself with all the wrong people--arrogant, malignant bastards like Lucius Malfoy and his daft but overly large cronies, Crabbe and Goyle. Knowing that there were miniature versions (if the beefy bodies of Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle could be considered such) of his old foes once again polluting the halls of Hogwarts made him shake his head ruefully. Poor Harry was forced to deal with a whole new generation of idiots.

Once Malfoy had graduated, Severus became somewhat of a loner. He was seen chatting with Evan Rosier on occasion as well as a few other various Slytherin boys, but most of the time Sirius saw him, he was on his own. Perhaps if it hadn't have been for his obnoxious attitude and the seemingly constant scowl on his pasty face, he and his friends would have left the boy alone. But Snape seemed to welcome trouble, and so they gave it to him, ten fold.

Sirius paused in his musings to find that he was now standing before a familiar thick, wooden door. He remembered this place from his own years as a schoolboy to be the potions classroom. Without bothering to knock, he barged into Snape's office, intent on catching him while doing something contentious.

The darkness within hurt his eyes and he squinted momentarily, trying to make out the dim silhouettes of shapes that were highlighted by only the faintest hint of candlelight. His lycanthropic senses kicked in rather quickly, however, and suddenly, he could see his surroundings with startling clarity. He stared from the bubbling cauldron to the wall sconces to the shelves upon shelves of books. Harry had been right--there were quite a few lycanthropic references among the spell books and potions manuals. He sniffed the air, picking up the faint scent of Wolfsbane and the smell of butane from the many torches. Severus was sitting rigidly at a small wooden desk. Several rolls of parchment were stacked neatly on one side, a quill covered with fresh ink laying directly beside them. Severus set his teacup down to gaze at Sirius irately.

"Is there some justification for your interference of my work and your intrusion of my private quarters?"

"Oh, don't hand me that shite, Snape! If I recall, it was **you** who intruded on **us** just the other night."

"Don't remind me." Snape stared at him, unwilling to allow himself to show any emotion at the comment. "In any case...I suppose you have decided to return the favor..."

"I'm **here** to find Remus." Sirius said firmly. "Where is he?"

"I'll be damned if I know, Black," Severus spoke in that very irritating, low drawl that Sirius had become so accustomed to over the past couple of weeks, his own name uttered with the slightest hint of venom. "What's the matter, can't even keep tabs on your own boyfriend? Or is that **my** responsibility now?"

Sirius did **not** like the sound of that. _It will **never** be **your** responsibility, you arrogant git. Remus is so much more than merely my boyfriend. He's my soul...but of course, a cast-off, egotistical prat like **you** wouldn't understand that..._

It was already proving to be a great battle to keep his promise to Remus and hold his tongue.

"I have no problems 'keeping tabs on my boyfriend', as you so elegantly put it. I was simply down having a chat with Harry, and when I returned, Remus wasn't in our room, so I figured he was here working on that dratted cure with **you**."

"Ahh yes...the Potter boy..." Snape rested his elbows on the desk, steepling his fingers in thought as he always did when enthralled by something. There was an oddly thrilled aspect in Severus' obsidian eyes, and it gave Sirius the creeps. "So you've explained to him the circumstances?"

"Of **course** I told him. He's my godson. He has a right to know..."

"Yes, of course..." Severus smiled maliciously. "And I assume he was rather...disconcerted at the news...?"

"Well, not that it's any of your business, but he took it rather better than I expected."

"Did he now...?" Some of the amusement had faded from the steady gaze.

"Sorry to disappoint you," Sirius said sourly. "But Harry is a very gifted boy. You would know that if you ever bothered to see past his scar." He took a deep breath, attempting to calm some of the raging nerves that were twisting within. He wouldn't get very far with Snape if he allowed his emotions to take control, and besides, he'd promised Remus. "Anyway, he was very open to the idea of finding a cure. He would like to help if at all possible."

Severus' face turned down into a scowl. "So very much like his father, James, isn't he?" His words were laced with malevolence and sarcasm. "So **valiant** and **stoic**...a boy who can do no wrong--"

"Shut up!" A surge of fierce protectiveness and pride overcame him suddenly. "Just shut up, Snape. You don't have a right to speak his name. He was so much better than you--better than **any** of us, and I won't allow you to speak of him in such a manner!"

Severus just stared at him for a moment before his mouth turned up into a cruel smile. "That temper still flares, I see. I suppose that's **one** thing you didn't lose in Azkaban, ey, Black?"

The desire to wrap his fingers around Severus' neck and squeeze as tightly as he could was nearly overwhelming. _Remember your promise to Remus..._ , he reminded himself.

"That's not all I've managed to retain..." He glanced down at himself for emphasis. "I've still got what counts. At least... **Remus** thinks so..."

A flash of something feral flickered in Snape's eyes, jaw set tightly as they stared one another down. But Sirius, stubborn as always, wasn't about to back down and allow Severus the advantage. Instead, he glared with all of his might, until finally, Snape relented and lowered his eyes.

"Was there something you needed, Black? Because if not, you're wasting my valuable time. I have papers to grade."

Heart hammering with rage, Sirius balled up his fists, casting a deadly look at his old school rival. "There is **nothing** I need from you--absolutely nothing."

_Oh, I wouldn't say that..._ Snape thought deviously as Sirius turned to go. He knew for a fact that very soon, Sirius would be needing him more than he could ever know. The thought was both repulsive and invigorating. It was a strange comfort to know that his arrogant, bigheaded arch-nemesis was forced to depend solely on him for the state of his health, and perhaps even for his lover's very life.

Sirius was so angry as he stormed toward the door, that he didn't notice when a small square object fell from the pocket of his robes. Severus rose to peer at it, and his face lit up with glee.

"I believe you dropped something."

Sirius turned around swiftly, wondering what kind of prank Severus might be pulling, but when he saw the object in his hand, he reached out to snatch it.

Severus pulled it away, holding it just out of his grasp. "Tsk, tsk..." he smiled menacingly. "Just what do we have here?"

"Hasn't anyone ever told you to keep your greasy hands off of things that don't belong to you?"

Snape tapped it with his wand, muttered a spell word, and it grew to its normal size. He was surprised to find the object was actually quite heavy. He stared at the cracked leather binding, frowning in the candlelight as he attempted to decipher the faded gold lettering.

"That book belongs to Remus. Now give it back!" Sirius protested as Snape continued to study the dusty old cover.

"Ahh yes...'Fluch des Wolfdaemon'...'Curse of the Wolfdemon"..."

Sirius eyed him suspiciously for a moment. "Wait...since when can you read German?"

"I've been proficient in German for the last ten years," he said with a slight air of superiority. "One must learn these things when dealing with so many elements and spells for potions. Most people don't realize how detailed and delicate the art of potions making really is..."

Sirius was growing steadily impatient. "Yes, yes, I'm sure it's all really fascinating. But if you're so smart, then tell me what the book says."

"You mean..." Snape's eyes lit up with excitement as he gazed up into Sirius' defiant face. "Lupin hasn't yet **told** you...?" Oh, this was going to be absolutely priceless.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Tell me **what** exactly?"

Smiling smugly, Severus leafed through the crumbling, discolored pages, his long pale fingers scanning over the words until they came to rest at last. With a final triumphant glance at Sirius, he began to read.

"'Der Fluch des unschuldigen Geschöpfs kann am Tod gebrochen werden. Jedoch einmal gebildet worden ein Alpha -- sobald das Blut eines Menschen seine Lippen berührt hat, gibt es keine Hoffnung für die Seele der werewolfs. Er bleibt verflucht. Sogar im Tod, wird seine Seele während aller Ewigkeit verdammt.'"

"Well...what the **hell** does **that** mean!?" Sirius despised the anxious amusement in Severus' eyes.

"The curse of the innocent creature may be broken at death. However, once made an alpha--once the blood of a human has touched his lips, there is no hope for the werewolf's soul. He will remain cursed. Even in death, his soul is damned for all eternity."

Sirius could do nothing but stare for a moment, attempting to digest the words Snape had just spoken. Was it true? Was Remus really damned for eternity now that he'd created another? His heart began to race and his stomach clenched painfully at the very idea. Was this just a sick joke on the part of Severus? But no...there was a look of sincerity behind that smug expression.

"No..." he whispered, pain and anger and betrayal rushing through his veins. "No, it can't be..."

All traces of humor had faded now from Severus' face. Although he took a sort of twisted delight in watching Black suffer, he was not completely without compassion. In truth, the thought of losing such a highly intelligent and gifted mind to the fate of a curse was a rather dismal prospect.

"I'm afraid it is," he said quietly.

Sirius closed his eyes, finally giving in to despair.


	11. 10

" **Remus**!!" Sirius' voice bellowed so loudly that it echoed all the way down the hall. It was a good thing that classes were long over, as should this have taken place only hours earlier, the entire corridor would have soon been filled with the shocked faces and excited whispers of many curious students come to sneak a peak at the enraged ex-convict.

Sirius could literally feel his blood boil as he stormed through the passageway, boots clacking loudly against the rough stone, forming a sharp cadence that matched every labored breath. He was so very angry--but with exactly **whom** or **what** was he so infuriated?

He was upset at life. Hadn't the two of them been through enough already? When would they ever be given the recompense they so deserved? He was mad at Severus--he loathed him in fact, for imparting upon him the details of Remus' condition. He shouldn't have been forced to hear these words from a man he so despised-- someone who would revel in the idea of causing him pain. No...he should have heard it from Remus himself. Weren't they, after all, lovers? Didn't they share their deepest worries and darkest secrets? Hadn't they been through enough in their lives together to constitute complete honesty? Did Remus, even now, after all this time, after every bit of effort he'd worked so hard to manifest into their relationship, still not trust him?

He clenched his jaw at the thought, fighting back a wave of pain and regret. Perhaps the past could **not** ever truly be forgotten. He'd made a mistake so very long ago--one that he would never fully forgive himself for. Perhaps that blunder would remain with him forever, a constant, haunting reminder of everything his impulsiveness had cost him.

Fighting back tears, he threw open the door of his room, shouting out his lover's name once again, rage flitting over every feature of his normally contented--if a bit roguish--face. " **Remus!** "

A very startled, wide-eyed Remus glanced up from the book he was reading, nearly dropping it in surprise. He quickly and carefully set down his mug of tea, rising from the bed, face flooded with concern. "Sirius...what is it? Is something wrong with Harry...?"

Fury and pain and hurt bubbled through him, rendering Sirius momentarily speechless. He balled his hands into fists, fighting back a desperate urge to punch a hole through the nearest wall. "No..." he said through gritted teeth. "There is nothing wrong with Harry. Harry's fine. It's **you** I'm concerned about..."

"Me? But...Sirius, whatever for?"

The confused look of innocence on Remus' face was just about enough to drive Sirius over the edge. "Oh, cut the crap, Moony!" he yelled, face going scarlet with anger.

Remus stared at him wide eyed. "Sirius...!?"

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me, Remus!? Why didn't you **tell** me the extent of this mess!?"

"Sirius, I--"

"Tell me Moony...tell me now...why were you crying back home, that day in the rain? Tell me why you couldn't look me in the eyes--why you said it was nothing and that everything would be okay..." Sirius' voice was dangerously low. "Why you let me believe that your upset had been over finding a fucking **cure**..."

Sirius could speak no longer. There were simply no words to express the level of anguish and betrayal that wrenched at his heart.

"Sirius..." Remus took a step toward him, then paused, thinking the better of it. "Sirius, where have you just come from? Don't tell me you were in the dungeons with Snape...?" The fearful realization that lit up in Remus' eyes nearly became Sirius' breaking point.

" **Why** , Remus? Fucking Snape! Why him!?"

"I'm sorry, Sirius," Remus said quietly.

"You're **sorry**!? **God** , Remus! You neglect to tell me that my mate's very **soul** is destined for condemnation--that when we die, we will most likely be separated for **eternity**. You kept it quiet, choosing instead to bear that burden alone. Fine. Do you not trust me, Remus, even after all we've been through?"

The idea pained Sirius greatly, and he didn't think he could bear to hear the answer, but he simply had to know. "You thought I would abandon you, is that it? Or perhaps you were afraid I might run and tell the Ministry what you'd done..."

"No, Sirius, no. Please...listen to me...I was planning on telling you eventually. I just didn't want to see you hurt..."

"Didn't want to see me **hurt**? Oh, that's **rich** , Remus, really! So you thought you'd let ol' greasy hooked nosed git stab me with one of his talons straight into the heart, did you? Oh, great tactic, that! It went over **marvelously** , don't you think?"

Remus bit his lip and closed his eyes. This was definitely not the way he'd hoped any of this would play out. It was only natural, he reflected inwardly, for Sirius to feel this way. There had been so much doubt and suspicion between them back in the days of secret keeping and Death Eaters and the discovery of "The Boy Who Lived".

Tears burned, threatening to overflow as Remus recalled those days. He didn't want to go back there ever again...he **couldn't**. He had to make Sirius understand.

"Sirius, please...hear me out. I did this for **you**..."

Sirius looked at him incredulously. "What, you thought you'd wait til I was on my deathbed before I realized that I was destined to live out the afterlife alone once again? You thought you'd let me believe in this little fairy tale we've got going, all the while knowing it was riddled with **lies**!?"

Remus closed his eyes again, but this time, he could not prevent the trickle of warmth that forced it's way from beneath his lids. "Sirius," he whispered. " **Please**..."

The distraught look on his lover's face silenced Sirius for the moment, but his body continued to tremble with fury as he stared at him, watching streams of tears flow over the porcelain cheeks as he waited for Remus to speak.

"I love you, Sirius," Remus began softly. "Please don't **ever** doubt that. And I would do **anything** to show you just how much you mean..." His voice broke, and Sirius had the sudden urge to go to him and wrap him in comforting arms, but he stopped himself, willing his mate to continue.

"When I first discovered the 'Fluch des Wolfdaemon', I thought I'd interpreted it incorrectly. My German isn't all it's cracked up to be. There was no **possible** way that fate could be so cruel..." Remus' voice was filled with passion. "But all of my cross-references seemed to point to the same outcome--my soul, having given birth to another by means of the dark curse, was now doomed for all eternity."

Sirius' heart was pounding in his chest as he listened carefully to Remus' every wounded word, saw the despair and guilt lighting up golden in those delicious amber eyes. It had been horrible to hear these truths spoken from the foul mouth of his enemy, but to hear them pour forth in Remus' own rich, honeyed voice--to have that confirmation of truth--was sheer torture.

"I vowed to myself that I would not speak of it, at least until the time when a remedy was found. Please understand, Sirius, that I simply couldn't do that to you. I could **not** let you suffer the guilt of my fate. Believe me, I **wanted** to tell you. A part of me longed so badly for you to hate me, to loathe what I'd done to you. But I knew that instead, you would blame yourself. And I simply could not allow you to charge yourself with any more transgression that you simply couldn't help. And so I took the blame--all of the anguish--upon myself. It was **my** fault, after all that you had been cursed. **I** was the one who committed the bite. No, don't say it, Sirius. We both know it was me. And I knew better. It was a full moon. I should have restrained myself."

Sirius felt the anger quickly slipping away to be replaced with sorrow and deep-rooted regret. "It was the full moon. You couldn't think straight. The pull of the wolf was too strong."

"That may be, Padfoot. But the fact still remains--it was **my** teeth that sank into your flesh that night."

Sirius didn't have a good rebuttal for this, and so he kept quiet, studying his mate in the flickering candlelight, body continuing to shake from shock and raw emotion.

"So did you?" He said at last. "Find the cure, I mean?"

Remus closed his eyes, latching onto one of the bedposts for support. He nodded ever so slightly, voice coming as the merest of whispers. "Yes...yes, we found something, but--"

Sirius studied him carefully, a feeling of utmost dread rising in the pit of his stomach.

"Oh god, Sirius..." Remus slumped down onto the bed, completely shattered, shoulders shaking violently as he sobbed into his hands. "I'm **so** sorry...so sorry..."

Anger completely dissolved now, Sirius rushed to his side, sinking down next to him onto the mattress, wrapping an arm around his quaking shoulders. "Remus... **please**...tell me..."

Remus shook his head, continuing to cry in anguish as he tried to get his voice to work clearly enough to form the words. "I--I--oh god, th--this is hard..."

Sirius sat there silently, continuing to squeeze his shoulders, offering silent comfort and support. His mind was wracked with all sorts of horrific images as he tried to piece together the possible ingredients of a cure.

Finally, after a few moments of succumbing to his own anguish, Remus took a deep breath and wiped at his eyes, steeling his resolve. He'd kept the truth from Sirius long enough. He had a right to know.

Remus turned toward him and took his hands, gripping them tightly. He forced himself to meet the concerned, steady silver gaze, and he thought he would die of despair right there on the spot, but still, he forced himself to continue.

"There is one known cure to lycanthropy, Sirius, but it is very involved. It is only successful on a beta who has never succumbed to the lust of creating another."

"So you mean...you, as an alpha...can never be cured?"

Sirius' voice was so gentle, so filled with concern and passion that Remus felt warm tears slide down his cheeks once again. "No," he said softly. "There is no chance for that now. However..." He forced a bittersweet smile. "There is still hope for **you** , and for that, I am eternally grateful."

"Remus...I know now the horror of transformation--what it really means to have this curse forced upon me. I hate it...I **loathe** the coming of the moon. And yet...I would suffer for the rest of my life if it meant lessening your own pain. I want to be there for you, Remus. Even if it means giving up my humanity--"

"NO!" Remus gasped, staring at him as though he'd just professed his undying love for Lord Voldemort. "No, Sirius! You must **never** say that! Please!"

"Remus, I--"

Remus shook his head. "I couldn't bear it, Sirius. You must do this for me. You **must**! Please, allow me to cleanse you--to...to make you whole once again."

"Okay, Remus..." Sirius said quickly. Whatever it took to ease his mate's pain. "Anything..."

Remus buried his face in his mate's shoulder and wept. Sirius wrapped his arms around him, tracing circular patterns across his back and whispering loving words of reassurance in his ear.

"Sirius..." Remus finally pulled away to look him in the eyes once again. What Sirius found there was not relief or gratitude, but an all encompassing ache, a deep-rooted dread. "...there's more..."

Sirius closed his eyes as Remus began to explain. "That book Severus read to you--the passage about the condemned soul of the alpha--did he also explain the one known cure?"

Sirius looked at him wide-eyed, a new surge of hope rushing through him. "There's a **cure**?"

"Yes..." Remus breathed.

"Well, that's **great** , Remus!" He grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him into a hug, which his mate returned rather hesitantly. Sirius felt his apprehension and pulled away, staring him in the face. "Isn't it...?"

Remus' lower lip trembled, and alarm suddenly flooded through Sirius. "Oh god...what is it now...please don't tell me that it's worse..."

"Sirius..." he whispered, unable to speak any louder for fear of losing his nerve all together. "There is one known way to cure lycanthropy."

Sirius licked his lips, his nerves rattling. "And...what is that, Remus?"

"To...to kill the alpha..."

Sirius visibly paled, eyes widening maddeningly. He rose from the bed in one swift motion, fingers threading through his ebony hair. "No..." he whispered shakily. "No, Remus...oh god, no..."

"Sirius...it's the only way..."

"No, Remus, I won't allow it!!"

"There is no other way to cure you..." he pleaded softly.

"Then fuck the bloody cure!" Sirius shouted at once.

"Sirius, you don't understand..." Remus knew he had to say it before he lost his nerve. "Giving up my life freely to save yours is the only way to free my damned soul."

"And just how will **dying** solve anything, Remus!?"

"The death of the alpha is the only way to cure the beta. I cure you, you are no longer cursed. And therefore, my conscience--as well as my soul--is clean. It's the only way."

"NO!!" Sirius yelled, suddenly at a loss. He pulled at his hair, nausea building up within him, and he doubled over, shouting a string of obscenities. "NO! No, Remus...you **can't**!"

Tears were streaming down his own face now, body convulsing as his brain attempted to reject the only answer he knew to be truth.

"I must!" Remus was crying again too, and silently pleading for Sirius to understand.

"No, Remus. No way! Don't ask this of me...it isn't fair!"

"Please, Sirius, you must agree to let me do this...it is the only way to set my soul free..."

"God, no!!" He yelled again, but he knew deep in his heart that he simply could not deny Remus this--not if it meant saving him from eternal damnation. How utterly selfish it would be of him to refuse his mate this one chance at redemption. And yet, it was a fate he simply could not face.

Defeated and hopeless, he slumped to the floor, burying his face in his hands as he wept. Remus rushed to his side, enfolding him in his arms, and they cried together, calling out their despair to the waxing gibbous of moon that shone ominously through their window.

~~+~~

Sirius Black was many things: lover, godfather, auror, hero, ex-convict, marauder, charmer extraordinaire...but the one thing he was surely **not** was a quitter. Never in his life had he quit at anything.

So it was that the next several days Sirius existed in a fevered state of near frenzy, working himself to exhaustion as he sought out another more **viable** and **kind** cure to he and Remus' tragic circumstances.

He knew that somewhere there **had** to be a cure, a good cure that would heal him of his lycanthropy and absolve the damnation of Remus' soul--a cure that did not call for life as its bitter price.

At first, he sought out Dumbledore's assistance, feeling that he, above all others, would have at least some reassurance and words of wisdom to impart to his former student. The kindly, venerable wizard had listened sympathetically as Sirius related to him Remus' **cure** and his own hearty disagreement of such. Sirius recognized in the benevolent blue eyes the shadows of sadness there and he saw the deep sorrow that settled over the elder wizard's features like a shroud, aging the wizened face even more.

A bone-deep misery hovered in the stillness as Sirius haltingly beseeched the headmaster past the strangled lump in his throat to help him find some other cure. Barring that, he appealed to Dumbledore to at least help Remus see the folly in his decision.

Dumbledore had gazed quietly with the infinite wisdom of age and tragedy heavy in the eyes that glinted with unshed tears behind the half-moon shaped spectacles. Finally, he shook his snowy head and peered sadly at Sirius as he intoned in a weary, sorrow-stricken voice laced with finality, "To Remus, the things that matter most in this world are you, your love and safety and his own innate goodness of spirit--a purity that he has long sheltered from the darkness of the travails his life has visited upon him. His soul and you, Sirius, are truly what he cherishes most. He seeks now to save both..."

Sirius interrupted the soft flow of Dumbledore's words as the younger man's throat rumbled in a half-sob, half-growl as he lurched, tear-blinded, to his feet. So, if there was no help to be found here, he thought, then he would seek the answers elsewhere.

He spent all that day in the Hogwart's library, avoiding Remus whenever he could, unable to bear the weight of sorrow that leveled on his heart as he beheld his mate, the man whose love he cherished, the relationship which seemed so ephemeral now...

He couldn't bear the sight of those haunted, but achingly tender amber eyes that met his as the soft, honeyed voice pleaded with him, "Sirius, please, don't do this to yourself. Don't you know that I've looked through every single bloody book on lycanthropy in this library?"

Sirius could not accept that. He had told Remus, "Moony, don't ask me to stop searching for an answer, another solution. You're missing something. I know you are. And, I'm going to find it. I'll sniff it out, Remus. I will."

"Padfoot..." Remus had breathed, his heart clenching at the trembling he saw in his mate's tall, lean body, even as the dark-headed man's jaw set in determination, eyes blazing. Sighing, Remus had turned away, leaving his poor, brave, loyal but...foolish Padfoot to finish his fruitless searching.

So for days Sirius sought out answers, even going so far as to borrow Harry's invisibility cloak in order to slip books out of Snape's private library and out of the Restricted Section of the Hogwart's Library.

The days sped by in a numbing blur as Sirius worked his clever mind into knots of frenetic activity, occupying his mind on this rather than letting his mind dwell on his lover who quietly went about getting his affairs in order, not knowing that with every parchment he signed, with every word he wrote in the Defense Against the Dark Arts text he was editing and now striving to complete, with every box of books he apparated from their cottage and unpacked setting aside stacks of tomes for Harry and Hermione, that...ultimately, he was imprinting agonizing, wrenching sorrow on Sirius' heart with a razored quill.

~~+~~

Remus awoke slowly to heavy warmth across his chest. Blinking sleepy amber eyes he peered into the luminous silvered gaze of his lover as Sirius stared down into his face, his large warm hands threaded through the honeyed mass of Remus' hair.

Remus smiled sleepily and opened his mouth to speak but with a movement of fierce intensity, Sirius covered Remus' pale pink lips. He shook his head, black silky hair falling about his face. "No," he whispered in a voice hoarse with fatigue, "don't...don't say anything, Remus. No more words to try to pacify me...to try to put a brighter spin on this horror. That's what it is, Remus...a fucking horror."

He bent his head, a strangled sob escaping that he tried valiantly to suppress, clearing his throat as he gazed up at his silent mate. He then bent in closer, his fingers tracing Remus' lips as he pressed his own tear-chapped lips to Remus' ivory smooth forehead. "Shhh...love...just...don't tell me any more. Let me just have this. No more truths for now. No more pain..."

Remus nodded slightly, his arms pulling free from the gentle restraint of the bedsheets as he wrapped them around Sirius' strong back, pulling the other man forward as he kissed the long fingers that stroked his mouth.

Sirius whimpered, jaw clenching as his brow contorted. Tears shivered in clear limpid pools of liquid lightning and Remus had to close his eyes at the look of exquisite misery that contracted the angles of his lover's handsome face, sharpening that beauty into a taut mask of sheer anguish.

Sirius' shoulders shook in his arms and Remus pulled him down to him, crushing his mate's comforting weight close to his chilled body. Sirius moved his hands up to Remus' head, threading his fingers through the golden-silver waves, as he lifted it from the pillow and pressed his mouth to Remus' in a hungry, aching, searching kiss that tasted of tears and desperation and fear.

Moaning despondently, Sirius deepened the kiss, seeking solace in the warm, honeyed sweetness of his mate's mouth, seeking reassurance from the strong arms that enclosed him, seeking love from the heart that still thumped reassuring and steady below him.

Remus clutched at Sirius, answering the intensity of Sirius' need with his own fevered desperate passion. He felt tears burning in his eyes, spilling beneath golden-brown lashes to trace down his face in shining rivulets to the wet clasping of their mouths.

Sirius finally pulled free, eyes glinting as he jerked down the coverlet and sheets, exposing Remus' silk-skinned nudity. He swept his eyes over the lovely pale form, memorizing every puckered scar, every curve of flesh, and line of bone. "You ask the impossible of me, Moony," he whispered, his hands sliding down the smooth columns of ivory arms. "To let you do as you wish, your spirit is saved but your life is lost. To deny you and keep you here, is to let you live on but lose your soul...this choice...it is unbear...unbearable. Would that I had died in Azkaban than face this."

At that, Remus' quiet acceptance of Sirius' pain was destroyed. He sat up, amber eyes blazing gold-flamed and flashing feral in his face. "Never!" he whispered in a voice roughened with ferocity. "Sirius... **never** say that. Never think that! You worry about me dying now, well, trust me when I say if you had perished in Azkaban, my bones would have long ago joined James' and Lily's. That would surely have been the killing blow more cruel, more hard, infinitely more devastating than the sweet promise offered in the bottom of a dram of poison meant to free you and I both..."

" **Free** , Remus?? Free us? Oh no, dear heart, never think that your death would ever **free** me! No, your leaving shackles me, Remus. It shackles me to pain and loneliness and unending sorrow."

"Not unending, Padfoot. When it is your time, we'll be together again forever."

"NO! Dammit, Remus! No more bloody talk of eternity and the hereafter and all of that bollocky bullshit! Do we even know for a fact that there is an afterlife? Where are James and Lily? Have you seen them? What if this is all some cosmic joke, Remus? What if this, **this life** is all we truly have!"

"That's not true, Sirius, and you know that! You're just fighting this."

"Bloody right, I'm fighting this! I'll go down fucking fighting this, Remus! You do not know for sure! We can't know! We're not meant to know! You are throwing it all away for the sake of a cure for an affliction that you are strong enough to have lived with since childhood but apparently you think I can not! Besides that, you leave me to deal with **my** guilt in this, Remus. You may have bestowed the bite, but you would not have, had I not tempted you while you were in such an affected state.."

"Padfoot," Remus interrupted. "I told you before, I'll not have you blaming yourself for what **is** my fault. And, I do know you are strong enough to deal with being a werewolf, but **I** can't bear to see you suffer with it. The moon is in two days, Sirius..."

Sirius launched himself from the bed, striding across the floor as he jerked his hands through his heavy ebony hair. "Yes, I know that. I don't care. Let the moon come, set the beasts free! Just...stay with me, Remus, please..."

Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again to regard his pacing lover. "Sirius," he murmured, but still Sirius paced. "Sirius, please...I...I thought we were decided on this..."

"No, Remus! **We** had not bloody decided on anything. **You** , Remus, you decided. Not me. I don't want you to do it. I don't know if I can stand it, Remus. I **know** I can't." He turned then and fell to his knees at the side of the bed, leaning his head against the mattress. "I'm not strong enough to let you do this...I just can't let you," he muttered past a sob.

Remus reached out, grasping onto Sirius' hands as he gently hauled him back onto the bed. A part of Sirius wanted to resist, wanted to punish his lover for asking of him the impossible...but, the larger part of his soul just wanted to hold Remus, to be held by Remus, so he allowed it when Remus tugged him closer, easing both of them down into the bed.

Remus closed his eyes as he felt the slow slide of Sirius' hot tears as they drained from those hurting eyes onto his neck and chest. Nothing in all his life--not the initial attack of the moonbeast on his childly form, not the wracking pain of transformation, not the death of two of his closest friends, not the supposed betrayal of a lover-- **nothing** before in his life ever had hurt like this.

Sirius clung tightly to Remus and once again the certainty of what he had to do weighed heavy on his soul. He knew he had to allow Remus to do what he sought to do--for even without his acceptance, he knew Remus would go through with the **cure** anyway.

"When," he finally managed to gasp, "when are you going to...to do it?"

Remus tightened his arms around Sirius. His heart pounding hard and frantic in his chest. "Not till after the moon, Sirius. We will run together one more night at least."

"Moony," Sirius gasped out in a choked sob, as he buried his face in the side of the pale neck, "No...please, oh god...I love you... please..."

"Shhh...Siri, I love you too," Remus whispered, "always..."

"I'll never be able to look at the moon again...never..." Sirius gasped, sobs wracking his body.


	12. 11

Sirius watched the play of light over the gently rippling surface of the Hogwarts lake as he rested his back against an ancient mighty oak. Thoughts circled madly through his head and he yearned for the silent, stoic strength of the tree behind him. He yearned for that quiet peace. Ahh... how fitting that he would feel such envy of this tree in particular -- Remus' tree.

He thought back on the golden years of he and his lover's lost shared youth. This tree had been only a little smaller then, but still massive -- large enough to offer its leafy shade to a small, pale, doe-eyed boy who would sit under its protective arms, lost in his wandering daydreams.

Sirius had known even then, that Remus valued his privacy -- those moments of contemplation that seemed to calm and center him. When Remus came to the tree, his friends would respect his privacy, leaving Remus alone to marshal his thoughts. But... it always worried Sirius. It ate at him inside to see his friend sitting under the tree, looking so achingly pensive and vulnerable and alone. Sometimes Sirius couldn't stand it and he would go to Remus, flushed with apology but eager to bring Remus back into the warm, vivacious fold of friendship and camaraderie of their little gang.

Once Sirius had called out for Remus and he saw him turn his golden head in his direction. Sirius hurried over to the tree, but when he arrived, Remus was no where to be found. A snapping twig had then caught his attention, as did the accompanying soft giggle and he had looked up, his gaze locking with a smiling impish face, bright eyes, and a leaf-strewn head. And he had smiled at the vision of Remus perched in the branches, legs swinging from the limb he sat upon -- a forest child, at home in nature's sylvan embrace. And then, a pale, fine-boned hand had reached down, beseeching Sirius and he had climbed up to sit with his friend in companionable silence within the leafy foliage as they gazed out over the lake.

"Sirius..." Remus' smooth caramel voice stirred Sirius from his reverie and he turned to regard his mate. Remus looked worried and paler than normal, the wind riffling through his tawny silver-flecked head, his robes billowing around his too lean form. He had found it difficult to eat over the past few days, as had Sirius.

Remus smiled gently at his mate, his amber gaze flicking up to the tree. "Ahh,... my tree. Do you remember trying to carve our initials into it?" He moved to kneel beside Sirius, his hand reaching out to brush a stray silken black lock from his mate's forehead.

Sirius closed his eyes and nodded, swallowing. Remus' mouth twitched in a frown of concern and he licked his lips before saying, "James put that ventriloquism spell on the tree so that it cried out every time you put a knife to the bark."

Sirius smiled but did not open his eyes. "It might have worked too, had the tree not had Prongs' voice," he chuckled softly.

Remus smiled. "True, but... we never did finish carving it."

Sirius opened his eyes then, burning like silver fire in his face, the unshed tears brightening them. He withdrew his beloved Moony dagger from his sleeve and turned toward the tree. "Let's finish it now," he muttered, voice thick with emotion.

Remus bit his lip and nodded, watching as Sirius hacked and carved at the thick, grayish bark, engraving in his distinctive script his own initials. "This would be easier with magic," Sirius commented, nodding to himself, "but... it needs to be the work of hands and bone and blood, not wand, don't you think?"

"Yes, Padfoot, I agree," Remus answered, his heart aching with the simple gesture -- the symbolism of this moment Sirius wished to preserve on the ancient tree.

Sirius finished carving his initials and passed the dagger to his mate. Remus nodded resolutely and through burning teary eyes and despite his slightly trembling hands, he carved in his own neat initials on the rough-hewn surface. He sat back then running his thumb idly along the blade of the dagger as he and Sirius surveyed their handiwork.

"Moony!" Sirius gasped suddenly and Remus turned wide eyes to meet the concerned look on his lover's face. "Don't do that! You've cut yourself," Sirius breathed, reaching out to take the dagger from Remus' slim, elegant hand -- that pale hand now beaded with crimson blood.

Sirius brought Remus' hand to his mouth, brushing soft lips to the lacerated flesh, lapping up the sweet, seeping blood. "Wait," Remus whispered, pulling his hand free. He smiled a bit shyly and shrugged, "Blood makes it stronger," he whispered as he then pressed his crimson-welling thumb against the bark, between he and Sirius' initials. "For all eternity, Sirius, love and blood and nature bind us to one another."

Sirius smiled. For all of his practical nature, Remus had a mystical, whimsical, wild side that he rarely indulged but one that definitely existed beneath the calm, placid surface of the gentle scholar.

Sirius reached for the dagger and sliced it quick and clean through his own thumb, his eyes meeting Remus' as he pressed his own bloodied thumb to the bark, just atop the dark stain Remus had placed there.

"For all eternity," he murmured in response, gaze flicking over that beloved, familiar face he loved so much, "bound in love forever together."

Remus chuckled then, cheeks flushing slightly. "Well, now that we've indulged our poetic, silly sentiment, I suppose we should ..."

"It's not silly," Sirius answered earnestly, drawing out his wand to utter a healing spell over he and Remus' thumbs.

Remus nodded. "You're right, Sirius, I'm sorry." Remus knew that for all of his impulsive, reckless nature, Sirius respected rituals meant to be treated with deference. He would never forget the solemn, loving look that had settled over Sirius' normally merry features when the two had come together in their binding ceremony. Even now, he could so clearly see the sober, respectful look of utter love and devotion that burnished the handsome face, brightening those stormy eyes to diamond fire, as Dumbledore had wrapped the cool, white, flowing silk over their joined arms.

"Come here," Sirius murmured, breaking Remus' pensive rambling. Sirius pulled Remus closer, wrapping his arm tightly around his back as he buried his nose in the soft honey gold of Remus' hair.

Remus sighed and gazed out over the water wondering if such peace would ever be theirs again after today. He had promised not to speak any more of the **cure** to Sirius, knowing the agony it caused his mate. So now, he rested in Sirius' comforting embrace, silent and still, lest he disturb this ephemeral heaven.

But... he knew his peace was short-lived. Already the afternoon sky began to tint and burn with soft orange and pink streaks. Soon the fateful moon would rise and call her beasts to her ivory gaze.

He nuzzled in closer to Sirius and whispered, so regretfully, "The moon will rise soon, love. Severus has prepared the Wolfsbane for both of us. We need to take it."

For a long moment Sirius said nothing and Remus raised his head, afraid he'd see tears streaking down that face, but instead, he gazed up to see a look of determined petulance. "Sirius? What is it?" he asked concerned.

"I don't want to take that sodding potion! I wouldn't be surprised if the git hadn't poisoned my batch," Sirius growled.

Remus chuckled and added with gallows humor, "Well, then, we'll be together again sooner than I had originally thought."

Sirius scowled and Remus fought to control the smile that tickled at the edges of his mouth.

"I'm sorry, Sirius," he said, still fighting the laughter -- laughter borne of a catharsis of desperate humor, repressed grief and nervous exhaustion.

Sirius stared aghast that his lover could find humor in such a dark situation, but as he saw the tears that battled for dominance with the light of humor in those amber pools, and so he gave in to his own fitful emotions -- emotions that had spilled so fluidly from him these past few days.

Remus felt Sirius trembling and he gazed questioningly into that beautiful face which suddenly began to twist, the mouth curling up, silvery eyes crinkling as tears flowed at the same time that bright laughter bubbled forth. "Bloody git would be sorely disappointed to know he had done us a favor, eh, Moony," Sirius managed to mutter breathily in the midst of his laughter.

"Yes, I rather think he would be horribly mortified," Remus agreed chuckling, as Sirius pulled him into a tight embrace, that laughing, tear-salted mouth suddenly covering his in a sweet, hot, tongue-tangling kiss.

They kissed for long moments, lips and tongues and teeth tasting and licking and suckling, seeking to devour. Remus threaded long, pale fingers through the sable silk of Sirius' hair as Sirius stroked and kneaded Remus' strong, lean back through the soft, shabby robes he wore.

Their moment of intense release was disturbed by a gruff but friendly voice, "Arrgghh, Fang! You git back 'ere now, ye 'ear me! Slow down, boy! Dat's a good boy!"

Suddenly the burly form of Rebeus Hagrid strode into view, following after his huge boarhound that bounded before him straight at the still entwined figures beside the tree.

"Oh, blimey!" Hagrid huffed, the cheeks above the black bristles of beard pinking deeply. "I'm awful sorry! I... uhh... din't mean to disturb you, Professor, Sirius..."

Remus flushed and gently disentangled himself from Sirius' lap, again fighting the smile that tickled at the corners of his mouth. Sirius laughed and stood up, dusting himself off as he winked at Remus and turned a bright blushing smile on the gentle giant. "That's okay, Hagrid. Remus and I shouldn't have been necking out here in the open like a couple of hormonal adolescents, either," he laughed.

Remus smiled sheepishly and flushed brighter before gazing down with apparent interest at a small mushroom just to the right of his foot.

Hagrid smiled. He had always liked kind, soft-spoken Professor Lupin and Sirius Black. Sirius was always a fun-loving, mischievous sort with a grin permanently affixed to his face. That was why Hagrid had been so completely shocked and devastated to hear that supposedly Sirius had betrayed the Potters. Never had he been so pleased to hear that it had all been bollocks and that the real traitor was the short, beady-eyed Pettigrew fellow he had never trusted, ever since catching him mistreating a flobberworm once.

Hagrid chuckled and said, "I was sent out 'ere to find you and the professor. Seems Professor Snape would like a word wit the two of you. Thought you might be about the woods, but Fang 'ere thought different. Led me righ' to you, 'e did. 'e's a good lad, aren't you, Fang, me boy!" He reached out and scratched at the huge, slobbering dog's soft ears.

"Thank you, Hagrid," Remus murmured, smiling warmly but still pink with embarrassment. "We'll be along presently."

Hagrid nodded. "Well then, I'll be off." He then turned and faced Remus with a look of deep compassion welling in those dark eyes, "'ope you 'ave an easy night of it tonight, Professor."

"Thank you, Hagrid. I appreciate that. And please, do call me Remus. I'm no longer a professor here," Remus responded with a smile.

Hagrid nodded. "Alrigh' then, 'night, Sirius, Remus. Be safe." He then turned to go.

Sirius slid his arm around his lover's back as they watched the lumbering giant make his way across to his small cottage at the edge of the woods.

Remus turned in Sirius' arms. "Well, we've been summoned by Professor Snape, darling. Shall we go?"

Sirius scowled and snorted, "Oh yes of course, we shouldn't keep the blighter waiting."

"Sirius, he's helping us," Remus protested shaking his head.

Sirius gazed at his lover -- the man that Snape's potion would soon **take** from him. He gritted his teeth and spat, "He's not. He seeks to drive us apart, as he always has. And this time, he may just succeed."

Remus sighed. It was no use arguing with his stubborn, though loving, mate. He chose instead to lose this battle but win the war -- the war for Sirius' humanity and his own soul.

~~

Sirius stared skeptically down into the bubbling, smoking, foul-smelling goblet of green potion.

Remus had persuaded Snape to let them bring the Wolfsbane into their chambers to take it alone. Sirius had said that if the potion killed him, he didn't want to give "the long-nosed prat" any satisfaction in witnessing his death.

"Remus, this stuff smells like the foulest shite of a two-ton Tebo. How in bloody hell do you manage to drink it? It's a wonder that this potion hasn't done you in. It doesn't smell like something that should ever be put inside a human body," Sirius griped.

Remus smiled, taking a bit of morbid amusement at his mate's disgruntlement. "Well, technically, it is **not** made for the **human** body, per se, but rather the lycanthrope -- a symbiotic body."

Sirius rolled his stormy eyes. "Whatever. The point is... this is disgusting. I'm not sure I can drink this."

"Sirius Black, you can go up against curse-throwing Death Eaters, but you're afraid of a little foul-tasting brew?" Remus chuckled.

"I'm glad this is so amusing to you, Moony," Sirius grumped. "I'm not afraid of the potion. I just don't want to take it. I don't see the point really. I mean, we're going to the shack, so why is it necessary?"

The look of mirth on Remus' face faded to be replaced by a look of calm, sad resignation. "Because, I thought that tonight... I thought we might enjoy keeping our human consciousness within us."

"Since it's our last night to run together," Sirius stated in a dead voice.

Remus slid a comforting hand around his mate's back. "Let's down it at the same time, okay?"

Sirius nodded, still staring skeptically down at the smoking brew. "I wasn't joking about Snape trying to poison me, Remus. I mean, turn-about is fair play and all of that."

Remus sighed. "Sirius, I know you don't trust Severus, but you must trust me. The potion is not poisoned. Granted the taste leaves a little to be desired, but it is not going to kill you -- just a few taste buds perhaps."

Sirius groaned and lifted the goblet, a sneer marring his handsome face. Remus smiled and shook his head as he lifted his own goblet. "Shall I count off, then?"

Sirius nodded. Remus smiled reassuringly and said, "Alright then, at the count of three we drink."

Sirius nodded again and Remus counted, "One." They lifted their goblets, staring into each other's eyes.

"Two." They brought the goblets closer and Sirius' nostrils flared as he made a gagging face at the odor. "Stop that, you'll make me laugh and I'll not be able to drink mine down," Remus admonished gently.

Remus waited a second to regain his composure and then said, "Three" as both men lifted the goblets to their mouths and tilted them back, each downing the contents in one long swallow.

Sirius came up gasping and sputtering, "Shit! That is some fucking nasty crap, Remus! Oh my god... I've never tasted anything so disgusting in all of my life. I think I'm going to be sick. My god... I think my throat and stomach will be corroded from that. How in Hades do you manage to drink that. Snape must have made mine especially disgusting. He probably ground up flobberworms or murtlap balls in here. Uggghhh! Here, let me taste yours. I bet mine tastes worse."

Remus chuckled at Sirius' animated tirade, laughing at the high color in Sirius' cheeks and the bright flashing lightning eyes. He handed his goblet over, saying, "Sirius, there is no difference between the potions. I've warned you that it's rather unpleasant to drink."

"Unpleasant? **Unpleasant** , says he,... meanwhile my innards are rotting from the slimy crud. More like unbelievably, stupendously rotting, fetid, putrid filth that never... god..."

Remus bit back his laughter as Sirius grabbed his cup from him, slipping his tongue onto the side. He made a face, shaking his head, rather like Padfoot. "Oh....ewwww... okay, yours is nasty too, but... I swear mine is worse. Here, taste it."

Remus laughed and held up his hand in protest. "I trust you, Siri."

"No, Remus, taste it. I want you to see... or rather taste what I'm raging on about."

Remus took the proffered goblet and ran a hesitant tongue along the outer rim. His softly handsome face contorted and he couldn't help the sound of disgust that uttered unbidden from his mouth.

"Ahh!! Aha! I told you, love! He purposefully made mine even more horrible and disgusting than yours!" Sirius barked, hands on his hips as he gazed triumphantly at Remus.

Remus laughed and leaned back against the bedpost. "Yes, well... perhaps he did. But Sirius, like you said, turn-about is fair play."

"Moony!" Sirius gasped in mock indignation, "You're not supposed to agree with me on that point, I was just being facetious."

Remus rolled his eyes and was about to speak again when he felt the familiar faint icy prickling of nerves along his arms, heralding the arrival of the moon. His gaze darted over to the window and he sighed as his eyes lit on the heavy orange sun that dipped lower now, the sky brilliant red against the dark green of the distant trees.

"We need to go," he murmured, almost in a trance, not wanting to leave the security and warmth of this room, wanting to desperately put off this inevitable night -- not because of the ripping pain of transformation or even the mental agony of seeing his mate transform -- but... because this was it -- the last night two large, playful canine packmates would run beneath that glowing moon.

He jerked back as he felt Sirius' arms enclose him, holding him tightly and he knew that Sirius felt the same way. They clung to each other for long moments, whispering soft affections into silky hair and against smooth skin, tears tracking down pale cheeks.

"We should go," Remus finally murmured, nodding resolutely.

Sirius swallowed past the lump in his throat and stepped back as Remus turned to lead them. He watched the strong, narrow back in front of him -- the silent strength that held that lean form so proud and erect, and he took his own measure of courage from Remus' and followed in obediently behind him.

~~+~~

Remus gasped, moaning softly, the moan stretching into a soft, guttural growl of pain as he bent to the floor, limbs stretching, bursting painful and red through pale skin, mottling it with blood. He turned his head, bones snapping loud, and gazed through his hazy, morphing eyes at his mate who was now deep in the midst of his own harrowing transformation.

Oh god... how it killed him to witness this horrible beauty. Sirius crouched on all fours also, well into the transformation. Already soft black hairs pushed forth from the smooth skin as his limbs contorted, the muscles tightening in spasms of pain and blood. His nose and mouth -- those beautiful features -- now stretched, becoming dark and inhuman -- a strong snout forming under the mass of black silky hair that coarsened, thickening over the scalp and face, past the straining snout and howling mouth and down the painfully stretched neck.

Remus' body itched and burned as it also became swiftly covered in soft thick grayish-brown hair. So enraptured by Sirius' agony, Remus had barely noted his own final transformation into the wolf. He stood shakily a moment, head bent and weaving a bit as he whimpered soft and low, gold-flamed eyes locked unto his mate.

Sirius howled loudly, his back bunching and arching as the final stages of transformation took over and he fell, panting to the dirt-packed floor.

Remus whimpered again stepping closer, pacing now, and the black wolf looked up with silver-fire eyes from a sable-silk face -- as beautiful in this form as in his human form, Remus thought -- into his lover's gold eyes.

Sirius struggled to his legs and moved forward, finally feeling strength ebb back into him. He gazed wistfully at Remus who paced nervously before him, the amber flame eyes flashing at him. He whimpered and edged forward, feeling a wave of love so intense it almost crushed the breath from him and he knew it for what it was -- his own human love for Remus, Padfoot's love for Moony, and the wolf's love for his mate.

The gray wolf turned to regard him and trotted forward, ears pricked, eyes alert, playful even. And somewhere inside himself, Sirius smiled. Moony wanted to play. He wanted a joyful last romp. Well then, he would have a romp then.

With a soft growly bark, he leapt lightly at Remus who growled soft in return and pushed back, tackling his sable-furred mate, pushing him to the ground as he leaned in and trailed his silky muzzle against the black fur of his neck, biting him gently.

Sirius howled and bent his own head trying desperately to get at the soft gray fur of Moony's neck. With a short, sharp bark that sounded remarkably like laughter, Remus pulled back just before Sirius could take a hold of his neck. He pranced backward, gold eyes seeming to dance in his wise, beautiful, noble face and he ran toward the open doorway, barking, encouraging his mate to follow.

And Sirius followed, followed him back through the dirty, dusty shack, back through the warm, earthy tunnel, past the whipping branches of the willow and finally out into the velvet night where they burst free, paws thumping with a rhythmic cadence across the cool damp grass -- silver and sable streaks soaring on soft, padded feet under the shining ivory moon.

And they ran, running long and hard, howling their exultation to the night skies above, remembering all of their many, many nights of tearing through this mystery-shrouded forest as both boys and canines. They ran and wrestled and played, splashing loudly through a moonlit stream, disturbing a throng of bathing pixies that flew up, gibbering, bright and disgruntled into the night.

They ran until they were exhausted and then they curled, panting and soft, against one another under their mighty oak and they made love. Finally they roused to tread back to the shack under the faint gray of dawn.

Within the secluded security of the shack, Sirius leapt up into the dusty mattress beside Moony, curling his sleek, black form around the fragrant, warm body of his earth-scented, gorgeous mate. He nuzzled in closer, snuffling against the warm scruff of Remus' silvery neck. Remus sighed deeply, snuggling back closer in to his mate and he felt the wetness of his own tears streaking down his muzzle and Sirius' tears, soaking warm and wet through thick fur, along the scruff of his neck.

~~+~~

Once again, Sirius sat before the flickering flames of the Gryffindor fire. He stared at the blazing orange heat stolidly, arms wrapped tightly around himself. Inside he was cold, frozen like ice, as if allowing himself to feel the deep anguish that he knew dwelled just beyond the surface would shatter him completely, leaving him broken in a thousand pieces on the floor.

Memories of days long gone danced just within the recesses of his brain once more--laughter, smiling faces, pranks and antics that had gotten them into a world of trouble more times than not.

He remembered a day back in their fifth year, when he'd sat before this very fireplace, on this very sofa. He'd been happy back then, however, amused as he watched a very animated James describe their evening's mischief. They had only recently completed the Marauder's Map, and this would be their chance to truly put it to the test. He could feel that tingle of excitement in the air even now, hear the whimsical voices of Remus and Peter as they huddled around the parchment, the honey haired, amber eyed boy pointing out the dots that symbolized their own positions on the map.

Sirius had exchanged meaningful glances with James, who inclined his head ever so slightly in Remus' direction. He'd known about Sirius' crush since their fourth year when Sirius had confessed his love out of desperation one afternoon in the library. James had suspected some form of deeper emotion prior to the outburst, and he also believed -- contrary to Sirius' insistences--that those feelings just might be returned. He had been urging Sirius to say something to the boy for what seemed like ages already... It really was becoming quite frustrating to see the two of them dance around their feelings day after day.

Sirius shot a quick glance in Remus' direction, marveling at the way the afternoon sunlight streamed through the window, highlighting that golden hair and the fine, smooth, porcelain skin. His breath caught in his throat as he saw Remus smile, watched those soft, delectable lips move elegantly over perfect white teeth as he whispered conspiringly to Peter. He let out a sigh then turned back to James, shaking his head resolutely. James rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest in pure annoyance. Sirius mouthed the word 'soon', and his friend gave him an exasperated look that told him he'd believe it when he saw it.

Sirius couldn't help but think about all of the time they'd wasted. He'd always known that they were meant to be together, so **why** had he waited so long? Where was that so-called 'infamous' Black courage when he'd really needed it?

He closed his eyes, picturing that boy of their youth, skinny, short, yet graceful, with huge expressive eyes that seemed to reflect his very soul. Remus had been so shy and unsure the day they'd met on the Hogwarts Express, but as the years passed, he'd learned to open up, to find himself, to become the man he knew he wanted to be. He found courage and strength and purpose. He was the strongest person Sirius had ever known. He'd battled with lycanthropy for most of his life, he was stoic in the face of prejudice, carrying himself with a proud grace that spoke nothing of egotism or pompousness, but of self-assurance and dignity. He'd overcome poverty, he possessed the uncanny knack to remain calm in even the most desperate of situations. Truly, he was a marvel -- a miracle. But despite it all, despite how hard he'd fought and no matter how brave his struggle, it seemed he had finally lost the battle.

Sirius felt his eyes prick with unshed tears, and he sucked in a breath, trying desperately to dissolve them, to force them back from whence they came. He lowered his head, covering his eyes with his hand, fighting off the migraine that had begun to throb there.

"Sirius...?" Tentative steps were heard on the staircase, and Sirius lifted his head, doing his best to force a smile as he spotted Harry standing there, a concerned gaze alighting his features.

"Harry..." Sirius rose to his feet, feeling suddenly awkward and uncomfortable. The presence of James' son had never before made him feel uneasy, but now he was faced with the horrendous task of explaining to Harry the inescapable fate of one of the only two people--aside from his deceased mother and father--who had ever been like parents to him.

Noting the desperation in Sirius' eyes and the nervous hitch to his voice, Harry hurried down the stairs toward his godfather and took his hand, meeting his gaze levelly. "What is it?"

Sirius tried to force himself to retain eye contact, but in the end, he found he simply couldn't do it. The concern and caring in those eyes was too much, and he was forced to look away, gazing longingly into the fire, wishing beyond hope that he could awaken tomorrow morning to look into eyes that matched the golden color of those flames, burning brightly with passion and wisdom.

"Sirius...?" An alarm went off somewhere in Harry's head. Sirius was never this pensive. In fact, he appeared utterly distraught. Something **had** to be wrong. "Sirius, what is it? Did the transformation go okay last night? Were there problems?"

Sirius swallowed and motioned for Harry to join him on the couch. As they sat, he turned his gaze to his hands, completely oblivious to everything but the throbbing in his head and the anguish in his soul. "No, Harry. The transformation was...quite nice actually..."

Harry frowned in amused confusion. How could Sirius **possibly** consider the breaking and reshaping of bones 'quite nice'? He allowed his glance to touch upon the fresh bandage that covered Sirius' forearm. It appeared as though he had only suffered one wound worthy of dressing this time -- probably due to the taming effects of the Wolfsbane -- but it was an injury nevertheless. He decided not to voice the unspoken question, however, when he noticed the look of longing that darkened the grey eyes.

Sirius bit his lip. "We ran together through the forest, and it was beautiful. With the Wolfsbane, we retained our own minds, and I--I could see everything so clearly...I could smell the pine of the trees and hear the hooting of the owls. It was lovely..."

Harry stared at him, listening intently. It seemed as though Sirius had fallen into some kind of numb trance. He rattled on about the night--the sensations and the exhilaration of running with the increased senses of the wolf. But when his ramblings touched on Moony, his voice suddenly cracked, and he closed his eyes, a stream of tears sliding from behind the closed lids and down his cheeks.

Harry looked at him with alarm, again grabbing his hand and squeezing it. "Sirius...!?"

"I--I'm sorry, Harry...sorry..." he whispered.

Harry continued to grip his hand, gazing with worry at the pained look that twisted up the handsome features of his godfather's face.

"Sirius, what is it?" he pleaded.

"It's Remus..." he choked out at last.

"Remus? What, is he hurt?"

"Oh god, Harry..."

Sirius began to sob, and Harry, not knowing what to do in such a situation -- for he'd never seen Sirius cry before -- simply sat there, making no protest as the man laid his forehead on his shoulder and wept. Harry reached up a shaky hand, running it soothingly over the man's back, eyes wide with worry and apprehension.

"Sirius... **please** ," he whispered. "Please tell me what's the matter..."

It took Sirius a few moments to compose himself, but finally, he pulled away, wiping reddened eyes, his face a mask of hopelessness.

"Harry, there are things you need to know about my lycanthropy..."

Harry nodded, waiting politely for Sirius to continue.

"A werewolf's soul is tainted, as you know. Still, the curse is broken upon death, allowing the part of the beast that is human to find solace in the afterlife -- a freedom if you will. Death does not --" He choked on the words. "Death does not show favoritism that way."

Again, Harry nodded wordlessly, a growing ball of concern and worry and fear churning in the pit of his stomach.

Sirius bit his lip and closed his eyes. "God, **why** is this so bloody **difficult**?" He sucked in a shaky breath and turned to look at his godson once more. "Harry, do you know the difference between the alpha wolf and the beta?"

"Ummm...yes..." he answered softly. "The alpha wolf creates the beta with the bite...right?"

Sirius nodded. "But what you might not know is that once a wolf becomes an alpha--once it spreads the curse...its soul is damned for eternity."

Harry stared at him for a moment, realization slowly dawning. "You mean...Remus' soul is now destined for damnation?"

Sirius nodded, again closing his eyes briefly, attempting to block out the pain. "There's more..."

Harry stared at him wide eyed, watching the strong, stoic man he knew slowly crumbling--being reduced to dust before him. An inexplicable fear rose up in his chest, and he found himself hanging on Sirius' every word, afraid of what sort of truth might pour forth from those trembling lips.

"Harry, the only way to cure lycanthropy is to kill the alpha..."

Harry stared at him in astonishment. "Don't tell me that Remus is actually considering--"

"No..." Sirius breathed. "Not considering. The decision has been made."

"What!? **Why**?" Harry simply couldn't understand why Remus would want to leave Sirius in such a manner, and he **certainly** couldn't fathom Sirius' acceptance of such a drastic decision. "Sirius, you're not going to **let** him--"

"I have to..." The words were spoken so softly, Harry wasn't entirely certain he'd heard correctly.

There was a deadened look in Sirius' normally lively eyes--an expression that reminded him so much of the night they'd first met in the Shrieking Shack. It pained him greatly to see his godfather in such distress, and he realized that he'd been a bit harsh in his response. Harry had seen many things, he'd been through more than any wizard his age, and he'd come to the quiet acceptance long ago that anything was possible. But, to see the two people he loved most in all the world suffer so greatly and so needlessly...well, he simply couldn't understand.

"Sirius..." He laid a calming hand on the man's shoulder, and he could feel the body trembling beneath his touch. "Sirius..." he said softly. "I don't understand..."

"Remus is so bent on curing me, Harry. Like you said before, he has realized his biggest fear. He's made another. And not only that, but he's committed such a travesty against the one he loves most of all. I don't care about the bloody curse. I would endure it for a thousand years if it meant that I could keep Remus by my side, but...the only way to free Remus' soul -- the only way to lift that taint and assure him peace in the afterlife is for him to take his own life. If he dies, my lycanthropy is cured, thus freeing his soul from the bonds of the alpha. It's the only way..."

"Oh, Sirius..."

Tears were falling from Harry's own eyes now, and he wrapped his arms tightly around the sobbing man, pulling him close.

"I--I tried to reason with him, Harry. I tried to make him understand, but he wouldn't listen. He's right though...I know he's right, and it hurts so much..."

"Shhh...Sirius..." Harry whispered awkwardly. "We're going to get through this somehow. Everything will be alright."

"He just doesn't understand," Sirius continued as if Harry hadn't spoken. "He doesn't understand what this is going to do to me. I...I'm afraid, Harry. I don't know if I can handle this. I'm afraid I won't survive without him..."

Harry's heart broke at these words. For these two had shown him what real love truly was. He could feel it emanating off of Sirius at this very moment as he wept openly and without reservation. He had never seen this man so broken, even as he'd lain there on the dusty floor of the Shrieking Shack--an escaped convict with matted, filthy hair, a sunken face and hollow, lifeless eyes.

He was afraid--afraid that this would completely rob the vivacious man of his spirit. And he was sad--so filled with sorrow and grief that he could hardly contain it. But he had to be strong. He had to be there for Sirius.

How would their world change without Remus in it? How would Sirius carry on alone? Fate had truly frowned upon the man. He'd been forced to overcome so much--twelve years in Azkaban as a criminal for a crime he did not commit, three years on the run for his very life, the guilt of knowing that one bad decision had been the deciding factor in his best friend's death. And now, once he'd finally found happiness again, it was being stolen away. How he grieved for this man -- this good, honest, loyal, caring man. He did not deserve the cards that fate had dealt him, and Harry found himself cursing life for its unfairness.

After a long while, Harry pulled away, drying his own tears on his shirt sleeve. He licked his lips, afraid to ask the question that burned in the back of his mind, but knowing that he had to have the answer. "When...?"

Sirius' shoulders slumped in defeat. "Tonight."

"Oh." God, but that was sudden. "Oh..."

"Harry, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I've known for a few days. I just -- I was so **sure** that I could find an alternative."

Harry nodded. "It's okay, Sirius. I understand. I just...I would have liked to help."

Sirius forced a very weak smile. "I know, Harry. And I appreciate that so much. But I've checked everywhere. There is nothing else to be done. I either allow Remus to die and find his peace, or I force him to remain alive and lose his soul. And I can not ask that of him."

Harry nodded again. "Is he going to...to do it himself...?"

"No. There is a potion..."

"You mean **Snape** is involved in this?" Sirius could tell that Harry liked the idea about as much as he did.

"Unfortunately, yes. That slimy **git** will have the joy of pouring the damn potion down his throat, and then he'll have the utter satisfaction of watching as he takes his last few breaths."

Harry's face twisted into a scowl. He still despised Snape--a man who seemed only to care for himself, who had always hated Harry for circumstances beyond his control. "That's not right," he said angrily. "It shouldn't be that way."

"God, Harry...I don't know what to do..."

Harry met his gaze, a look of determination lighting up in those emerald eyes. "I want to be there. We'll go there together."

"Harry..." Sirius was speechless for a moment. "Thank you. But are you certain...?"

He nodded resolutely. "You and Remus are like fathers to me. And I will not stand by and let you face this alone. I want to be there, for better or for worse."

Tears began to well up in Sirius' eyes again. "I'm sure Remus will appreciate that," he said softly.


	13. 12

If the very stars were to fall from the firmament, burning in a flashing streak of celestial fire to crash, smoking and ruined atop Sirius, he wouldn't have cared at that moment.

Never in his life had Sirius felt so horribly raw and wounded and hurt. When he had lifted James' head into his lap all those long bitter years ago and stared into the lifeless blue eyes that gazed vacant past him, he had thought his world would end. Cradling his friend's lifeless form, he had wept like a child, screaming his agony and wrath to those same burning stars that gleamed -- silent, cruel witnesses. Sirius had thought then that nothing, no other thing in his life, could hurt so bad. He was wrong.

The walk back to he and Remus' chambers seemed so long, the hallway unending -- rows and rows of stones and windows he passed unseeing, numb, cold, alone. Harry had returned to the Gryffindor Tower to be fetched later by Sirius, so Sirius made his lonely trek through the dark passageway by himself.

A torch spit and hissed as he passed it and on impulse he reached up passing his hand through the orange flame, wanting to see if he could feel **anything** at all anymore.

It burned.

He pulled his hand away, staring at it mildly, waiting for the coming sharp ache.

Light spilled into the hallway from an open door and then a low voice -- that voice he loved, the voice that haunted his heart and his dreams -- honeyed and smooth and rich. "Sirius?"

He turned and faced the voice, expecting to see his own empty eyes reflected in Remus' face. Instead he saw a vision of such utter beauty that his heart jumped, a thudding drum, into his throat.

Remus stood bathed in the soft amber light that cast ripples of brilliancy on the smooth, shining forest green silk robe he wore -- the very robe Sirius had gifted him with on his birthday the year before. His hair was combed back, falling against his neck in silken waves of gold and copper and silver. The gold of his hair and the green of his robe accentuated the brilliance of his molten amber eyes -- shining large, liquid, soulful in the ivory perfection of the fine-boned face.

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, wanting to fall to his knees and worship the beautiful vision before him, to kiss the hem of the silk robe, to cry at the very feet of this godling who was altogether too beautiful, too fierce, too unbelievable to exist in this staid world. The feelings he felt were too overwhelming. Perhaps he was truly going mad. He wanted to worship, love, hold, possess .... instead he fumbled...

"Remus... I burnt my hand," he whispered, his voice soft, wounded -- a child's voice.

Remus reached out for Sirius' hand, a lump lodged hot and throbbing in his throat as he took the strong, tanned, trembling hand into his own. Tears welled from his eyes and he pressed Sirius' hands to his face -- hands that had held him, comforted him, healed him, stroked him, loved him and had **never** struck him or hurt him. He kissed the hands, shudders running through his slender frame, as he silently wept over the hands he loved and the man they belonged to. "I'm sorry,... I'm sorry about your burnt hand, Padfoot. I'm so sorry...".

Tears streaked hot down Sirius' face for he knew Remus wept not for his wounded hand but for his wounded soul. With a groan, Sirius pulled Remus into his arms, embracing him fiercely as he pressed his face into the soft, fragrant hair of his mate, breathing in his scent. "I'm so sorry," Remus repeated huskily as he threaded his fingers through Sirius long, sleek hair, pressing hot, sweet, tear-drenched kisses to his head and ear.

Sirius held him tighter and a fierce desire welled through him to crush Remus in his arms, to push and push until the other man was forced inside him, forever a part of him... oh.. yes, that was what he wanted. He pulled back, his eyes blazing like starshine on storm-tossed seas, and he stared into Remus' face. "I want you. Now. One more... one last time..."

Remus swallowed past the lump in his throat, feeling his heart flutter and shatter in his chest. He nodded. "Yes." Remus held tightly onto Sirius' hand and pulled his mate into the bedchamber.

Sirius glanced for the briefest of moments away from the face he loved to gaze at the room festooned with candles.

"You'll have to forgive me for my maudlin sentimentality," Remus murmured, his hand sweeping out to encompass the softly lit room. "I just thought this would be nice tonight."

Sirius turned to face Remus again and he nodded, throat too tight to even try to speak. He let go of Remus' hand and reached up to divest himself of his robe.

"Let me," Remus whispered and Sirius obediently complied.

With gentle hands Remus made short work of the clothes Sirius wore. Sirius sighed as those comforting, quill-callused hands stroked soothing and warm over his skin, caressing each newly uncovered bit. When he finally stood naked before Remus, he saw tears pool fresh in those deep amber eyes. "You're so beautiful, Sirius... so incredibly beautiful," Remus breathed, his hands sliding slowly down Sirius' arms as he gazed at the man he loved.

Sirius smiled a tentative, trembling smile at his lover in return, his eyes smoky gray with the combined passions of desire, aching and sadness.

Remus reached up, rubbing the back of his long fingers against Sirius' cheek. "Do you want to use a memory charm just for a little while tonight?"

Sirius' face registered his confusion.

Remus smiled. "Just while we make love -- you won't remember events of the past few days..."

"NO!" Sirius said fiercely as he grabbed Remus' hand tightly. "No, Remus. If you are to be taken from me, I refuse to let go of any moment I've spent with you, even the painful ones."

"I only thought that maybe you would... perhaps then be able to give in to your passion more if you forgot what.. what tonight means."

"No, Moony," Sirius said, shaking his head, tears shining in his eyes again.

"As you desire, Padfoot," Remus smiled, secretly pleased that Sirius did not wish to use any means of false buffering. They needed this night, this night to celebrate their love, their passion, their union one last time.

"You're the only thing I desire," Sirius whispered, voice raw with emotion. He then reached out long arms, pulling Remus to him as he slid his hands up and down the silk covered back and bent his head to take those perfect, sweetly seductive lips with his own. Sirius moaned, pulling his lover close, his tongue sliding from his mouth to play along the other man's lips, tracing the wet, honeyed seam, seeking entrance to the warmth beyond.

Remus moaned against Sirius' soft lips and opened his mouth to the slippery tongue, whining as he felt the wet silky muscle slide into his mouth and tangle gently, sweetly against his own.

Sirius' hands moved to the front of Remus' robe as they continued their desperate kissing. He stroked down the smooth cool material and unclasped it, sliding it from Remus' shoulders slowly. He finally pulled from the kiss, his eyes widening and darkening in desire as he gazed at the flesh beneath. Under the silken finery, Remus was nude. He too had wanted to make the most of this night.

Sirius' breaths panted soft from him as he let his eyes drift over Remus. Remus' skin gleamed in the dancing candlelight that softened the planes of smooth flesh and bone, casting the ivory skin in a honeyed hue that matched the gold of his eyes and tawny flame of his hair. Never in all his life had Sirius seen anything that could take his breath away the way the sight of his lover did. This glorious flesh -- so alive and vibrant and beautiful -- how could it grow cold and dark in the ground. No... he would not think of that. He **could** not contemplate such dark matters now or he would surely go mad.

Remus reached for Sirius, his hands resting loose around him and Remus felt the trembling in Sirius' hips -- a trembling he knew was borne equally of desire and fear. He stepped closer, his eyes closing as he felt the warm skin of his mate slide against his and he pulled Sirius' shaking hips close to his and whispered soft in his ear, "I love you, Sirius. Please give me tonight to show you how much."

Sirius closed his eyes against the tears and nodded. In a hoarse, husky voice he leaned in and pleaded, "I want you inside me, Remus. I want to feel you all through me. I just want to take all of you inside and never let go. I want you, your love and breath and kisses and caresses, your flesh inside me, your essence inside me... all of it, all of you... please, Remus, please."

"Yes," Remus breathed as he gently pressed Sirius back against the bed. He gasped softly as he looked down at that dark tangle of hair spreading across the pillows, the tears that made the silvery eyes sparkle very like the jewels they resembled. He crawled then slowly, seductively over his mate and whispered, "Do you remember those horrid lines I wrote you in sixth year when I attempted my poor excuse for poetry?"

Sirius gasped softly, watching as Remus moved over him, slow and graceful -- body shifting smoothly, candlelight dancing over the sliding muscles and shining in the glowing eyes. He swallowed and smiled. Yes, he remembered. Nodding, he whispered, "Hair black as the velvet night, eyes like diamonds burning bright..."

Remus smiled. "That's it. Pathetic -- I never was able to capture in words the way you captivate my soul, Sirius."

Sirius' face trembled and he closed his eyes, trying to will the tears away. This was just too heartbreaking. Remus would be disappointed. Oh, tonight of all nights... and he could not even muster his courage, reign in his sorrow enough to give his lover this one last gift.

"It was beautiful to me, Remus," he gasped past the ripping sobs that tore unheeded from the aching chasm where his chest should be.

"Oh, Sirius, my bright one," Remus whispered, his own eyes flooded with tears as he lifted his broken mate into his arms and held him tight within his grasp, his tears tracing down his cheeks to fall hot and salty on Sirius' shaking shoulders. For long moments they held each other, falling back unto the bed, crying until no more tears would come. ~~

Out in the hallway a hunched figure stood, snowy head bowed. Albus Dumbledore lifted his head, tears shining in rivulets on his withered cheeks. Inside he could hear the soft sounds of two hearts shattering and he felt his own heart throb with sorrow. He shook his head and laid his hand on the door, whispering a soft incantation-- a charm of peace and soothing -- a balm to the frantic soul of the ebony-haired wizard and Dumbledore's last gift to the gentle, scholarly werewolf whom he would always remember as a bright-eyed, inquisitive, sensitive young man who thirsted for wisdom and acceptance and love and found all of it in the end.

~~

They slept for long moments wrapped in each other's embrace -- a sweet, soothing sleep without dreams. Sirius awakened first. He opened his stinging eyes to peer at the tawny head pillowed on his chest.

It was with a sense of amazement he realized that he felt... calm, rested and achingly in awe of the man who nestled against him. He reached down and stroked his fingers through the golden hair, sighing at the softness against his fingers. Remus stirred, raising his head to regard Sirius out of sleepy, tear-reddened eyes. He smiled gently, yawning, and Sirius smiled at the sight, pulling Remus close and smothering a kiss atop his head.

Remus stretched atop Sirius feeling oddly at ease and peaceful. How strange. But then again, perhaps not so strange. He had come to terms with his own feelings about this fateful night. What hurt him was seeing his Sirius so utterly destroyed. He wanted to give Sirius some of the peace he felt. He wanted to bathe Sirius in his love, to infuse Sirius' beloved body and spirit with such love and warmth that he would always remember this night and the memory would sustain him whenever he felt lonely and cold.

He sat up slowly and with tender hands, traced Sirius' chest, smiling at the feel of that warm, satiny flesh beneath his pale hands. He moved down lower in the bed, stroking his hands down the long legs, gently kneading the tight muscles. He leaned down and so slowly, gently ran his wet tongue slowly up Sirius' legs, tracing the soft, black hairs as he gently spread the taut thighs apart. "Mmmhhh," Remus moaned huskily as he breathed in the sweet, musky aroma of his mate. "I love the way you smell, Sirius."

Sirius panted feeling the first stirrings of desire well up hot inside him as he stared into the glowing embers of Remus' lust-dilated eyes. He moaned as he watched Remus run the tip of his tongue out to wet his kiss-swollen lips. He moaned louder when Remus bent his head and gazed up at him with those fiery eyes, a wolfish grin spreading across his face.

Leaning in, his eyes still locked unto Sirius, Remus pressed his mouth to the sensitive flesh of his lover's inner thighs, laving the flesh with sweet, moist suckling kisses that sent a scorching flame of desire up Sirius's spine. Remus smiled as his lover groaned and arched his back off of the bed and he pressed his mouth harder to the delectable flesh, gently sucking and nipping it with tingly bites that he knew would further excite Sirius.

Sirius panted, allowing himself this respite from pain, allowing himself to burn in the flame of passion with Remus. "Oh... Remus," he panted, one hand reaching down to tangle in the tawny hair of his lover as it stroked seductive and teasing and soft against his thighs.

Remus sighed, his eyes closing, as he feasted on this glorious flesh, relishing the taste of him, the scent of him, the feel of the warm skin and whisper soft hair -- drowning...

Sirius groaned, his desire evident in the aching erection that throbbed full and erect and... oddly ignored... for the time being. "Remus..." he begged, pleading in desire, "please... I... "

Remus lifted his head. He nodded, sliding his tongue along his lips, before he leaned in to trace his wet, curling tongue against the tender skin of Sirius' balls, bathing them with heated breath as he lapped at the soft skin, moaning his pleasure to do so. He opened his lips, gently mouthing him.

Sirius panted, his hips trembling, his hand curling unconsciously into Remus' soft hair, pressing that loving, handsome face tighter to him. "Moony, oh... sweet Merlin, Moony, do it... please..." he begged, almost crying with need.

Remus slid one hand up Sirius' chest, playfully tweaking a nipple to erectness before sliding it up to Sirius' mouth, tracing the lips. Sirius opened his mouth and sucked the finger inside, laving it with hot moisture as he whined around it.

Remus slowly moved his mouth, leaving the flesh glistening behind him as he moved his tongue up, sliding it slowly up the shaft of Sirius' aching cock, curling the hot, wet ribbon of tongue along the burning flesh. He ran his tongue in slow circles around the tip of Sirius' erection, lapping up the pearly fluids that seeped from him. "You taste so divine," he moaned around the smooth, hard flesh that he sank his mouth down on, surrounding it with heated moisture.

Sirius arched his back from the bed, Remus' finger slipping from his mouth, as pleasure so intense that it felt he would die of it swelled through him as Remus began firmly, gently suckling and swallowing him, devouring him whole. He groaned and grasped tightly at Remus' head as his lover kept sliding down to take Sirius fully into his throat.

"I've always admired that lack of gag reflex in you," Sirius laughed breathlessly before whining again as Remus pulled up to lightly spank and circle his cockhead again with the underside of his tongue. Golden eyes flashed up at Sirius from beneath long, tawny lashes before those beautiful eyes closed again as Remus sank once more on the sweating, aching length, sucking it firmly, as he slid his hand down and began gently tracing the saliva-drenched tip of one long finger against the tight, puckered ring of flesh below.

"Wait... I'm gonna... oh, Moony," Sirius panted huskily, feeling a trembling pleasure shooting fiery tendrils of sensation through his long body.

Remus just suckled him harder as he gently worked his finger inside him, stroking the heated soft flesh in a circling caress.

"Oh... Oh... Reeemus," Sirius screamed in pleasure, his body jerking atop the bed, hips snapping wildly, as he came in thick, hot, long spurts deep within his lover's greedy mouth.

Remus sucked the warm seed up hungrily, moaning as he reached down with one hand to stroke his own throbbing erection. He sat up and spat some of the thick semen into his hands and stroked it against his own cock, coating it.

Sirius lay dazed with pleasure, legs spread rosy and wanton, as he watched Remus from behind half-closed lids as his lover coated his erection and then lifted Sirius' hips from the bed. "Siri, hand me a pillow," Remus gasped, his normally smooth voice rough with desire.

Sirius frantically grabbed the pillow beside him and shoved it under his back, wriggling to get it beneath his hips.

Remus was moaning softly as he slid in a second finger, gently stretching the smooth walls, preparing Sirius carefully, as he always did.

"Ohh... fuck it, Moony," Sirius gasped, pleasure drunk and impatient, "it's fine, just do it... god... please...I need it... I need you.. need you inside..."

Remus growled softly and leaned up. "Love you, Padfoot," he panted as he positioned himself and slid his hot aching slick cock deep inside the amazing tight warmth of his writhing lover.

Sirius gasped, followed by a husky moan, as he felt Remus slide inside him, entering him slowly inch by delicious, throbbing inch, until he rested fully inside him. They both moaned at the intimate contact and Sirius gently squeezed up, milking the hot shaft inside him.

Remus groaned and pressed his hands to Sirius' thighs, pressing them back gently as he leaned forward and began sliding his slick cock in and out of the sweet, tight velvet passage. His head bent forward, his hair obscuring his face as he grunted and growled, plunging in and out of the delicious heat as Sirius moaned and arched below him.

"I want to kiss you," Sirius gasped, reaching to grasp unto the smooth, sweating back. Remus lifted his head, smiling slowly, his eyes rolling back as he growled softly again, undulating against Sirius, his hips pressing and grinding against him sweatily.

"Please,.." Sirius gasped, desperate to suck the sweetness from that softly growling mouth.

Remus surged forward, lifting Sirius' hips higher as Sirius wrapped long, sweaty legs around his mate, embracing him outside and within his body. His arms slid around Remus' back tighter, one hand pushing into the sweaty tawny hair, pushing Remus' head closer to him. Remus panted and leaned in, his tongue falling from his mouth to tease along Sirius' lips before sliding inside to lap along its companion.

Sirius whimpered, desperately kissing, swirling his tongue against Remus' as the thrusts into his backside grew longer, deeper, so powerful that he rocked in helpless waves against the bed.

Remus sucked Sirius' tongue, nipping gently at the end of it, as he pushed deep in and out of his mate, feeling his climax building steadily inside him at the feel of Sirius' sweating, sweet, hot, tight, beautiful body that held him in every single way possible now -- legs around him, arms enclosing him, hot flesh enveloping him, a sweet mouth devouring him -- oh... too much sensation...

Sirius pulled from the kiss, gasping and grabbed unto Remus' head looking deep into the feral, gorgeous eyes above him, "Harder, Moony," he panted and Remus pushed harder and faster into him. "Yes," Sirius arched and rolled beneath him, rubbing his erection against the smooth flesh of Remus' belly. "I want you, all of you, all of you inside me, a part of me," Sirius panted, almost chanting, "all of you, in me... a part of me... forever..."

Remus growled and moaned, moving faster now as he reached one hand down to grasp the sweating, leaking length that swelled and stroked against his stomach. Sirius gasped, arching into the strong hand as Remus pumped him in time with his heavy thrusts.

Sirius yelled in pleasure, hair falling around him in sweaty black ribbons as he arched his neck, raising his hips, meeting Remus' thrusts.

Remus sped up and threw back his head, sweat rolling down his long neck as he grunted and growled atop Sirius, angling his thrusts to hit Sirius' prostate.

"Moony! Ohhhh.... uhh...." Sirius gasped, the sensations overcoming him in a flood of pleasure that rolled over him, tossing him like so much flotsam in its swirling depths, and he was lost, floating, streaming now... his body jerking and convulsing in climax, a heavy spurt of hot semen coating their sweaty stomachs and chests.

Remus howled in pleasure at the rapturously sweet clenching of hot velvet flesh around his cock, he plunged one last time and grabbed Sirius' head by the hair, almost roughly lifting it from the pillow, ravaging it with a feverishly hungry kiss, as he came hard, spurting thick and hot deep within his lover's heated depths, pleasure wracking him so hard that he whimpered against Sirius' kissing mouth.

Sirius whined into the sweet open mouth above him, relishing the heat and rush of Remus' essence as it emptied inside him. Remus pulled gasping from the kiss and fell heavy, panting, sweaty across Sirius, burying his face into Sirius' neck and hair.

Sirius lowered his legs, letting them fall open to the side, as he stroked his fingers through the wet tangles of Remus' hair, kissing his damp face gently. "I love you, so beautiful..."

Remus smiled, sated, bathed in love, against Sirius' chest. "I love you too, Siri, I love you too." 

~~+~~

It was with somber faces and heavy hearts that the three wizards made their way down the cold, cruel corridors toward the dungeons. The silence between them was almost deafening, the sharp clap of their boots and shoes over the cool, unforgiving stone the only sound to break the quiet. The heartache and fear radiating from each of them filled the air with a tension so thick, it could be cut with a knife. Harry could literally feel the anxiety pouring off of his two guardians. It was a struggle just to keep his own emotions in check as he thought about what life would be like without the kind, softly spoken, brilliant Remus Lupin. And when he thought about what the man's absence would do to Sirius, his sorrow doubled, and it was almost too much to bear.

As soon as he'd found out about their predicament, and despite Sirius' assurances that he'd checked every possible source, Harry had found Ron and Hermione and urged them to sit in the library with him, pouring intensely over books on curses and lycanthropy and death potions. He'd thought they would have a difficult time convincing Madam Pince to allow them to search these books as most of them were in the restricted section, but he was pleasantly surprised to discover that Dumbledore had already sent permission.

But of course Dumbledore would know about Remus' condition. They'd come here to seek his advice after all. And it wouldn't be hard to figure out that Sirius would have to tell Harry at some point, and that Harry--upon gaining this knowledge--would do anything possible to help. Harry had to smile as he thought about his elderly mentor. Dumbledore had an uncanny way of knowing exactly what was needed at exactly the right time. And he truly cared about people. He was a very giving, understanding man, and Harry often wondered where he would be without him.

He regretted that he couldn't fully explain the situation to Ron and Hermione, but he had promised Sirius, after all, and he wasn't one to go back on his word. He told them only that it was research for Remus and that it was very important. Understanding his need for secrecy, they didn't push the issue, but set themselves to searching with all of the concentration they could muster. Harry had hoped that Hermione's sharp wit and Ron's determination would be enough to uncover something he and Sirius hadn't previously thought of, but it was to no avail. It seemed there was nothing to contradict the werewolf's fate. Harry had failed a man that meant more to him than nearly anything else in the world--a man who had never let him down in return, but who had nurtured him and shown him what a **real** family could be like.

As they neared the door to Snape's personal chambers, Sirius began to shudder violently. Concern etched in every feature, Remus reached out a hand and laid it gently on his lover's shoulder. Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, sucking in a breath, unable to look into the eyes of the man he so loved.

With trepidation and much hesitation, Harry moved forward on shaky legs. He stood motionless for a moment, staring up at the large expanse of foreboding wood that would grant him entrance to the darkness beyond. He bit his lip, mustering the courage to do that which he knew he must. Finally, breathing deeply, he knocked on the solid door, causing the noise to reverberate and echo through the suddenly cold, cruel passage.

The door creaked open slowly, and Remus reached for Harry's hand, the other one gripping tightly to Sirius'. They stood there together for a moment--a solid wall of stoic force, taking comfort in one another, and offering an ounce of consolation in return.

Dumbledore appeared in the doorway, his face a mask of somber acceptance, yet there was a faint twinkle in his eyes that spoke of secrets and magic unnamed. He studied the three of them for a moment, blue eyes traveling from face to face, to the clasped hands, joining them together even closer than before. Theirs was an inexplicable bond--one that spoke of fate and undying devotion.

"Remus, Sirius, Harry," he nodded to each of them in turn. "Please, come in." He stepped back, allowing them entrance, but for a moment, they simply stood there, attempting to mentally will themselves to take those few steps that would seal their fates forever. Finally, Harry--mustering all of his courage--strode slowly forward, attempting to be brave for his godfather. He knew this was the hardest thing either of his guardians had ever had to face--even more brutal than his own parents' deaths and the imprisonment of an innocent man. For this spoke of eternity and a bond of love so strong, one could nearly feel it in the air around them.

As Harry stepped into the dimly lit chamber, Dumbledore laid a calming hand on his shoulder. No words were spoken between them, but none were needed. Dumbledore knew the effect this was having on Harry, to lose one of the only two men who connected him to his father. And in turn, Harry knew that it broke Dumbledore's heart to witness this destruction of the wise man that he'd taken in as a young child--watching him grow, seeing the potential in him even so long ago when no one else would have looked past his lycanthropy and given him a chance. Harry laid his hand very briefly over Dumbledore's, telling him he understood. Then, he turned away, biting his lip to hold back tears as he entered the chamber.

"Don't do it..." Sirius whispered desperately, clutching onto Remus' hand so hard it was beginning to lose feeling. "Don't cross that threshold. Don't give your life like this. Don't leave me. Please, I **beg** you!"

Remus closed his eyes, twin streams of silvery tears flowing down his cheeks from beneath golden lashes. The very thought of going through with this was breaking his heart. Doubt filled him, along with grief and despair, and yet, he **knew** he must do this. They had been over this a thousand times already. But he didn't want to argue, and he had no words of comfort left to offer. "Sirius," he said simply. "I love you. Don't ever forget that."

"And I you." Said with conviction and more than a bit of grief.

The room was surprisingly warm. All of the wall sconces were alight, casting evil, dancing shadows on the walls--laughing silhouettes that seemed to taunt them with their gleeful movement.

Severus gestured to a small bed that rested against the wall near his overly large cauldron. The mattress was tattered and full of holes-- probably, Sirius figured angrily, a reflection of how valuable Severus found a werewolf. Remus, however, didn't seem resentful in the least, and moved toward it slowly, yet with purpose, gingerly testing the springs before allowing his full weight to settle down atop it.

Severus stared at him for a moment, his black eyes oddly calculative, and somehow warmer than Sirius was used to seeing them. Still, he couldn't help but feel malice and hatred toward the man who was about to take his lover's life, and as Snape turned his back to busy himself with vials of liquid, he cast him an evil glance and stuck out his tongue.

Harry eyed the scene with a mixture of fear and regret and sorrow. It all seemed so unfair. First his parents were taken from him--before he even got the chance to know them--and now a man that had cared for him like a son--who loved his father like a brother--was being torn from him as well. He felt hot tears stinging at the backs of his eyes and he fought valiantly to suppress them as he stood across the room from his two guardians, granting them space as they talked quietly, gripping tightly to one another's hands. He couldn't hear their voices, wasn't quite able to read their lips, but the look in both their eyes spoke of unnamable love and devotion and sorrow. His heart nearly broke as he watched them--two tortured souls, having foregone so much more than they'd deserved, now readying themselves to part from the only person that truly understood them. Harry thought briefly of Ron and Hermione, and what he might do without them should they be snatched from this world. The thought had haunted him almost daily for a time as they fought together against the evil powers of Lord Voldemort. It was still a concern. And every time he looked at them, he was reminded of the camaraderie of his parents with Sirius, Remus and Peter. He knew that Ron nor Hermione would ever betray him as Peter had done his parents, and he knew that he had found with them what his father had in Sirius and Remus, and he simply could not imagine life without them by his side.

"Remus...there has to be another way...there **has** to." Sirius whispered desperately, still clutching so tightly to Remus' hand that it had now gone almost completely numb. Still, Remus didn't care. This was the last chance he would ever have to feel Sirius' touch, and he gripped back just as determinedly, running the long, thin fingers of his other hand back through Sirius' soft, thick locks.

"I wish there was, Sirius. **God** , I wish there was. I would give **anything** to remain here with you--to be granted but one more week in your presence--to feel you in my arms, to smell your warm breath, the musk of your flesh, your hair. To gaze into those perfect stars you call eyes and see in them a reflection of the love and desire and dedication I feel for **you**. But it is not to be, Sirius. And for now, we have to let it go."

But Sirius didn't want to let it go. He'd done too much "letting go" for a lifetime. It was about time that life took a turn for him now, that he be allowed to have the things that meant the most to him. He simply could not accept the idea of losing Remus a second time. Life was not fair, but he'd be damned if he let Remus slip through his fingers without putting up a fight. He'd go kicking and screaming if he had to.

Remus bit his lip in concern at the pained, angered look on Sirius' face. Again, he ran his hand through that soft black silk of hair he so cherished. He ran the fingers of his other hand lovingly over the smooth, tanned skin of Sirius' jaw. His lover had shaved only just a few hours ago, hoping to look his best as Remus peered at him one last time. The thought of that nearly broke Remus' heart and his resolve, but he held steadfast, gently caressing his love's face, golden eyes boring sorrowfully yet lovingly into molten silver.

"It's the right thing to do, Sirius," he said softly.

Sirius closed his eyes, a pained look twisting his features. "Not here. Not like this."

"Oh, love..." Remus' voice was barely audible over his grief. He wrapped his arms around Sirius' body, feeling the shaking sobs that wracked through him. He ran his hand over his lover's hair, hot tears already beginning to stream down his own face. "Shhh...it's going to be alright, Sirius. Everything is going to be okay."

"No...no, Remus..." Sirius continued to sob, fingers curling around the folds in Remus' robe, clutching desperately, in an attempt to hold on tightly enough so that the man he so loved would not be able to go. "It will never be okay. Never. I'll die without you..."

Harry, witnessing this spectacle, began to cry himself, and he hurried over to the two men, wrapping his arms around them both.

"Sirius..." Remus' voice came out as a hoarse whisper, tears streaming freely down his face from shining golden eyes as he gazed up into the face of his lover. "Please, Sirius--take care of Harry. Fulfill the promise you made to James. Don't follow me into death."

Sirius stared at Remus for a moment before turning his gaze upon Harry. He bit his lip suppressing a sob as he took in the expressive eyes now filled with tears, the messy thatch of black hair. He looked so much like James. And as much as he wanted to deny Remus this request, to end his own suffering and despair, he knew that he must not-- **could** not turn his back on his word. James had been his dearest, closest friend, and he'd already let him down once. He'd vowed to himself long ago never to do it again. Besides, although Harry was nearly grown, he knew that the boy needed him--for guidance, for a connection to his past, and most importantly for the love only a nurturing father could provide.

"Yes..." he closed his eyes against the stinging wetness that burned there. "Yes, Remus. I promise."

Harry felt truly touched that Sirius would be willing to sacrifice eternity with Remus to remain with him and continue to care for him as a son. Truly, Harry wasn't sure what he would have done had Sirius denied Remus' request. He knew that he was old enough and more than capable of caring for himself, yet a part of him would be forever missing should he lose both of these men to the travesty of fate.

Remus smiled sadly. "You have always meant the world to me, Sirius. Remember that day in our second year when we first kissed? Back then, we were so confused. Neither of us could be entirely sure of our feelings. But even then, I knew. I knew that I loved you--and I will **always** love you. You are the star that shines down upon me in my darkest hours. And even while we were separated, I knew I could always look up to the heavens to find you there, spreading your light over me like a blanket. It has brought me comfort in the most tragic of times. And now, I too will be your beacon of light. Whenever the moon is full, do not be afraid to look upon it. Stand beneath it's glowing light, and know that I am there.

A wracking sob shuddered through Sirius at these heartfelt words. He remembered what he'd said to Remus only a couple of nights previous-- _'I'll never be able to look at the moon again...never...'_ Remus was his moon--his pensive, beautiful Moony. He had changed his life, given him reason to hope and believe. Where would he be when that hope was gone? Where could he turn to find solace? The moon was beautiful, truly, but it was also cursed and full of hate. Could he dare to gaze upon it?

"Harry..." Remus said quietly.

"Yes, Remus...?"

"I...I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you."

Harry bit his lip and lowered his head. Right about now, he didn't feel so worthy of that sentiment. He'd failed this man utterly and completely. And there were so many things Remus still didn't know about him--some things in his past that he wasn't particularly proud of.

"You...are so much like your father, Harry--caring, considerate, brave, noble, affectionate, and above all else, self-sacrificing. I know that your parents still watch over you, and they will always. I know that they're very, very proud of you, Harry."

Harry began to cry again.

"Don't be sad, please Harry. I will see them both soon, and I will tell them what a wonderful son they have, and what a pleasure it has been getting to know him. I will be with them, watching over you both. And please, Harry..."

He lifted the boy's chin with a gentle finger, staring into emerald bright, tear-filled eyes. "Take care of Sirius for me. He needs you now more than ever."

Harry nodded, barely able to get his voice to move past the large lump in his throat. "I will, Remus," was all he could manage.

"As much as this touches my heart..." Snape turned to them, holding up a vial of steaming indigo liquid. "It is about time to get this over with."

Sirius growled, anger lashing through every pore of his body. Remus latched onto his arm as he lunged at the hook-nosed man, and pulled him back down.

"Severus," Dumbledore eyed him sternly, a hint of chastisement in his kindly voice. "Don't you think you are being a bit insensitive? Give them a moment to say their goodbyes. This is not an easy thing."

"Yes, headmaster..." Was that a flash of guilt in those eyes? "But the more time that passes, the more difficult this ritual will become. I was only trying to make it easier."

Again, Sirius attempted to rise from his seat, face reddening with anger. "You lying son of a--"

"Sirius... **please**..." Remus' voice helped to calm him down a bit, although had the seriousness of this moment and his own grief not been present, he would have pummeled his adversary into the cold stone floor right then and there.

Remus gripped Sirius' hand in his right and Harry's in his left, squeezing hard. Then, with a faint smile at the headmaster, he said, "I'm ready."

Severus moved toward him cautiously in a swirl of black robes, almost as if he was afraid that Sirius might jump up and strangle him at any moment. But currently, his attention was fixed upon the man he loved, upon the exquisiteness of that face, the sheer ethereal beauty of those flaming amber eyes. He remembered all the nights of heated gazes and expert touches. Oh how that look of want and need and devotion could drive him wild. How he would miss those eyes once they were closed forever in sleep. Would he see it, the instant that life fled from that perfect, porcelain frame? Would he be able to see the deadened look in those eyes? It pained him to think of that sparkling light that reflected such life fading out into nothing. He couldn't bear the mere thought of it, and so he glanced away.

Calmly, Remus took the vial from Severus' pale hands, the trembling in his own fingers the only indication of his fear and apprehension. He stared into the glass container, studying the swirling purple- black of the poison within. It was quite beautiful really, and he suddenly found himself wondering why he'd never much liked potions class.

"This," Severus said matter-of-factly. "Is the Draught of Living Death. A few drops will render the drinker nearly lifeless. His heart rate will drop noticeably, his breath ceasing, so that all around him will believe him to be dead. With a normal dosage, the drinker of such an elixir will be like unto death. However, he can be brought back with the counter curse. The potion, in it's more...potent...form, such as you hold there, Lupin, is fatal."

Beside him, Remus could hear Harry's sharp intake of breath, and could feel the blood draining from his hand as Sirius latched on, squeezing for dear life, begging him soundlessly not to do this.

_It is the only way, love..._ Remus thought desperately. _I'm so sorry, but it is the only way..._

"I assure you," Severus went on, as though unfazed. "it will be painless."

With that, all eyes turned to Remus. He lifted the vial slowly, once again mesmerized by the dark, swirling colors that made up the potion. Still gripping tightly to Sirius, he moved the trembling hand closer, resting the edge of the container against his lips. Closing his eyes, he said a prayer--

_Please, let this work. Take away my transgressions and free my soul. Save Sirius--take away his pain and suffering. Give us our lives back. Cleanse us. And may we reunite someday for eternity._

And then, he downed the contents of the vial.

Sirius began to tremble beside him as he studied his face, watching in horror for signs of pain or anguish. After everything, he still did not trust Snape to be a man of his word--especially after he'd tainted his own potion the previous night so that it tasted even fouler than neccessary.

Remus swallowed, expecting to wretch from the taste, but found it to be surprisingly pleasant. The smooth, sweet fluid flowed down his throat like silk. It reminded him of candy and the tang of fruit-- such a sharp contrast from the wolfsbane.

Dumbledore was before them now, kneeling down so that he might be face to face with the man on the bed. "Remus," he said softly. "I hope you know that you will always have a place here--" he laid a hand over his chest. "--in my heart. Know that you will be written into the Hogwarts history books as a man of impeccable character and extreme aptitude in the area of teaching. You will not be forgotten."

Remus could see the tears welling in those sparkling blue eyes, and he reached out, gripping his hand for a moment. "Thank you, headmaster. And believe me when I say that **I** shall never forget **you**. You have done more for me than any man should, and I am eternally in your debt."

Dumbledore smiled sadly at the werewolf, wishing beyond hope that this could have ended differently. It was heartbreaking to watch two people who clearly meant so much--who had **suffered** so much--now being wrenched apart in such a way. The world would truly suffer from the loss of Remus J. Lupin, whether or not they realized it.

Remus blinked as Dumbledore's visage warbled in and out of view. It was as if he was looking up at him from beneath a pool of water. He felt loving hands enwrap him and push him gently back against the pillows, stroking through his hair. He blinked again, twin stars of silver light hovering over him, offering their light and comfort as everything around him began to dim.

"I love you..." those stars seemed to say, and Remus smiled.

"I love you too, my bright one...so beautiful..." he gasped.

Merlin, but he was sleepy. He settled back into the pillows, allowing the fatigue to overtake him. His eyelids fluttered for a moment as he was torn between wakefulness and eternal sleep, not wishing to leave this world behind just yet, but the pull was strong.

Sirius continued to thread his fingers through Remus' hair, his face twisted in sorrow as he watched a part of himself die. He knew he would never be the same.

And suddenly, just as Remus was about to pass into the realm of dreams, his tranquil body jerked violently on the bed, eyes flying open in astonished wonderment. " **James**!?" he gasped, irises alight like molten fire.

Sirius' own eyes grew round as he stared at him, heart racing, breath coming in restrained gasps.

"Oh, James..." Remus smiled. "My old friend. It's so good to see you..."

Sirius could take it no longer. He cried out in agony, and collapsed into a fit of sobs, Harry latching onto him for support. As the life quickly began to fade from Remus' body, Sirius took one last look at the man who had become his soul mate--his very life and breath. Remus smiled, a bittersweet, painless smile, gazing one last time up into those eyes like sparkling silver stars before he closed his own and surrendered to eternal peace.


	14. 13

"God...No... **NO**!" The words were wrenched violently from a throat that was already far too raw and scratchy from crying. Amber eyes dulled to a rich brown, the faint howl of the wolf announcing its departure as the lids fell closed, never again to open. "No, please. Don't leave me, Remus. **Please**!"

Surrendering to complete and utter despair, Sirius leaned over the peaceful, still form on the bed, arms wrapping around it tightly as he sobbed. "Please..." he whispered desperately, although he knew that no amount of pleading would bring Remus back now. His chest tightened painfully, heart aching--not only from the sorrow of his great loss, but now also of real, tangible pain. Was he dying too? Had witnessing Remus' demise been too much for his own body to bear? He secretly hoped that was the case. All those long years of torment in Azkaban, he had clung to the idea and the hope that Remus was still alive and well, and that someday they would be reunited. He'd held fast to the prospect of forgiveness and love that Remus had so easily granted. Now that his one hope in a world of mistrust and pain was gone, he didn't know how he would carry on without him. But, as he gazed upon Harry, felt the tight grip of the boy's fingers curling around his own, witnessed with undeniable clarity the pain and regret shining brightly in the twin emeralds, he was suddenly reminded of his promise to Remus. He must remain here and take care of the boy. Harry was all he had left, and he realized that in turn, **he** was really the only family that remained for Harry as well.

But for the moment, all Sirius could concentrate on was the strong pull that was swiftly overtaking his body. Something **odd** and very alarming was beginning to happen to him. With great reluctance, Sirius pulled away from the body on the bed and sat up a bit, moaning in wounded confusion as tendrils of pain began to spiral down his arms and legs, clenching deep within his gut and causing it to spasm chaotically. A sudden wave of nausea gripped him, and he doubled over, clutching his abdomen and breathing raggedly in a desperate attempt not to wretch.

"Sirius!" Harry latched even tighter onto his hand, concern and fear washing over him as he stared, mouth agape, unable for a moment to figure out what to do.

Sirius' eyes grew wide as he gazed into the boy's face. "What's happening...?"

Harry shifted his gaze, resting it first on Dumbledore, and then on Snape, worry and bewilderment lighting up in those emerald irises. "What have you done to him?" His voice was a near whisper as he stared at his potions teacher, attempting to discern the emotions that were currently playing across his face.

"Oh, he'll be fine," Severus said at last, a hint of the usual maliciousness creeping in to cover up the anxiety in his voice. "Now that the alpha has been disposed of, the beta wolf is dying. And if I know anything about lycanthropy, it will not go willingly."

Sirius was enraged at the careless way in which Snape referred to his beloved Remus' 'disposal'. He had half a mind to punch him in his overly large nose for this travesty, but currently his own pain held him back.

Harry glanced at Dumbledore. "Are you sure this is safe?"

Albus nodded, a twinkle burning in those soft blue eyes. "This is a very old magic. Rest assured Harry, all will be well."

The pain in Sirius' limbs had begun to subside, the waves of nausea in his stomach soothing, leaving a feeling of emptiness in its wake. Sirius shut his eyes tight, willing away the rest of the pain that lingered like a dull throb nagging at his chest. And then suddenly, as his breathing had begun to return to normal, a shooting wave of intense pain stabbed through the very core of him, and he cried out, face wrenched with pain. The last thing he was aware of before he blacked out was Harry's concerned voice calling his name.

~~+~~

He woke up moments later to find Harry and Dumbledore kneeling over him, a cool cloth pressed to his forehead. A hand was stroking back his hair soothingly, and for a moment, he was certain that all of his anguish had been a dream--that Remus was alive and well, and here with him, attempting to calm him after a horrible nightmare. However, when he opened his eyes, it wasn't amber that met him, but a brilliant shade of green, peering down at him concernedly from behind round spectacles. As he gazed up into the pale, weary face, suddenly truth struck him with startling clarity. Remus was dead. Oh **god**!

"Shhh...Sirius, it's alright. Don't try to move. Your body is very weak"

It was true. The pain was completely gone, but it left behind tremendous fatigue and a nagging emptiness--a void within his breast that was nearly as agonizing as the pain had been. He laid a hand over his chest and breathed deeply, concentrating on the steady thrum of his wildly beating heart--a heart that was no longer tainted with evil or damnation. He felt lighter than he had since that fateful night, yet he was unable to fully enjoy this new sense of freedom. For now, he'd found a new prison, and it was called despair.

Carefully, Harry and Dumbledore helped him into a sitting position, both faces etched with gloom and anxiety.

"What...what happened to me?" He croaked, even though he already knew the answer.

"The wolf is gone." Severus said nonchalantly, waving his hand as if in impatience, or perhaps as if none of this really mattered.

Harry shot him a dirty glance over his shoulder, then turned back to his godfather. "It's okay, Sirius. When the wolf died, you blacked out. You're going to--" But suddenly Harry was paralyzed with wonder. As their eyes met for the first time since the wolf had left him, Harry noticed that the glowing, molten silver that had overtaken Sirius' irises upon being cursed with the wolf, had now dulled back to their normal grey--still beautiful, like a stormy sea, but not quite as bright. Not quite as otherworldly.

"What is it?"

"Your eyes...they're...well... **normal**."

Tears began to leak from those grey pools, streaking Sirius' clean-shaven face with their salty fluid. He closed them then, resting his head back against the wall, and taking in a shuddering breath. "He did it, then. It worked. God, Remus...thank Merlin your sacrifice was not in vain."

How terrified he'd been that Remus would give up his life, only to find out that his lover's noble act had been for nothing and Sirius was still cursed. But luck had been with them and everything had gone according to plan. Suddenly he understood the cause of this strange, haunting emptiness that filled his soul--the wolf had become an integral part of him, just as Remus had. Perhaps just as Remus had died and left this world behind, a part of him had faded from Sirius' heart as well. It was torment to think of it. The loss of his lover and the wolf both had left an aching hole in his heart that he knew could never be filled.

"You're cured then, Sirius?" Harry whispered, eyes hopeful.

Sirius nodded, grief filling him at the admission. "Yes, but at such a horrendous price."

They turned their eyes to Remus, studying the peaceful, beloved face. No longer were there lines around those soulful eyes to signify the pain of lycanthropy, no longer would he be forced to undergo the painful torment of transformations. He looked so young in this resting state, as if he'd only lain down for a nice long nap that had eased several years worth of pain and regret from his tragic life. They were astonished to discover that even some of the grey in his hair had faded, and the scars that marred his otherwise perfect skin were less noticeable now.

They held onto each other, allowing their tears to flow, trying desperately to find comfort in one another--anything that might soothe their grieving hearts.

After several long moments, a throat cleared behind them and they pulled apart, gazing up into a stern, obsidian eyed face. Severus spared a very quick glance at the old clock on the wall before returning his sight to the two of them, gazing down at them in agitation.

"As touching as this is...time is wasting..."

At this, an indignant Harry rose to his feet, face burning red with anger. "You insensitive prat! Can't you give us a moment? Can't you see that Sirius--that we're both grieving!? Oh, no...never mind. You don't care about anyone but yourself!"

For a moment, Harry just stood there breathing heavily, Severus staring at him in wonderment. Never, in all of his years of teaching had a student ever dared to speak to him like that. The part of him that wasn't enraged was very intrigued indeed.

"Those are quite strong words, especially coming from one of my students," Severus drawled. "I would think that instead of wasting your time slobbering all over one another, you would want to utilize what little time we have to formulate a counter curse...?"

Harry and Sirius could do nothing for a moment but stare at him completely dumbfounded. "W--what!?" Harry finally managed.

"The counter curse," Severus said more forcefully. "Have you been paying **no** attention at all in my class, Potter? Every poison has a cure. The trick is, administering it properly and in the time allotted."

Sirius was on his feet instantly, gripping Harry's shoulder tightly. He stared at Severus as if he'd never seen anything quite like him. "But Remus is... **dead**. There **is** no cure to death."

"Ahh...I can see now why I always managed to outdo you in potions, Black." There was a wry, proud grin on Severus' face that Sirius chose to ignore.

"What--why didn't you tell us this before?"

"There wasn't time."

"Wasn't **time**!? Like hell! You only had what...a **week** to inform us that Remus could be revived? You did this to make us suffer needlessly. Admit it!"

"Calm yourself, Sirius." Dumbledore laid a hand on the man's shoulder, and Sirius obliged, although a bit begrudgingly.

"He lied to us, Albus. He told us that Remus would have to die. He wanted to hurt us. He still holds a grudge against me and now he's taking it out on Harry and Remus as well."

Dumbledore gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze, and looked Snape in the eye, a condescending shadow settling there. "Severus, can you please explain why you didn't notify us of this sooner?"

"My apologies, headmaster," Snape drawled. "But I only found out this morning."

Their eyes remained locked for a few moments more, and Harry had to wonder if Dumbledore could somehow read Snape's thoughts. Finally, he nodded. "Very well then, Severus."

"But--"

"Sirius, it matters not at the moment what Severus' intentions were by withholding this information. All that matters now is Remus."

"Yes." Sirius agreed instantly, feeling his heart begin to pound. "Yes, of course." He gazed once more upon the beautiful man lying lifeless on the bed. "Remus."

"Our time is running short," Snape said as he turned his back toward them to gather up some ingredients. Harry watched in astonishment as Snape pulled down a jar which suspiciously resembled dried Mandrake root. Clearly, he was in shock over this news. A possibility of waking a dead Remus? But...death was supposed to be forever. And if they could awaken this man, why not his mother and father the day they were murdered? His mind was a jumble of thoughts, and it took him a moment before he realized that Snape was once again speaking to them.

"This potion I am concocting is a mild form of the Elixir of Life--a brew I am sure you all are familiar with." He shot a pointed look at Harry before continuing. "The Philosopher's Stone has been destroyed, and so it will be of no help to us here. However...there is a way to imitate its effects on a much lower level. That is...with the proper...sacrifices."

"Anything." Sirius said instantly, desperately wishing that Severus would just get on with it already.

Snape stood there for a moment, eyeing both Sirius and Harry carefully. "This is Mandrake," he held up the jar. With it, I can return life to a still body. But it can not restore the soul."

As Severus dumped the contents into the cauldron, Harry thought back to his second year at Hogwarts when Professor Sprout had taught them to grow their own Mandrakes into maturity to be used for the Restorative Draft that was later utilized to un-petrify his friends and fellow classmates. He understood the basics of how it worked, and like Snape said, it was only good for the body itself--not the inner workings of the mind or soul.

"The Elixir of Life granted immortality for as long as it was taken. The Waking Draught I am offering needs only one drink. However, the sacrifices will be great, and there is no time for indecision. Even now, the body grows cold, and the soul moves further toward the plane of no return."

Harry suddenly remembered back to his first year--the first class he'd ever had with Snape, and the haunting words that voice had spoken came back to him. _'I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even...put a stopper in death.'_ He swallowed at the memory. Is this what Snape had meant? What would the outcome be? Would Remus be himself, or would he become something otherworldly? The unknown in this instance scared him immensely.

"So what do we have to do?" Sirius was growing more and more impatient by the moment.

Snape eyed him carefully. Now was the time to truly test his bravery and loyalty. Would Sirius back away and let his lover down? On the one hand, the idea of watching Sirius cower and fail had a pleasant satisfaction to it. And yet...it pained him just a bit to think that such might be the case. It would destroy this man before him, completely and utterly, and it would leave a worthy man dead. But, if they didn't get on with it soon, he would never have the opportunity to know what might have been.

"What are you willing to sacrifice for this man?"

Sirius' eyes grew wide. "What? How can you even **ask** that?" He gazed lovingly upon Remus, voice lowering so he was speaking directly to his lover. "I would give anything--my heart, my life...my very **soul**..."

"Good, because that is precisely what is required."

"What do you mean?" Harry asked anxiously. "You mean Sirius has to give up his life--?"

"No, silly boy..." Snape said impatiently. "But I **am** afraid that Black must give up a part of himself in order to bring Lupin back to the world of the living. It is an enormous sacrifice, and there **will** be pain--"

"I'll do it," Sirius said without hesitation. "Whatever it takes, I'll do it."

Snape let out a breath. "Very well."

As Snape scooped up a few more ingredients and poured them into the cauldron, Harry turned to Sirius, a look of intense worry on his face. "Are you certain this is a good idea?"

"I've got to try Harry. You understand, don't you?"

Harry nodded, again thinking of Ron and Hermione and also of the intense, unbreakable love Remus and Sirius had shared. "Of course I do. I'm just worried. How do we know that Snape--"

"Won't poison me? Kill me?" He spared a quick glance at the man in question, who was currently busy emptying what looked like some sort of crushed herb into the cauldron. "We don't," he said simply.

Harry stared at his potions professor for a long while, watching him search for jars and empty contents into the cauldron. He really couldn't fathom why Snape was helping them at all, but he knew he had to trust this--it was the only hope for Remus. Besides, Dumbledore was with them, and he knew that Snape wouldn't **dare** to do something deceitful in front of the headmaster who'd trusted him enough to grant him a second chance in his school.

"I want to help too," he said suddenly.

All eyes turned on Harry, and he felt suddenly very small, yet he held his ground.

"Ahhh yes...I **thought** you might," Severus said casually. "Well, rest assured, I already have a job for you."

"But Harry, you're still so young. If something were to go wrong--"

"Then I would die doing the thing I most believed in."

Sirius gripped Harry tightly in a fierce hug.

"There will be a very short window in which to bring him back," Snape moved from around the cauldron now, addressing them directly. "Understand that the only reason this is possible is because of the Draught of Living Death. The dosage was so high, that it has tricked the body into thinking that resuscitation is impossible. However, if you listen to what I say and follow me precisely, there is a very slim chance that we will be able to coax the soul to return."

Sirius and Harry looked at one another, both completely determined to do whatever it took to restore Remus.

"Understand that there are no guarantees."

"Understood," Harry said. "What do we do?"

"We must find a way to extract some of Black's soul for the potion."

"What!?" Harry was flabbergasted at this news. "But...but that's impossible. I mean, how can you take a **part** of someone's soul? And even if it was possible, how could that person remain coherent?"

"Oh, it is possible," Dumbledore said softly. "It is...however, there is only one way I know of, and it is highly dangerous."

Sirius eyed him warily. "What is it?"

"Under any normal circumstance, I would not allow the dementors to enter these school grounds again. However--"

"A **dementor**!?" Sirius' tanned flesh blanched instantly white. Dementors were what he feared most in all the world. He'd spent twelve years in their presence, and it almost drove him to madness. While on the run, the one thing that haunted his every waking hour was the thought of being caught by these deathly creatures and being given the Kiss that would rob him of his soul entirely, leaving nothing but a hollowed out shell without thought or emotion or the ability to act. It was a fate worse than death, and he truly would rather die than face a lifetime of the alternative. The hooded creatures had haunted his dreams night after night as he lay in bed, even years after he was acquitted. They were a haunting presence that would never truly leave him. He shuddered at the very thought of them.

"I'm afraid it is the only way, Sirius," Dumbledore said regretfully.

Sirius bit his lip, terror trembling through his every limb as he envisioned an entire group of dementors swarming in around him, ready to deliver the deadly Kiss. He shut his eyes tight, trying desperately to push the images away. He had to be brave now, for Remus' sake.

"It will be incredibly dangerous," Dumbledore said again. "Sirius, you don't have to do this. We all know of your bravery and your strength. You have absolutely nothing to prove."

"No..." Sirius breathed. "No...I have to. If there's even the **slimmest** chance of bringing him back, I have to try."

Severus nodded. "Very well. Let's begin then. Headmaster, I assume you know the summoning charm that will draw the dementors here?"

"Yes, Severus. Let it be known that I highly despise bringing their presence into this school, and that I am only doing so to help young Remus."

"Duly noted," said Severus. "Now, if you please..."

Dumbledore let out a sigh. "Very well. You wouldn't happen to have any chocolate, Severus...?"

"No, I'm afraid not." Severus wasn't very fond of chocolate, ever since Sirius had jinxed his chocolate bar to turn him into a toad back in their fourth year.

"Very well. Accio chocolate frogs!" Almost instantaneously, an entire box of the sweet concoctions appeared in the elderly wizard's hand. He handed them each a few, giving the largest quantity to Harry, whom he knew was highly affected by the power of the dementors, and to Sirius who would be needing a great deal more upon his ordeal with the soul sucking.

"Sirius, I understand how difficult this will be for you, but please remember that Harry and I will be standing guard, and we will not allow the dementor to overtake you. It will take only what it needs from you and then it will be driven back. Harry?"

The boy swallowed heavily. "Yes, headmaster?"

"You remember the patronus charm, do you not?"

"Yes, of course." Remus had taught him to conjure the patronus several years ago when he was only thirteen. Since then, his ability to perform the spell had only increased in speed and accuracy.

"Very well then. On my mark, you will drive the dementor back, understood?"

Harry nodded.

"It is very important that we stop the dementor at precisely the right moment. If we allow it to latch onto Sirius for too long, it will rob him of his soul completely, and that I am afraid, is the point of no return."

Sirius, who had been remarkably silent throughout the entirety of this conversation was now so pale that he appeared ghostly.

Harry squeezed his hand, watching him carefully. "You okay, Sirius?"

He shut his eyes tight, breathing deeply in an attempt to calm his fiercely pounding heart. "No..." he whispered honestly, shaking his head.

"Are you sure you want to--"

"Let's do this."

"Very well..." Dumbledore pulled out his wand. "If at any time, you change your mind, Sirius, just say the word and it will all be over."

Sirius nodded and Dumbledore lifted the wand above his head, chanting the words of the charm that would summon the dementor. Moments later, the very air around them began to chill, filling each of them with an intense sense of dread that seemed to freeze them to the very core, rapidly stealing away all traces of hope and happiness and courage.

The room began to grow darker, the candles flickering in their sconces as the tall, dark hooded form of the dementor appeared, moving slowly yet swiftly toward the group of them. Harry shut his eyes, trying to combat the screaming voices that suddenly filled his head--the fearful yells of his mother, his father's shouts of 'Lily, go! Protect Harry!'.

Somewhere, as if miles away, he heard Dumbledore's voice, gently soothing Sirius, and he opened his eyes. The screaming still a constant, dizzying presence in his head, he spared a glance at Sirius, who was currently stepping backward, wide eyes fixed upon the monster advancing upon him. He had never seen Sirius so frightened, and the very sight of it chilled him to the bone.

Sirius backed up toward the wall, waves of freezing cold fear washing over him. Suddenly, it was as if he was back in Azkaban. He tried desperately to cling to happy memories--times of pranking with the Marauders, the day he first kissed Remus, their reunion in the Shrieking Shack, the day of his acquittal. But as each new memory came to him, it was swiftly drowned in the swirling pool of despair that was sucking him rapidly into its depths. He tried to scream but no sound came. And as grey, clammy hands reached up, withdrawing the hood, he began to hyperventilate, body quaking at the sight that greeted him. The gaping hole of a mouth drew closer, and Sirius gasped, having to mentally force himself not to call a halt to its attack. _Think of Remus..._ he told himself. _Remus is all that matters..._

The others watched in morbid fascination as what they hesitantly referred to as a face pressed down upon Sirius, covering his mouth. Harry gasped, terror flooding him at the thought that something might go wrong and his godfather would be left a vegetable.

Sirius felt the cold wash through him, rendering him immobile with fear. He could literally feel a part of him being drawn forth, steadily pulled away from him, leaving him feeling numb and incomplete. Suddenly, the fear ceased, to be replaced with lethargy, and a feeling of nothingness. For a few brief moments, it was as if nothing mattered at all anymore. He couldn't even remember his own name.

"Harry--now!"

Without a moment's hesitation, Harry lifted his wand high. _Think of something happy...the happiest thought..._ He closed his eyes briefly, conjuring images of his godfather and his mate. _Remus...Remus is going to be alright. Sirius is going to save him. He'll share his soul with him and he'll wake up. Everything's going to be alright..._

Clinging to that hope, he opened his eyes, facing the black-cloaked form of the dementor. He aimed his wand at the creature, and at the top of his voice, shouted, "Expecto Patronum!"

Instantly, a silvery stag shot out of the end of his wand and descended upon the dementor. The creature pulled away from Sirius, dropping him lifelessly to the cold stone, and began to float away.

Harry rushed to Sirius' side, fear surging through him at the site of his limp, motionless body lying pale and clammy on the floor.

"Oh god," he whispered. "Sirius..."

Dumbledore advanced upon the creature, murmuring a spell as he reached a hand within the dark folds of the hood. He cried out in pain as something powerful clamped down upon his hand, but as he withdrew it, Severus and Harry could see that a swirl of foggy mist floated in the shape of a globe in his bloody palm. There was sweat on Dumbledore's brow, but he moved with purpose toward the cauldron, tipping the swirling mist into its depths.

Again, Harry lifted his wand and shouted "Expecto Patronum!", this time forcing the dementor to glide clear from the room, back to whence it came. Dumbledore dropped down to his knees beside Harry, cradling the mangled hand, yet paying it no heed. His attention was entirely on Sirius.

Harry looked panic-stricken. "What if it took too much? What if Sirius isn't really Sirius anymore?"

But a moan from the man in question proved otherwise.

"Sirius?" Harry leaned over his godfather, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him gently. "Sirius, can you hear me? It's me, Harry."

The man's eyelids flickered and sprang open, grey irises darting from Harry's face to Dumbledore's. He forced himself upright, gasping for breath and clutching at Harry's robes desperately.

"The dementor..." he breathed. "It found me. It delivered the Kiss..."

"Shhh..." Dumbledore soothed. "It's alright now, Sirius. The dementor is gone, and it extracted only enough of your soul to give to Remus. You're in perfect condition. Rest now, and eat your chocolate.

Realizing that the terrible ordeal he'd just undergone wasn't a dream after all, Sirius shut his eyes tight, gulping in huge breaths as sobs wracked his body. It was the most disgusting, terrifying, agonizing ordeal he'd ever been forced to bear, and now that it was over, there wasn't the sense of relief he'd expected, but a nagging feeling of dread and foreboding. If he'd felt empty or incomplete after the wolf inside of him had died away, it was nothing compared to what he was now experiencing. What if he'd done this all for nothing? What if his love were never to wake up? Would that piece of his soul return to him?

Harry realized suddenly that the temperature in the room was rapidly increasing, the candlelight glowing brightly once again. The pain in his heart had lessened, and good memories had returned to him. He could only imagine what it must have been like for Sirius to undergo such a terrible procedure. It seemed his godfather shared his greatest fear, and he was certain now that Sirius was much stronger than he. For if it had been he who'd been forced to face the dementor's Kiss, it would have surely drove him to madness.

Sirius wiped his eyes, trying to gain control of himself once again. It would do him no good to sit here and sob while Remus' life wasted away. Besides, he could not give Severus the satisfaction of watching him crumble. As he rose shakily to his feet, Snape thrust a small vial at him.

"Here...collect some of your tears in this."

"W--what?"

"Just do it."

Sirius held his hand up and ran it over the lip of the bottle, collecting a few wayward tears that he'd just wiped from his eyes.

"Now you, Potter," said Snape.

Sirius handed the vial to Harry, and he followed suit, adding a few precious tears to Sirius'.

Severus poured the few drops of liquid into the cauldron, and stirred it thoroughly. "And now, just one more ingredient."

Sirius was afraid to ask, but he did so anyway. "And what might that be?"

"Hmmm..." Severus scanned a yellowed page of a very old, dusty book for a moment. "We have the soul of his mate...the tears of those who grieve for him...all we need now...is a few drops of lifeblood to seal the magic of the draught."

Harry and Sirius both stepped up, ready to sacrifice a bit of pain for the completion of the potion. Severus eyed them both, then turned toward Harry. "The boy first, I think."

Harry nodded as Severus withdrew a long, sharp needle. Harry had never been too fond of needles, and so he held out his hand, turning his head as Severus sank the tip into the pad of his index finger. Crimson fluid began to bubble forth, and he squeezed the finger over the mixture, adding a couple drops. Instantly, the liquid in the cauldron flamed and smoked, burning a bright red. Images of his fourth year at Hogwarts came to him then--the terrifying night when Cedric had died and Voldemort had held Harry captive, drawing his blood for a potion to restore his body. But **this** potion didn't require flesh and bone as Voldemort's had. It required pain, yes, but for a cause more than worthy of the mental and physical anguish.

Harry stepped away, focusing his attention on Dumbledore as Severus repeated the procedure on Sirius, adding a couple drops of his own blood. As soon as the liquid touched the potion, it flamed even higher, glowing brightly.

Dumbledore's hand was still a bloody mess. As far as Harry knew, no one before had ever dared to breach the concealment of a dementor's hood willingly. The headmaster had to be one of the bravest, most self-sacrificing people Harry had ever known.

"Does it hurt much?" he asked.

"Like the dickens." But the old wizard was smiling. He touched the tip of his wand to the wound, muttered a healing charm, and his flesh was restored as new. Then, he pointed the wand to Harry's finger, and moments later, there was no trace of Snape's handiwork.

Severus watched, eyes alight as the potion bubbled and hissed, complete now and ready to be tested. He'd never actually concocted this particular draught before, but if it worked, it would be his greatest accomplishment to date. There had only been a handful of recorded instances when this potion had been brewed, and only one that had actually been successful. However, Severus knew that he was a very capable potions master, and so he placed his trust in that knowledge. If this failed, he could tell himself that he'd done his best and that he'd only done as much as any other wizard of his caliber could have. However, if he succeeded...

"Well..." Severus breathed, putting on his best apathetic expression. "Let us test our creation, shall we?"

Harry and Sirius apprehensively made their way to Remus' bedside, a mixture of emotion flowing through them both. Sirius was so desperate for the company of his mate. He was so in love, even now, and he needed Remus. He needed him more than words could ever express. Yet he was afraid--terrified. What if this didn't work? What would he do without this man he so loved? Worst yet, what if it backfired? Would Remus become a zombie, something of the world of the living dead? He couldn't even bear the thought. Still, he knew that if he didn't try, he would never know what might have been, and that thought haunted him worse than any other.

He and Harry knelt down on either side of Remus. They looked into one another's eyes, sharing a meaningful glance that spoke of mutual love, devotion and respect. No matter what happened now, they would always have one another, and that would never change.

Harry laid a hand under Remus' neck, tilting his head back just a bit as Sirius took the vial from Severus. With a trembling hand, he moved the vial to Remus' lips, pulled open his jaw, and tipped the contents down his lover's throat.

All eyes focused on the silent form on the bed as the minutes ticked slowly, agonizingly by.

"It's hopeless," Sirius said at last. "Your crummy potion didn't work, Snape." He threw the used vial across the room. The sound of tinkling glass could be heard as it made contact with the wall. "We failed."

He leaned down, placing a soft kiss to Remus' forehead. "I'm sorry, love. I'm so sorry I failed you..."

But something had begun to happen. Long, golden lashes had begun to flicker over pale cheeks, the sharp intake of breath sounding as if from lungs that had gone unused for far too long.

"Sirius, look!" Harry shouted.

All four men stared anxiously at the man who had begun to stir on the bed. Fresh tears were falling down Sirius' face, but he wasn't yet sure whether to be happy or terrified.

Remus' eyes flicked open, and he stared at the ceiling for a moment, unseeing. Eyes that had faded to brown as the wolf had fled in death were once again sparkling--even brighter than before--with the familiar rich, honeyed shade of amber Sirius so adored. However, something about those eyes was incredibly different--for the amber was now rimmed with the most remarkable molten silver Sirius had ever seen. They were truly frightening in their beauty.

"Sirius..." Harry gasped, staring at the ring of silver that outlined the gold. "He has your eyes."

"Truly the eyes are the windows to one's soul," Dumbledore smiled. "I think it is safe to assume that the part of your soul that you sacrificed has been successfully transferred to Remus."

With those words, the freshly opened eyes suddenly seemed to fill with life. A sharp intake of breath elicited a cough that wracked through Remus' chest. Sirius ran a hand back through the soft golden locks he so adored, noticing how some of the stress lines had returned to the otherwise perfect face, a hint more grey in the tawny locks, signaling the wolf's return.

Slowly, Remus turned those molten eyes to peer up at his lover, and a soft smile appeared on flushed lips. "Sirius? Why are you crying, love?"

And with that, Sirius burst into the most blissful tears he had ever cried.

~~+~~

Torchlight sputtered, casting shadows on the wall as golden light spilled from the flickering flames illuminating the slender figures huddled on the ragged mattress below, bathing even that torn bedding with amber light, softening the folds and hiding the filth.

And leaning down, his body trembling with sobs of relief and overwrought emotion, Sirius lifted Remus into his arms, fairly crushing his mate - his mate that had been taken but was now returned - living and warm and whole and beautiful - to him. He buried his tear-stung face into the soft, tawny silvered hair and he slumped in blissful relief as he felt the long, strong arms he loved slide up around him, returning his embrace tightly. Sirius thought that if he were to die in this very moment, at the very moment of sweet reunion with his lover, his best friend, his mate -- the literal holder of the best of his soul -- he would die a contented man in the living, loving comfort of Remus' warmth.

For a long, long moment the two enfolded together forgot the others in the room and paid no heed to the strange brilliance of the resurrection. They simply existed in the moment - a perfect moment of relief and love, of comfort and the warm, tangible proof of breath, life, bonding and devotion.

"How?" Remus finally murmured, nuzzling into the tear-salted, strong, hot neck of his mate. "How did you bring me back, Sirius?"

"Give me just another minute," Sirius choked. "I need.. I just need a moment to ... Oh Moony...I thought I had lost you. I thought you were gone... that you had left me..."

Remus pulled back and he reached for Sirius' chin, holding it gently as he peered into the tear-tracked, handsome face, into the liquid silver-storm eyes with his own unearthly, burning golden/silver-flamed eyes. "Know this, Padfoot, even if I had left this earthly plane of existence, I would never, **never** leave you. I could never do that. You may not have seen my physical form or heard my voice but I would have been there. Always."

"It wouldn't have been the same," Sirius whispered, reaching up a long, shaking finger to trace a soft, so soft... golden-brown eyebrow.

Remus closed his eyes, lips curving in a gentle, small smile as he swallowed and nodded. "I know, love, I know," he whispered, rich voice pouring from pale pink lips soft as baby's breath against Sirius' flushed cheeks. Remus then opened his vibrant new eyes, his heart full to bursting with love and affection for Sirius and for the trio he now noted that was gathered quiet and respectful about the bed.

What an odd little group of companions they all were: the resurrected gentle scholar werewolf, the passionate loyal beautiful rebel, the brave tousle-headed bespectacled boy, the kindly old twinkle-eyed gent and the sallow ebony-bedecked regal potions master.

Harry smiled shyly, tears streaking in silver rivulets down his smooth, unlined face, very like the tears that also glittered in forget-me-not blue eyes and gathered in lined grooves in the face of his elderly companion.

Remus returned Harry's gentle smile, not letting go of Sirius as he murmured, his voice thick with emotion, "Harry, James and Lily watch over you. They do. They love you so much. And, just as Sirius and I have always told you, you make them **very** proud. Your dad, ohhh, Harry, you are so much like James. He seems especially impressed by your courage, your loyalty and... well, he quite loves your mastery of the Wronsky Feint on the Quidditch pitch but... that particular skill rather worries your mum. I don't think she likes to see you do it," Remus chuckled. "I think Lily is most proud that the **tiny** boy she cradled has grown into a fine young man with such a **big** heart."

Harry's face tightened and he blinked rapidly, eyes pooling behind rounded spectacles. He swallowed heavily and knelt down once more beside the bed, looking up into Remus' face. "You saw them, truly...Remus?"

Remus smiled and nodded. "Yes, James came for me. I have always suspected he would." Sirius made a muffled sound against Remus' robes and pulled him tighter to him, not willing to let go of the man he so nearly lost to eternity.

Harry nodded, questions whirling through his mind. He bit his lip, glancing down at his twisting pale hands. "They're proud of me?" he whispered as if to himself.

"Yes, Harry," Remus answered softly. " **Very** much so."

Dumbledore reached out then and stroked his weathered hand over Harry's dark bent head. "Harry, haven't you felt their presence all around you, their love sustaining you all of these years?" he asked. "They have always been with you. Prongs has always run beside his son."

Remus peered up into Dumbledore's eyes, meeting the blue gaze that steadily met his own. "How was this done? How am I alive again? How could I have been conversing with my old departed friends in the brightest light I've ever seen one moment... and then, I'm back again, looking into Sirius' eyes. I'm ecstatic, but I don't understand how it can be. I died."

"Yes, son, you did. But, you returned to us. It was a joint, concerted effort," the elderly wizard smiled.

Pulling back slightly, Sirius sighed and blinked his star-bright eyes, still wet with tears. "Yes, everyone helped..." he murmured.

"But how? By what means or magic?" Remus asked, curiosity burning in his vivid eyes.

Sirius swallowed and inclined his head toward his fellow ebony-haired wizard. "Severus. He prepared a potion to bring you back and we all contributed to the potion."

Severus' jaw tightened and he glanced quickly down at his rival and for one moment he did not see the cock-sure, arrogant, laughing boy that he so despised -- no, this time, upon hearing the other wizard utter his name -- the first time Sirius had ever called him by his first name -- he glanced down and he saw a trembling, lanky, tear-streaked man. There was nothing of arrogance in that man now. His obsidian gaze then darted back to the fey-eyed man, that gleaming, golden supernal being cradled in Black's arms on the bed who gazed up with his unnaturally bright eyes and smiled warmly _warmly!_ at Severus.

"Thank you, Severus. You all helped?" Remus murmured, his gaze shifting to each one in turn.

"We all love you, Remus," Sirius answered thickly, swallowing past the hot lump in his throat.

"Don't presume to know what I feel or think, Black," Severus snapped as he turned his back, robes swishing, as he began gathering his potions implements. He refused to give in to maudlin sentimentality just because two Gryffindors showed sparks of humanity.

Sirius glanced up with a slight hint of irritation at the comment but Remus reached out, turning the chiseled face back to his own as he shook his head and winked, smiling.

As the diamond eyes turned to him again, Remus felt love and joy suffuse his being. He felt Sirius' warm breath washing over his face, he saw the bright eyes peering back at him with such devotion, and he knew ... he knew in his heart that this experience had bonded him so closely to his mate that their very souls were entwined - one breath, one heart, one deep abiding love-- one glittering entwined soul between them.

Dumbledore, as if sensing Remus' thoughts, cleared his throat and voiced the answers that he knew the pensive young scholar sought. "Severus used the Waking Drought to bring you back, Remus, but to do that, he had to have very special and dearly-acquired ingredients."

Remus turned his gaze to his former headmaster as the snowy-bearded wizard continued, "It called for lifeblood and tears of those that grieved for you and... the soul of your mate."

"What?" Remus gasped, pulling back to look at Sirius. "What does he ean, Sirius? Your soul?!"

Sirius smiled. "No, not all of it, love. I'm still me, but... well, now you have a bit of **me** inside you as well. I suppose you could say we're soulmates now in the truest sense."

"But how?" Remus whispered.

"Dementors," Harry muttered, eyes darkening at the thought of the dreadful hooded ghouls.

Remus' mouth fell open in surprise and for a long moment he simply stared into his mate's face, before finally breaking the heavy silence with soft, muttered words. "You... you faced dementors to save me, Sirius?"

"I would have died to save you, Remus."

"Oh, but... love, had it gone wrong... oh it would have been much worse than death. You would have been an empty beautiful vessel with no sense of self anymore, no memory, no ... anything. And there would not have been a chance at all of recovery. You could have been so lost, love," Remus whispered, reaching up to trace the jaw of the man who had faced hell and eternal loss to bring him back.

Sirius nodded. "I know, but... I had to do it, Remus. And Harry, he drove the Dementors back with his Patronus Charm...."

Harry chuckled. "Bet you didn't know when you were teaching me that in third year that it would one day save your life!"

Remus smiled and shook his head. "Thank you, Harry."

Harry flushed and nodded, smiling a bit, before saying, "Dumbledore reached into the Dementor's mouth and pulled out the bit of soul the thing had sucked -- still don't know how he did it," Harry smiled, darting a quick, shy smile up at Dumbledore.

Remus blinked. "I don't either, Harry, but I do so appreciate it, Headmaster."

Albus grinned, chuckling a bit. "My part was inconsequential compared to the sacrifices made by your friends and by Sirius. A soul gifting is a rare and beautiful present indeed."

Remus nodded, throat tight and turned once more to smile into Sirius' eyes. A part of his beloved's soul resided in him now. He blinked. Of course. This was the burning filament that gleamed between them, twining them closer than ever. This was why he seemed to sense every heartfelt thought that spun inside that beautiful dark head. Sirius' soul... an essential-- the most precious essential part of the man he loved was now also a part of him. Sirius' soul had restored his life.

Remus felt hot tears gather again in his eyes, and his throat worked, swallowing convulsively, as he tried in vain to regain his composure.

"Remus?" Sirius questioned, cupping the ivory perfection of Remus' face, as hot tears spilled onto the thumbs that he carefully stroked against the soft, warm skin.

Remus smiled, and blinked, eyelashes wet, golden eyes spilling fresh tears anew unto his cheeks, as he opened his mouth to thank Sirius for this overwhelming gift -- but how could he begin to phrase what his heart felt, what his new enriched soul felt? How could he express his utter gratitude and depth of emotion? He only knew one way. "Padfoot, your eyes were my last vision of this world and they are more beautiful than that shining otherworld I visited briefly, and even in that paradise, I could see nothing, nothing as glorious as you. I love you."

Sirius' face trembled and he bent and pressed his wet face into Remus' neck, kissing it reverently, not caring that Harry and Albus and Severus were all privy to his affection. "Oh Moony, I love you, more than even imaginable, but... I'm telling you, don't you ever fucking leave me again, you hear me?! Never! If you go, you are to take me with you, no matter what. Your last breath had better be used to Avada Kadavra me, for I'll **not** let you leave this world without me again! Promise me this now, Moony, promise me!"

Remus was not taken aback by the sharp passion in his mate's heated urging for he knew what burned in that vibrant, loyal, brave soul. His linked soul recognized the ringing truth and plea in Sirius' heartfelt, strong words. He lifted Sirius' gaze to his own and stared unblinking into luminous star-shine eyes. "I promise, Sirius, I'll never leave you again."

Sirius nodded once, mouth trembling. "I'll hold you to it, Moony," he whispered.

Remus smiled. "I would expect nothing less of stubborn Sirius Black."

Sirius smiled and pulled his mate into another tight embrace. ~~

Sirius bounded out of the castle, the morning sun gleaming off of black silken hair as he dashed across the grassy hillside, lungs close to bursting as he called for Remus.

Somehow, inside, he knew all was okay. It had to be. Remus had promised never to leave him again. Still, he couldn't shake the discomfort of separation, not now after nearly having lost his lover forever. Panting, Sirius stopped beside the lake, resting for a moment against the tree -- Remus' tree, he now noted idly. Ahh yes, of course he would run to rest here.

Soft, rich laughter met his ears and then a caramel smooth voice, "It's remarkable. As I recall this tree seemed much larger in my youth but it seemed much easier to climb then as well. I think I presented a quite comical vision to our furry squirrel friend here as I clamored my no-longer-adolescent body up here."

Sirius gazed up to see the impishly smiling, beatific face of his lover peering back at him from the branches of the huge old tree, as he was wont to do all those many years ago. Remus extended one long, pale hand and Sirius instantly reached for it, and he was hauled into the tree beside his mate.

He smiled, heart thumping in exertion and happiness and settled in gingerly, close to Remus. "This is familiar," he murmured, eyes closing for a moment as he leaned forward to nuzzle into the butterscotch hair, breathing in the comforting scent of his sylvan spirited mate.

Remus nodded and nestled closer to Sirius. "Yes," he breathed, his bright gaze lingering over the sparkling waters of the lake.

"I'm sorry you're still cursed, Moony," Sirius whispered, "I'm sorry **that** returned with your life."

Remus sighed and finally murmured, "Yes, Siri, but... I've made peace with that. The wolf is a part of me -- he lives in me, just as you also live in me -- intrinsically bound. Eternal. And, I don't mind so much now that I know that my soul is free and that we will truly always be together."

Sirius smiled and slid his arms around his mate, pulling him closer as he rested his back against the sturdy ancient trunk. "Eternal. I like the sound of that."

They sat in the tree softly talking and laughing just as they used to in boyhood. They stayed until the sun reached the noonday peak and both men became uncomfortably hot in their robes. Remus jumped down nimbly, his lycanthropic nature lending a grace to his movement. Sirius climbed down behind him.

"Ahh! Our engraved memorial that is no longer in memory," Remus smiled, reaching out to trace the carved letters that he and Sirius had put there only a few days before but which seemed a lifetime ago.

Sirius shrugged and winked. "Well... perhaps not a memorial, per se, unless we can think of it as being in memory of the boys we once were."

Remus laughed softly before reaching up and stroking his thumb across Sirius' cheekbone, "No, those boys still live on too."

Sirius smiled and bent to kiss the long, beautiful hand that caressed him. "You're right, love."

Remus nodded. He reached up, threading long pale fingers through warm smooth midnight strands and pulled the smiling face close to his and he caught the sweet, full lips, his tongue sliding out to smooth possessively over the ripe mouth, tasting the heady spicy sweetness of his mate. They kissed for long moments.

Sirius gently pushed Remus back against the tree, his mouth plundering and slicking the honeyed sweetness of Remus' mouth, lapping over the curling, teasing ribbon of moist hot tongue, delving deep into that warm sweet cavern.

Remus moaned against his mouth, pulling away to whisper hot and fierce against Sirius' lips, "Love you, Sirius."

And Sirius kissed him harder, pressing close and hot to him, bracing the werewolf's slender bewitching form against the tree as his hands traveled rampantly over the sun-warmed robe, pulling and bunching the material up so that Remus could lift slim, trouser-clad legs and wrap them tight around Sirius' waist. Sirius cupped the firm, lush backside of his lover and pulled from the kiss, tongue sliding once over the hot, succulent, swollen lips below his and breathed, "Love you, Remus, so much... so much," before crushing the soft mouth under his as he grinded his hips decadently against his arching mate, savoring every strained whimper and soft moan that escaped past their clasping mouths.

"Siri," Remus finally panted, pulling free, his head leaned back against the rough bark, hair spreading in a tawny halo against the tree, vibrant eyes half-closed and burning with desire, "let's go home."

"We are home," Sirius growled softly, pressing heated lips to Remus' sweat-salted neck, suckling the pale flesh greedily.

Remus smiled, twining arms and legs closer. "Our home, Padfoot,...the cottage. I want to be in **our** bed. I want to go home now."

Sirius pulled his mouth from the delectable flesh and smiled down at his lover, leaning close to press his head to Remus' as he whispered, "Wherever you are is home to me, Remus, whether it be in the cottage or the Shrieking Shack, huddled in the woods or here at Hogwarts. You're my life, my love, my home, my soul, Moony."

His fervent words were interrupted by the chittering of the squirrel above who seemed less than pleased to have the relative peace of his tree disturbed by the amorous wizards below.

Remus gazed up into the branches and then turned his eyes back to Sirius, smiling gently, "I feel the same, Sirius, but nevertheless, our furry companion is rather disgruntled it appears at our invasion of his home. Let's return to ours. I want to try out this renewed stamina I seem to have gained," he winked lasciviously.

Sirius laughed at that and nodded, stepping back slightly so that Remus could lower his legs. "We'll take the bike. Let's fly home," he murmured, smirking.

Remus chuckled. "Apparating is quicker."

"Flying is more fun," Sirius countered, arching an ebony eyebrow, stormy eyes dancing.

Remus rolled his eyes, a smile still wreathing his features, "Oh... alright, Padfoot, you win. We'll take the bike. **BUT** since I'm letting you have your way in this matter... ahhh... I think it's only fair that I have the **upper** hand, so to speak, when we get home."

Sirius grinned and laughed. "Oooh, such a **hard** bargain you drive, Moony," he breathed, pressing his groin to Remus', "but... okay, that sounds like a fair deal to me."

Remus grinned and nodded. "What are we waiting for?"

Sirius smiled and leaned in to brush a quick, fierce kiss to the swollen lips smiling archly back at him. "Come on," he whispered heatedly, after pulling from the kiss. "Let's fly!" 

**FIN**


	15. Epilogue

Laughing voices floating lightly on the breeze, and footsteps trampling hurriedly over grass and dirt and rocks, Remus gazed up at his lover, a joyous smile perched upon his lips. Sirius was gesticulating wildly, an amused gleam in his eye as he strode with purpose toward the cottage they called home. His black hair danced in the wind, wrapping thick tendrils around his chin and plastering itself to his soiled forehead while the rest flailed out wildly behind him. Remus resisted the urge to reach up and run his fingers through the tangles, opting instead to simply relish the familiar sight of it. The black locks had always been beautiful, and it hadn't taken long at all for the rich sheen to return once he'd escaped from Azkaban and found his way into Remus' care. That hair was a symbol of Sirius himself--wild, untamed, yet soft and supple and brilliant.

Sirius steered the bike to a shady spot beneath some trees, absentmindedly vowing to himself that he'd clean it and care for it later. It had been so incredible riding her again through the sunset with that familiar warm body pressed up against his back. The ride had been completely invigorating (even for Remus, who generally hated to fly), if not a bit dirty. But currently, Sirius didn't give a flying hoot about his physical state. He was too excited to worry about such trivialities.

"A--and then he said that he was **born** that way! Ha ha ha ha!" Sirius continued on with his joke, completely oblivious to Remus' silent reverence. It was so good to hear that voice happy again, to see those stormy eyes dance with mirth. Remus knew how very lucky he was--how very lucky they **both** were to be given this restitution. He felt as though he didn't quite deserve to be breathing this fresh, cool air into his lungs, or to be able to see with his own, human eyes the wonders of the surrounding forest, to hear the cadence of his lover's soothing voice. He had paid for a rather costly mistake with his life, and therefore, in all practical respects, should not have been standing there, enjoying all of the tactile experiences that designated one as a living, breathing being.

But Sirius had thought otherwise.

Sirius had always succeeded in proving Remus wrong when he believed the worst of himself. From the day they'd met at the tender age of eleven, the other boy had been his beacon of light to cast away the shadows of internal darkness. He'd never once allowed Remus to wallow in self-pity--he would have none of it. In his eyes, the golden haired boy deserved only the best in life. It was a cruel twist of fate that life had thrown his way, but he was worthy of so much better. It was because of Sirius that his existence had ever had real meaning. And now, it was clear that it was because of Sirius that he had life at **all**. For that, he was eternally grateful.

Sirius carried on with his enthusiastic jabbering, not pausing to notice how closely his companion was watching him. As he gazed into that animated, aging face, Remus could see the twinkle in the bright eyes and the crooked grin on the full lips that signified the boy from their youth. The revelation of it filled him with such joy, that he couldn't help but laugh. He laughed and he laughed, nearly doubled over from the strain, and Sirius swung out an arm to catch him.

"Hey, Moony...get a hold of yourself...I haven't even gotten to the good part yet!"

Remus wiped at his eyes, gasping a bit for breath while Sirius stared at him in curiosity, one ebony eyebrow peaked suspiciously.

"I think..." he chuckled, attempting to gain control over this joyous outburst, "I think we've already **discovered** the good part."

Sirius paused and stared into those glowing eyes--a remnant of his own sacrifice that Remus would keep with him for eternity. The soft lips quirked as Remus attempted to calm his giggles, but ultimately lost the battle as they were forced up into a big smile. Sirius smiled back, a feeling of absolute joy and elation gripping him to the very core. God, but Remus was beautiful-- **his** Remus--with eyes like golden jewels ringed with precious silver. They seemed to shine out from the depths of a pale face like twin lighthouses guiding him home. Oh, but how lost he could become in that gaze, drowning in the depths of knowledge and truth and love. He leaned in then, placing his lips gently over that smiling mouth, tasting the warm flesh of slowly parting lips.

Remus kissed him back fiercely, passion and love flaring deep within him, and he smiled again, into Sirius' mouth, amazed at the love he shared with this man, at the wonderful hand fate had finally decided to deal them both.

Without warning, he felt the world tilt a bit, as strong arms enfolded him. Sirius hoisted him up into his arms, one hand below the crook of his knees, the other supporting his back.

Remus laughed. "Padfoot...what are you...? Put me down!"

But Sirius shook his head. "It's muggle custom for the groom to carry the bride over the threshold on their wedding night. It's a sign of new beginnings and a new life together. This is **our** new beginning, and I want to start off right."

Remus grinned up at him and wrapped his arms around the sturdy neck. "So I'm your **bride** , am I?" He teased.

"You are my mate...my **soul** , and that is enough for now."

Remus was in a playful mood, and would have loved to tease him further, but the sincerity he found burning in those eyes silenced his jesting. "As you wish, my love," he smiled.

~~+~~

They didn't bother with a bath or even so much as a glance in the mirror as they made their way quickly to the bedroom, lips locked and tongues dueling. Remus pushed Sirius down against the mattress, fingers buried firmly within his hair as his tongue snaked out even further, thoroughly searching the warm depths of Sirius' mouth.

Sirius moaned at the contact, kissing back desperately. He could not get enough of that sweet, heavenly flavor that was Remus Lupin. He just wanted to lay there and taste him for eternity.

Ahh, but that was not meant to be. For Remus had other plans.

Guiding Sirius up the mattress a bit more, so only his feet were hanging off the edge, he climbed up atop him, straddling his thighs. Leaning over, he brought his face inches from his mate's and inhaled deeply, savoring the scent of motor oil and sweat and spicy shampoo. He loved this aroma that was so utterly Sirius.

As Remus smelled him, Sirius rose his head up off the mattress, burying his nose in the crook of his companion's neck in an attempt to do the same. He could detect the faint hint of soap and musk--a smell he was very familiar with--a fragrance solely Remus. Yet, he found he was disappointed. No longer could he perceive the emotions pouring off his mate. No longer could he detect by scent alone what the other man was thinking. It felt as though he had lost some vital part of himself, even though he'd only possessed the ability for a short time.

Remus, lycanthropic senses having returned to him upon his awakening, could sense the upset in his mate, and he paused, gazing down into the worried eyes.

"What is it love? What's wrong?"

Sirius forced a smile. "It's nothing...nothing's wrong, I just-- well...it's not the same."

Remus seemed to understand. He sat up a bit, divesting himself of his shirt, and then leaned over, laying his hands on either side of Sirius' head, bringing his bare chest closer to that searching face. Sirius closed his eyes and breathed in, comforted by the faint scents he could detect upon the newly bared flesh--a mixture of forest pine and soap, cool afternoon air, leather, and sweat from the exertion of the ride home. The combination was indisputably Remus, and he smiled, rubbing his forehead against the heated flesh.

Remus moaned contentedly as soft lips replaced the comfort of silken hair and skin, kissing a trail over a toned abdomen and up toward the soft, pliable flesh of his neck. A velvety, moist tongue glided out, assailing that sensitive area, and Remus tilted his head back, lost in the whirling sensations that simple act could bring. Sirius bit down gently, capturing smooth skin between his teeth over and over again as he planted love bites from the juncture of neck and shoulder up to the sensitive spot behind his right ear. Remus sucked in a breath, body shuddering as waves of pleasure tingled down his spine.

Sirius smiled, nipping at an earlobe, skilled teeth nibbling a trail over the outer shell. Remus was panting with delight, lips wet and flushed and slightly parted, eyes squeezed shut, emphasizing the long, golden lashes. **God** but Remus was beautiful, and Sirius was hard pressed not to jump him right then and there.

Finally, Sirius pulled away, and Remus opened his eyes, revealing that otherworldly beauty that signified the joining of both his burning soul and Sirius'. The breath caught in Sirius' chest, and for a moment, all he could do was stare--to allow himself to be lost in those captivating metallic pools.

Remus smiled at him softly, pulling him up so that he might strip him of the worn leather jacket. As he did so, the scent of animal hide filled his nostrils, and he breathed it in, the wolf within threatening to pounce at the combined scent of beast and mate. Remus wasted no time in removing the muggle t-shirt he wore beneath, and throwing it in a heap on the floor.

Sirius growled low in his throat, savoring the sadistic gleam in his lover's eyes. He **adored** when Remus took charge this way--the way the passion and need flared up in those breathtaking eyes. And **oh** , how Moony wanted him now.

Eager hands fumbled with his belt buckle, and he lifted his hips, allowing his impatient mate to pull the jeans down his long, lean legs. Remus licked his lips, taking in the sight of bare flesh. Sirius almost never bothered with underwear--it was too confining. Besides, he loved the way Remus' face would light up with desire whenever he undressed him to find there were no undergarments to delay their sexual liaison.

Moony wanted to jump him immediately, to devour that flesh and make it his own, but Remus managed to muster up enough restraint to hold him back for the time being. Just barely. Instead, he took his time, concentrating on the sensitive flesh around Sirius' navel, dipping his tongue into the shallow indentation and laving it slowly, seductively.

Sirius arched his back against the mattress, eyes squeezed shut tight as he gasped his enjoyment at the intimate touch. Encouraged, Remus continued his exploration of Sirius' navel as he ran his fingertips gently, and agonizingly slowly up the planes of the lightly muscled abdomen.

"Oh god...Remus..." He panted, unable to combat the groan of need that rose up into his throat.

Remus' hands continued their trail upward until they came to rest at the base of his throat, running gently over the patch of marred flesh. With a jolt, he rose his head, eyes locking on that tender scar--the one he'd created with his own teeth on a night that had changed everything. He took in a shuddered breath as he allowed his fingers to play over the strangely smooth puckers of skin, memories of all that travesty had caused them both playing unmercifully through his head.

Sirius grabbed his hand suddenly, rising up on an elbow to look him in the eyes. "Remus...don't," he whispered firmly.

The other man swallowed heavily. "I...I've marked you forever..."

Sirius squeezed the pale hand he held in his own. "And I have marked you as well," he laid his free hand against Remus' temple, indicating his eyes. "It is an experience I never wish to forget, for it has taught me much."

"But Padfoot, I--"

The hand trailed quickly from temple to lips, silencing him. "Shh...I will hear none of it," and Sirius smiled, genuine happiness and contentment lighting up in silvery eyes. "What's passed has passed, and we're beginning anew, remember?"

Remus forced a smile, swallowing down the guilt and regret. He nodded. "You're right, Sirius. It doesn't do to dwell in the past. We have one another and we're whole again, and that is what's important."

Sirius drew Remus to him so that the werewolf was laying on top of him, and wrapped his arms tightly around his back. "I love you, Remus Lupin," he said softly, and delivered a fierce, soul-searing kiss upon his lips.

Remus responded in kind, tangling his fingers in the messy crop of black hair. He pressed his chest against the other man's, seeking the comforting warmth, the strong beat of his heart against his own ribcage. He wanted to push into that flesh, to meld their bodies into one, to lose himself completely within his lover.

Sirius' hands were caressing his back, massaging, as they made their way lower, finally meeting the supple curves of his still-clothed ass. He kneaded the rounded mounds of flesh greedily, moaning his need into his lover's mouth.

"No fair," he panted when they finally pulled away. "I'm lying here naked, and you're still half clothed."

"A predicament that can shortly be remedied," Remus breathed. He sat up abruptly, moving his fingers to the waist of his pants, but Sirius stopped him by laying an insistent hand over his.

"No...let me do it..."

Remus obliged, heart thumping madly in his chest as Sirius took his time, first carefully undoing the button, and then pulling down the zipper torturously slowly. He looped his fingers into the waistband of Remus' boxers, pulling all remaining clothing away with one tug. Remus wriggled out of the garments and tossed them aside, the usually tidy werewolf caring nothing for where they landed.

Sirius took a moment to admire his lover's smooth, pale flesh, complete with a map of tiny scars that criss-crossed deliciously over the expanse of abdomen and chest and legs. He knew now the pain of those scars, for he had obtained a few of his own during his short experience as a lycanthrope.

With care, he ran his hands over the wounded flesh, fingernails scratching lightly over the sensitive blemishes, causing Remus' head to fall back in pleasure. He remembered a time when his lover had been very self-conscious of those scars, but he'd assured him they were beautiful. For **anything** that embodied Remus Lupin was breathtaking.

The mattress creaked and dipped as Sirius repositioned himself on the bed. He rolled over onto his stomach, head first, propping himself up on his elbows between Remus' legs. Before Remus could open his eyes to see what his lover was up to, Sirius mouth was assaulting the head of his cock, tongue lapping teasingly at the tiny drop of precum that glistened there.

Remus gasped at the contact, head falling further back as long fingers dug themselves into the sheets.

"Oh **god** , Padfoot..." he groaned, and Sirius opened his mouth wide, taking in all of him.

Remus' chest heaved as Sirius began moving his head, tongue and lips trailing up and down over the sensitive flesh. A hand caressed his balls tenderly as the other moved in time with his mouth, sending spasms of pleasure through Remus' lower regions.

The arousal was so intense that it overtook him almost instantly, and he found himself fretfully grabbing onto Sirius hands, stopping him in mid-motion. Sirius slid that warm mouth up the length of him, releasing his cock as he rose his head to stare at him with questioning eyes.

"Is something wrong, Remus?"

Unable to find his voice for a moment, Remus simply shook his head. Sirius sat up a bit, concern lining his features as he crawled forward, laying a hand gently on the side of his neck, massaging him there. "Remus...?"

Remus swallowed and forced a shy smile. "Nothing's the matter Sirius...only...didn't I make it clear that **I** was to have the upper hand in this situation?"

Sirius recognized the teasing tone in Remus' soft voice, and his mouth slowly turned up into an appreciative, carnal grin. "Ohhhh, yes..." he murmured. "You made it perfectly clear, and I think it only fair that I oblige."

With that, Remus kissed him slowly, seductively, running his hands lovingly over the razor stubbled jaw. When he pulled away, he planted his hands on Sirius' shoulders and shoved him firmly down on his back against the mattress. Sirius stared up at him in shock for a moment, but his surprise quickly passed, transforming into excited anticipation.

Remus crawled over him gracefully, predatorily, a yellow gleam of want and possession burning in those glowing eyes. Muscles tensed, Sirius stared into that heated gaze, conveying his own desperate need as his mate positioned himself above him, legs straddling his thighs.

The werewolf grinded his hips against him, erections brushing deliciously, and Sirius cried out. He shut his eyes, biting his lower lip as Remus began to rock his pelvis, causing delectable warm friction between them.

Finally, when he thought he would explode from the pleasure, Remus pulled away. A whine of disappointment escaped Sirius' throat, but his mate smiled down at him, pressing a finger to those wanting lips. He rose from the bed, searching his discarded garments until he found his wand. Sirius watched as he pointed it at his erection, muttering a quick lubrication charm. Instantly, Sirius felt warm wetness engulf his cock, and he sighed happily, able to predict Remus' plans.

Straddling him once more, Remus positioned himself above the other man, and grasped the lubricated cock, drawing forth a strangled gasp from Sirius' lips. His mate was laying sprawled out on the bed below him, head tilted back, eyes squeezed shut, beads of sweat decorating his flushed brow. **God** how he wanted this man. How he loved him. He kept his own eyes open as he lowered himself down gradually, impaling himself upon his lover's cock. Sirius filled him completely, and he breathed out slowly, savoring every glorious inch.

He began slowly, rising and lowering his hips, burying that hot, hard flesh within him again and again, binding himself to his mate physically, as they were also bound in spirit. Soon, he began to quicken the pace, unable to hold back his desperate desire any longer.

"Open your eyes," he whispered huskily. "I want to see you."

Sirius did as he was asked, staring heatedly into that burning gaze. Remus' eyes were dilated with lust and need, pupils widening until all he could see were the molten silver rings that signified the piece of his own soul that now resided within Remus. He watched it burning there, concentrating on the waves of ecstasy that were rippling through him at the intimate caress, and it was almost as if he could once again feel the emotions that were pouring so freely from his lover's heart. He knew that in some detached way, he was experiencing the pleasure that washed through his mate's body. That sensation blended perfectly with his own, driving him further toward the edge. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he could hear Remus-- nearly thinking the other man's thoughts.

_Oh god, I love you...you are so beautiful...I'll never leave you again...my Sirius..._ that inner voice seemed to say.

_I love you too, Remus. You are my everything. My **soul**..._ he answered back.

Remus smiled at him then, a surprised, captivated sort of smile, and Sirius understood as well. Although they'd lost that intimate connection from their shared lycanthropy, they had gained a very special bond from the joining of their souls. While connected in the most intimate of embraces, they possessed the ability to understand what one another was feeling and thinking. It was as if they just **knew**. They'd **always** possessed an uncanny understanding of one another, only now, that knowledge had risen to a level all its own.

Sirius smiled back, forbidding himself to close his eyes against the feelings that were building up within his straining cock as Remus continued to raise and lower himself over and over, taut ass pounding mercilessly against his upper thighs. Their gazes remained locked until at last, the sensation became too much, and Sirius lost himself to the power of their bond--their joined emotions and the ripples of pleasure he felt flowing through them both. Remus cried out mere moments later, lost in the intense sensation of love and devotion and pure bliss that mingled between them until he couldn't tell where his own emotions and feelings ended and Sirius' began.

He collapsed against his mate, chest heaving, savoring the strong beat of their hearts as they held onto one another tightly, joy gripping them at this newfound connection.

~~+~~

Warmth--the warmth of strong arms enclosing him, the heat of a sweat slicked body below, muscles gliding languidly, the soft whisper of heated breath against his damp cheek, all of this Remus relished in this perfect sublime moment of ecstasy. This sweet moment of utter peace. This was peace to soothe the soul, not the peace of death that he had thought was the only solution to the nightmare he had plunged he and Sirius so recklessly into in the days before, days that seemed now a gauzy memory.

Remus lay against Sirius, feeling the other man's heart pounding strong and steady beneath his ear and Remus closed his eyes, his arms sliding smooth around his mate, consciousness drifting for a moment, thoughts falling soft as leaves through his sated, peaceful mind.

He saw images--fresh images of youth that he had forgotten but had somehow been reawakened in this new resurrection, this new life. He saw the beautiful youthful visage of a 16-year old smooth-faced Sirius with his head pillowed against Remus' own skinny adolescent lap as they studied in the dormroom, the ebony-haired youth's silver eyes flashing fey lightning in the soft golden light as he mischievously thumped Bertie Bott's beans against the side of Peter's yellow head, causing Peter to scowl lightly. Then Sirius, seemingly bored with the blonde's reaction, had leveled his candy missiles at James' mussed head as James sat, tongue peeking out of the corner of his mouth as he laboriously sketched Quidditch strategies. And James looked up, taking hold of the bean that had lodged in his hair and tossed it back at his laughing, reclining friend, aiming his wand at the bean and lazily muttering an enlarging incantation as he did, so that a bean the size of a grapefruit landed with a dull thump against Sirius' surprised head before he could move away.

Remus chuckled softly at the memory and he felt the arms around him tighten.

"What is it?" Sirius asked, his voice slow and syrupy, as he stretched under Remus, yawning and content.

Remus chuckled again and raised his head, hair falling about his alabaster cheeks in messy tawny tangles. He smiled at Sirius, unearthly eyes gleaming, as he stroked his mate's arm gently. "I was remembering the time James hit you in the head with the giant caramel Botts bean."

Sirius snorted, his own thoughts casting back over the years. It worried him how many memories he had lost. This one he could no longer recall, but looking into those soft, luminous eyes above him, eyes ringed with the remnant of his own silver soul, he did not say such. Feigning the memory, yes, that was best perhaps. Sirius smiled widely and nodded, hoping Remus would be satisfied with that, but something...some quirk of his mouth, the set of his jaw, something gave him away, for he knew that knowing look that crossed the perceptive werewolf's face.

"Oh, Sirius, I'm sorry," Remus whispered then, as he reached up with long, pale fingers to trace the pulse trembling in Sirius' temple.

Sirius smiled, shaking his head. "No, Remus, I like to hear your memories. The way you talk of the past. That misty look that comes over your face. It's beautiful. I remember much of the past. Not all of it, but most. It seems like the memories I lost were mostly the ones about Ja..." his voice trailed off and he held Remus tighter, closing his eyes at the welling of emotion that heaved in his chest suddenly at the memory of laughing blue eyes framed by black spectacles, of a hoarse laugh that Sirius had always teased sounded rather like a seal, of big feet constantly in motion, constantly stepping on someone else's feet it seemed--James Potter, graceful as an eagle astride a broom but clumsy as a puppy on the ground. James... his first friend, the brother of his heart.

Remus gazed at that silent face and he leaned forward brushing silken lips against the heated cheeks, kissing the closed eyes, lips lingering over the feather soft sable lashes. He didn't pressure Sirius to speak his mind but Sirius did anyway.

"I do miss him so much, Remus. I just..."

Remus nodded and lay his head down on the pillow beside Sirius', twining his fingers through the black silken strands that spread there. "Sirius, I... I saw James and Lily. They're happy, Sirius. They're okay. "

Sirius swallowed past the tight lump in his throat. "I know, Moony. And I'm really thrilled to hear that... but... I just wish I had the opportunity to talk to James like you did. I just want to tell him... I want to apologize for everything. I want the same chance to talk to him that you had so..."

"No," Remus said, sitting up interrupting, his eyes flashing feral in the light. "You must never say that, Siri! I almost paid too dear a price to see our old friend."

Sirius nodded and closed his eyes, pulling Remus down to him once more. "I'm so happy now, Remus, to have you back. It's like Merlin's own miracle...I just wish this pain wouldn't flare up every time I think of James and.."

"Oh no...oh I had forgotten...wait..." Remus said suddenly, his own thoughts spinning. His memory of that time in that perfect otherworld was hazy, filtered as through a foggy glass. It had been so clear when he had given Harry his parents' message, but in the heat of that moment, that reunion with Sirius, that thrilling, perfect rebirth, he had forgotten, like a bloody fool, to pass on the other crucial message that was entrusted to him, the message intended for Sirius. Remus sat up, eyes wide in his face, face suddenly lit with the smile of one who knows he holds in his hand a great gift. The best gift--the gift to soothe the troubled soul that his love had so generously shared with him.

Sirius blinked up at the beaming face above him and he smiled, wondering at the cause of that joy but delighting in its glory. He slid his hands up the warm, strong arms, caressing the pale, heated flesh, but his caresses were stilled as Remus spoke.

"I can't believe I have forgotten to tell you this until now... I'm sorry for waiting but it truly slipped my mind until now. I've just been so preoccupied with..."

"Remus," Sirius laughed, stopping his lover before Remus got carried away on one of his rambles that he sometimes did, especially when nervous or excited. "Just tell me."

Remus nodded. "Yes, of course." He grew sober then and looked down into Sirius' eyes as he spoke. "James does not blame you, Sirius. He never has.."

Sirius' hands stilled on Remus' arms and tightened reflexively. "What?" he muttered, voice a harsh whisper. The pain of guilt driving fresh into his very heart at the words.

A frown flitted over Remus' features for a second, a wrinkle puckering between his brows momentarily, before it smoothed again and Remus reached out, holding Sirius' head gently in his hands. "Look at me, Sirius. And listen. I was supposed to give you this message the other night when I gave Harry his, but like a right idiot I forgot, but...I'm telling you now. James knows. He **knows** , Sirius. He knows why you did what you did. Why you switched secret keepers at the end. He knows and he **understands**. He doesn't blame you Sirius. He knows you blame yourself though, that you always have blamed yourself for what happened to he and Lily, and...well, to be quite frank, it irritates him."

"What?" Sirius asked again and he frowned at his idiotic repeating of the same question that he kept uttering like a simpleton.

Remus shook his head impatiently. "I remember it vividly now. James told me to tell you, and I am quoting this directly, 'Mr Prongs begs Mr Padfoot to quit being such a bloody infernal guilt-plagued martyr! It is unbecoming of Mr Padfoot and martyrdom is overrated anyhow.'"

At that, Sirius' eyes widened and he felt a welling of shocked amusement in his chest, and he uttered a short bark of laughter. Yes! That was James through and through. He felt tears burning in his eyes, tears of...what? Relief? Joy? Forgiveness? Perhaps some mad combination of all...Yes, that odd combination of emotions that suddenly rushed through him, causing him to sit up and grasp unto Remus, as the other man smiled and held him back, murmuring softly.

"Yes, Padfoot, he does not blame you. He knows what happened with Peter. He loves you, Sirius. He's proud of you, of **us** , for helping Harry as we have. He said we had upheld the Marauders Code."

And then Sirius was truly crying, tears borne of utter absolution and perfect release. And Remus held him, embracing that strong body that trembled in his arms, kissing the dark silken midnight hair that flowed over his shoulder as Sirius bent his head, crying and now laughing a bit also, joking about what an emotional wreck these past few days had made of him. And Remus just held him.

For long moments they embraced until finally, Sirius pulled back with an embarrassed chuckle as he blinked his tear-reddened eyes and he exhaled loudly. "Wow," he murmured, settling back against the pillow propped to the headboard. "I'm telling you, these last few days have been bloody killer! I think I've cried more over these past days than I ever have in the rest of my life combined. Growing up, I always thought it was a sign of weakness to cry, but then I met you and I changed my perception."

Remus smiled. "Oh yes, for I am such a paragon of strength and stoicism," he chuckled sardonically.

"Yes, Moony, you are," Sirius answered, his eyes boring into Remus'. "Even as a boy, you were so strong, Remus. You tired so hard to internalize your pain to keep the rest of us from seeing it, to keep us from discovering your secret, so you would come back, bloodied and bandaged and bruised but dry-eyed and calm. And ... Merlin, I wanted to know! I wanted to know what happened and why you didn't cry. And especially after I found out about your lycanthropy, oh, Moony, that just annoyed me that I seemed a sodding wimp next to you moaning about some small Quidditch injury when you so bravely endured monthly transformations--your body ripping apart like that, and you didn't cry, hardly whimpered even when I put that bloody stinging salve on you. I thought you were amazing then, and I still do..."

Remus settled back against Sirius, smiling gratefully, his heart full of love as he reached for one of Sirius' hands. "So odd that you should say that, Sirius, because, growing up, I always admired **your** strength. I remember waking up in the infirmary all those times to find you sitting there, keeping watch, your gorgeous eyes shadowed from lack of sleep and worry, your voice hoarse, you were so tired, so tired you were trembling but still you stayed."

Sirius swallowed, smiled and laughed again, "Dammit, Moony, I'm tired of crying. I don't want to anymore. I feel like a heroine in one of Lily's silly Muggle romance novels!"

Remus laughed softly and nestled closer to Sirius, breathing in the comforting scent of him. "No one would fault you for your emotions, Sirius, especially during these past few trying days.

Sirius sighed and nodded as he threaded his fingers through Remus' warm tawny tangled hair and murmured, "Remus, I thought you were strong before...but...now, I **know** exactly how strong. Cor! What you endure every month! I have never felt such agony in my life! I don't see how you withstood it as a child and for all of these years... unbearable."

Remus shook his head. "No, Siri. It is bearable. I'm proof of that. Yes, I admit it's painful and, well, as I told you, you never truly get used to the pain, but you learn to deal with it. Look at you, Sirius. You endured it incredibly bravely."

"Ahhh, come off it, Moony!" Sirius laughed, "I did no such thing. I howled like a beast..."

"You were a beast."

"Yes, and I howled in pain like the beast I was. But you, you barely make a sound anymore, not agonized howls anyway."

"No, love, I'm afraid that has more to do with Snape's potion than it does with my fortitude," Remus smiled.

"And that's another thing! Snape is going to teach me how to brew that bloody potion! There has got to be some way to make it without it tasting like that nasty, disgusting, fowl shite it does now! Urgh! That right there shows how strong you are. Taking that bleedin' brew every month! I'm going to learn how to make it without it being so disgusting. There has got to be a way."

Remus smiled and yawned sleepily, draping his leg and arm over Sirius. "Well, if there is a way, Siri, I know you'll find it."

Sirius yawned in echo and nestled in closer to his lover. "Remus, I want to make things easier for you, love."

"Hmmm?" Remus asked sleepily, already drifting off, secure in his warm comforting haven.

Sirius smiled and kissed Remus' temple. "Nothing, love. Go to sleep and we'll talk more later."

He then yawned and closed his own eyes. He had endured the life of a werewolf for such a brief span, but now he knew firsthand of the pain- -both physical and emotional, society's stigma, the lure of the beast and the call of the blood, the carnal cravings, the smell of the rich earth beneath padded paws, the feel of night wind whistling through coarse hair--coarser, longer than Padfoot's. Yes, now he **truly** knew what it was like to be Remus Lupin, and now that he had this miraculous second chance with Remus, he just wanted to try to make it easier on Remus who did, he now fully realized, have it so hard.

Sighing deeply, Sirius, pulled the sleeping werewolf tighter into his arms, marveling at the warm weight, the steady, reassuring thump of that heartbeat, the soft, deep breaths, gentle and warm against his chest. This beautiful, strong, exquisite creature of flesh and moonlight that had won his heart years ago and now held also unto his soul, this gorgeous man that he, in turn held so tightly onto, gripping him with a tender tether of utter devotion.


End file.
